h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated.

I have always found it extremely difficult - if not impossible - to form close relationships with people. Just recently, having hit my late 20s, this has really got to me. I find myself now in the position of being not far off my 30th birthday, almost completely friendless, alone and extremely unhappy. I'm not the kind given to being melodramatic, but I really can't stand this any longer. Does anyone have any practical advice on how to remedy this? Thank you!

Further, more helpful advice will follow, but you've made a good start in rectifying the situation.
Recognising, and wanting to rectify the problem is a good thing, and i'm sure you'll make friends here . It's almost impossible not to.

I think the thing is to not try too hard to make friends with people and let it happen slowly and naturally.
Most people only have one or two close friends anyway. Clubs and maybe even pubs are not the best way to meet people, being a volunteer may be better, everyone has basic skills like shopping, cleaning that can help less able people. Take up evening classes to get to know people in a non pressured way. Chat to people on here to get into the habit of making friends in a way that takes pressure off.

Glad it's not just me who's like that. I can't start conversations to save my life
Me:Hey up, you allright?
Stranger:yeah, how are you
Me:fine
Stranger: errm
Me: aaaahrrrrrrm
Both exit

Yeah, I agree with you. I think it's true for everyone that *close* relationships are difficult to form and maintain. It takes interest and effort from both sides of that kind of relationship. So I think it's not entirely down to your personality. Also, I found that my own recent approach to the 30 year mark was marked by plenty of doubts and worrying about life. This isn't conducive to forming new friends, as being extremely unhappy can be a turn off. Do try to lighten up (I know it's not easy to do). There is life after 30. You said you were *almost* friendless. Don't discount those friends that you do have. In addition to being valuable for themselves, they can also be very good connections to find more friends.

Parathanatos, A couple of possibilities that may help a bit:

Years ago I met a young woman who was the life & soul of a party. In conversation it came out that she was in reality painfully shy, but needed not to be (training to be a barrister). She had been told to put on an act when it was appropriate - she modelled herself (loosely) on a comedy actress of the day...

For myself, (learning from the above), in one job I needed to show self confidence beyond my competence - I imagined going down the 'street of a thousand noses' in a market & selecting a brass one. Thereafter, I could put it on whenever...

- - - -
Incidentally:
Since the first incident, I've lost the ability to start a conversation (post #4 above rings bells).
The brass nose worked so well that I was later accused of being arrogant - maybe that's what silenced me!.

Not helpful advice - I am far to vacuous and shallow in that regard but my 'turning point' was the realisation that "unless you like yourself it is unreasonable to expect others to like you" - (about age 26) - so think of three things you'd really like to do this next year and do them.

I think the thing is to show an interest in the other person. There are many questions that could lead onto longer conversations like what team/TV programmes, music, make up, countries, etc do you like....the answers often lead onto other subjects, I am into photography which often leads onto people saying they can't take a photo to save their life so I can sometimes be helpful there or show them my photos.
...and remember the other person maybe nervous too, but as I said doing something like a night class allows you to get to know someone without commitment.

You might find it helpful to talk this through with the Samaritans - www.samaritans.org assuming you are UK based.

I think as others have said, it is always helpful to have something in common when trying to make friends, so an evening class, taking up a new sport, martial art, joining a film society etc (depending on your interests) will help as you already have that connection with people. It would also give you something to look forward to as well as maybe some new skills.

Sorry, that's www.samaritans.org.uk for the UK!

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Reaching out is a good first step, and you've already done that, which seems quite brave all things considered. Well, from what you've said. There are no quick remedies, but talking and getting involved with things often helps.

Meanwhile, don't blame yourself totally for not being able to form close relationships - those don't usually happen very often or overnight. And they need another person equally involved to make them work.

I recall my mid-to-late twenties as being the lonliest period of my life. After I turned thirty things seemed to start coming together a bit more. Just to say that any time of life can feel like either the best or worst time - or anything in between.



az

I found that my relationships with people started to change when I started reading lots. If I had to offer advice in a nutshell I would say: dip into bits of psychology and concentrate on what takes your fancy. The books that made the biggest changes to my life were TA books - I can let you know about these if you're interested. There are some crappy 'pop' TA books about that are worth avoiding. There's also SST - social skills training, though I don't know very much about that but maybe there's bits 'out there' on the net about it.

Thinking about it logically:

There's three steps in making a friendship.

Meeting the person at a particular place, eg a person in a pub, a colleague or a night class.

Talking to said person at that place, eg coffee room at break time at work.

Spending time with person outside of the place you met.

Going from 'someone you enjoy spending time with' to 'someone who you'd help out in a crisis and they'd do likewise'.

Is there any particular step in the process that you find diffcult, do you meet new people and get on with them at work, but never see them out of work.

Hello Parathanatos

What have you been up to for the past couple of years ?

What's now changed in your life to leave you feeling so isolated

I'm thirty in a month and feeling similar "what's it all about?" pangs.

Close relationships aren't something you can seek-out. You tend to meet your "best" friends (or future partner) accidentally and it's rare to completely hit it off with someone on first meeting. They take time, as someone has said.

As for increasing your circle of friends, the best way to do that is by joining clubs and societies (or even going to website meets) and meeting like-minded people.

Hi. Thanks for replies. I started a new job in Feb, then soon found out the new people weren't that interested in getting to know me. Not their fault- it's the nature of the job that makes it difficult. Plus they're all much younger than me!

One thing I found did help was Paul Mckenna's book 'Instant Confidence'. I felt fantastic for a couple of weeks. wore off with the new job.

The problem now is not lack of confidence, so much as lack of opportunity. My life experience at the moment is very narrow, and I don't know how to correct this in a way that won't seem horribly artificial.

I decided I don't care about anything that happens after my 30th. Thus (if you can follow the logic!) until then I am invincible. As a result I have been making more of an effort to chat to strangers. This sometimes works. The other week I thought I'd speak to the girl at the bus stop at last, why not. I think I annoyed her, though, as I also happen to work in the same building as her and she seems to be avoiding me now. Fair enough. Perhaps she was worried I was trying to chat her up.

I've decided to fear nothing. All I need now is imagination.

I turned 30 on the 9th this month, and have a pretty good idea of 'what its all about' Sex and drugs and rock and roll.... and guinnesss... and JD and coke... But friends as well... so long as they're also up for the sex an d drugs and rock and roll... and guinness... and JD and coke... I'll get me coat

I've written all that down for future use.......thank you Legster.

Well it seems to work for me.... I dunno... maybe some people might describe me as shallow.... But at least I'm having a great time being shallow

Hi Parathanatos. How is the effort to meet people going? Have you met anyone interesting recently?