h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hide somewhere and start saying things in a creepy voice like; "a new friend has come to play with me" or "mmm fresh meat." or "You are not welcome here insect, remove yourself or be cut down."

or just i'll just set the rats on them, Lilly and Flash will stick their noses in the the burglars ears and nostrils until the burglars beg for mercy

I have a special sharp instrument I would use if an intruder came into my house

If they came into my house without my persmission I should be very angry. In some cases it has been known to cause severe disruption to all relationships in the household.

If the intruder doesn't actually steal anything, but only moves things around one has to ask one's self, now WHY did they do that?

walks past....

>>I have a special sharp instrument I would use if an intruder came into my house<<

Is it a trumpet tuned to E-sharp?

No it isn't a trumpet and it isn't my house either

Bernard is the one who is in charge of CRB checks

Take a tip from the police: punch them as hard as you can in the face...
'It is a taught technique.'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6376819.stm

Article hyperbolically reports the procedings of the trials of the '21/7' bombers. The BBC reporting is sounding more like the Sun everyday.

I am not making light of what the police did...going into a house where they believed a bomber was. I just love the last line of the following statement.

Pc 5566 said: "Due to my inability to deploy my Taser, I had to resort to punching him as hard as I could in the face. It is a taught technique."

Punching someone in the face is something they teach the police. I would have thought it was part of the entrance exam.

Do you think this suspect had put on the rucksack in order to try to bluff his way out of the house?

"Let me go or I will blow us all up?"

It doesn't mention if there were actually explosives in the rucksack.

Wow, impressive rationale on self-defense! it stinks that in some situations the occupant of the house ends up the guilty party.

Personally if in the situation outlined I would put the intruder down as quickly as possible (chair,poker,childrens ceramic project, whatever) I would limit myself to blunt objects however as I feel using a knife will only lead to trouble. I would probably have to wait in line though, I have a VERY large, aggressive ginger tom (Famed for stalking the unwary,inebriated or overly fluffy) I'd like to see them prosecute a cat, hehe.

< I have a VERY large, aggressive ginger tom (Famed for stalking the unwary,inebriated or overly fluffy) I'd like to see them prosecute a cat, hehe.>

Wow, you must have a big house; not only large enough to swing a cat in but also big enough to brain an intruder at the sometime.

It is a large house but the remarkable bit is that wherever you are you can only move on average 5 steps without tripping over the cat, ergo he must be a very large cat who covers more area than visual evidence would suggest,I feel this contributes to his bad attitude and means that no intervention is required on my part for the attacking bit.
If cat swinging was required however I would most likely come off worse, a classic example of a dangerous weapon being used against the wielder.(and quite rightly so)

< ergo he must be a very large cat who covers more area than visual evidence would suggest>

Ah ha! Your name is John Arbuckle and your cat goes by the name of Garfield.

You don't own a weird looking dog called Odie do you?

Lol, how did you guess? his name is garfield as the resemblance is scary.. other than the talking..and the lasagne thing but I did have a kitten called nervill, who garfield tried to disembowel and eat.(its ok folks I rehomed nervill when I realized garfield was a PSYCHO)
Burglars and kittens beware!

Big Fat Cat Rubs Hands With Glee
He's Too Big For The Likes Of You And Me.

So are the police taught to break into people's houses, electrocute them and then, if this fails, punch them in the face? Are they not taught any more moderate techniques for restraining potential criminals, like just breaking their knees or something?

Well the last time I had a policeman in my home, he rang the doorbell and then came in and had a cuppa with me on the sofa..very nice it was too!

But he didn't make any attempts to restrain you?

...or leaving reels of cotton under the table to confuse you, or is it someone else?

I think we're confusing policemen with cats. Easily done, it's a mistake anyone could make.

I would use a hankercheif, a spatula, or a trumpet sock.

Of course I would go and tell the police if a previous tenant/builder had let themselves whilst I was out.