h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You get to know people, and make friends - or that's what you think they are. But contact only happens when it's you who get in touch with them, hardly ever do they get in touch with you. So at first, you think they're maybe shy, and you don't mind that much, but after a while, you can't help asking yourself if that really is the reason that they never 'make the first move', so to say. What, if they're not really interested, but are only too polite to say so ? How will you know that you're not just a nuisance when getting back to them time and time again ? What, if there hasn't been any contact for a while, and you get in touch once again, but have the impression that the tone in your conversation has changed ? Do you ask them about it ? Would they be offended, or think you are paranoid if they aren't aware of this ?

Me? I'd ask them. If they really are trying to avoid you, that gives them a big opening to say so, and vice versa.

I guess the question is, in this context? What would you lose by asking?

But without the first question mark, obviously.

But if they tried to avoid you, why wouldn't they say so in the first place ?

People don't like to be 'rude' by telling someone they don't particularly like them, I guess.

Of course, I'm probably over simplifying things...

Hmmm, but then you think that sahara's impression is correct, and that this behaviour clearly indicates that people are not really interested in a relation/friendship/conversation ?

Maybe they are not really sure you like them - so by waiting for you to make the first move, they now you must be wanting to talk to them.

Yes , maybe, but for how long do you think somebody should be the one to make the first move ? Two or three times, weeks, months, a year even ?

I'd really love to find out, but it looks as if I'm the only one having this problem

I can't quite believe that, there must be others who know this situation, what have you done ?
Oh, and Vip, you ask what I have to lose. Quite a lot, I'd say, somebody I like very much, who is important to me, the chance of making a friend for life - there's too much at stake to risk anything

You're not the only one. People have lives they're getting on with and it's easy to forget that their importance to us outweighs our importance to them.

Nothing wrong with it as we all do it, but it's a gutter when you're on the receiving end.

Well, that's exactly what I'm trying to find out: my importance to them. So you, too, think that the 'not making he first move' of the other is just a sign of me not being (that) important to the other person as (s)he is to me ?

One possibility not discounted by what you have said is that the person simply has a self-esteem low enough for the not push for contact for fear of imposing themselves.
Second is that as you have always done the work in the past things have settled into a cycle.
Third being that person is an adult human male and as such doesn't get in touch unless they have something specific in mind.
Fourth: two or more of the above.

"Yes , maybe, but for how long do you think somebody should be the one to make the first move ? Two or three times, weeks, months, a year even ?"

I went out with someone for a year, and never really made the first move to make contact.

I'd have thought that someone who really isn't keen would start making excuses not to meet, or would try to hasten the end of conversations.

Some people just aren't very proactive & will be quite content for someone else to do all the running. Just think, if both of you do nothing there's no chance of continuing any sort of relationship.

Yes, I think a combination of what Teasswill, Roymondo and Azazoth say is what is going on. You know, you could have it out with them. It'll clear the air...they may feel something completely different, or not be aware of it at all. Either way, surely it's better to find out rather than sit at home seething about it? If they're not that bothered...erm...find better friends! Easier said than done, I know. Sometimes you have to be harsh.

There's no real easy answer to this one, I know, and sometimes people prefer to have relationships where they make all the running rather than no relationship at all. Unfortunately, this is how abusive relationships often start.

RF

Thanks all for your replies, I didn't expect the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything here, but what you say is somehow reassuring, so I think I'll try to stay in touch until I'm told to bugger off

'I didn't expect the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything here,'

We'll find it eventually!

Remember that we're all only human, and at times we all treat people like poo without meaning to. It sucks but it happens.

True, although I don't actually feel like being treated badly, I only want to know what's behind all of it, so I can understand

From your first post it just sounds like they've moved on or are tied up with other things. Don't stress about it: they'll either come back or they won't and in the mean time you'll find other things and people to be getting on with. It's amazing how quickly the present becomes the past.

(that was meant to be optimistic - I'm not sure it came out that way!)

>>they'll either come back or they won't << spoken like a true philosopher

You're probably right, though, maybe I shouldn't cling to the past and rather look forward