h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ok, I haven´t been around for quite a while, but this account is from the prebbc-days... So greetings to all the new ones...

Also I had 6 Whiskey Sours and a couople of beers...

That said I reckon I can start:




My girlfriend and I have been together for two and half years now. Last thursday she ended the relationship. It wasn´t really an unexpected move, considering that I still love like on the very first day. I could never do it, so she had to.

It couldn´t be really called a relationship anyway, for about a year or so. There wasnßt much going on, sexually, and sometimes emotionally. So it didn´t really come as a surprise to me.

I still have hope for us, but considering her personality and attitude, I have to damit, looking at it from an emotionally detached way, that knowing her there is no chance at all.

What´s really been bugging me, apart from not being sure how I should feel, is what this excerpt from an icq-chat shows:

Chili (thats me): Oi!
Fenta (Thats the boyfriend of a colleague of my girlfriend): Oi, hows it hanging?
Chili: You wouldnm´t wanna know...
Chili: troubles with women....
Fenta: arrrrghh... got troubles with my ex-girlfriend....
Chili: Watcha mean "ex-girlfreind", which one?
Fenta: You don´t knwo that I am single again, do you?
Chili: What?
Chili: Since when?
Chili: Thursday?
Chili: Beer?
Fenta: Yepp and yepp... I´ll be over in 5 mins...

Sorrya, I couldn´t copy and paste the whole thing, buit it was in german. BTW, Fenta, if you read this: I do feel like talking to complete strangers about it now.

Those two ladies couldn´t bring up the guts to talk to us, so they had to push each other to do it on the same day? Fentas relationship hasn´t been exactly top of the notch, from what he told me now.... but there are other coincidences as well...

They both choose to meet us in a neutral place, so we could not get angry. I can´t speak for Fenta, but

1. What´s she expecting? I do still love her, she is the woman of my dreams, of course I will react in some way when she is gone...
2. I can´t even remeber the last time I raised my fist against anybody. Let alone hit them... Why a neutral spot?

I don´t know... Ahhhhhhh..... man, I still love her. Thats the bottom line.



You are welcome to comment this rather strange post. As I said in advance, I do have enough alcohol for a major league football team in my blodd-stream so please be forgiving....

Chili...

I reckon, I might go and have a decent spew now.....

just because you still love her doesn't mean she still loves you..I'm sorry ..I hope you do get back together but it sounds like you have been drifting apart for the last year. ?
I hope things work out for you.

Hey

It sounds like they both did it at the same time for mutual support is all.

As for the neutral place, I wouldn't take it personally at all. When I thought about breaking it up with my last partner, I was trying to think of the best neutral place, not because of any worries, but because if it was at my place, I might want to go to bed or have had enough talking, but I'd have to ask the guy to leave, which would be awkward at any time (how often do you actually tell people to leave your house?!). If it was at his place, I'd be worried that he's had enough talking and might want me to go, but I'm not getting the message and am just making this worse by hanging around.

A neutral space also offers the feeling of freedom, you can 'escape' if you need to. Not because of any fear, but just because nobody likes being confined in a difficult situation - that's just natural.

Hope this helps

Queegle

! they should make it work for 'hug' and 'hugs' dammit!

Women, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't chop 'em into little bits and bury 'em under the patio.

Precisely Dr.

As for the female wituation, I was in a similar one about 6 months ago now, but mine found a new bloke... Nothing you can really do except keep drinking. Thats what helped me...

Had almost the same thing happen to me. Highschool sweethearts, we were. I came home from college most weekends so we could be together. She left me the day after her senior prom after going together for about a year. Our relationship went much as yours sounds to have, with me loving her and she drifting away. I was gonna suggest getting pissed tonight, then realize that sometimes no matter how much we love them, we cannot make them love us back. Looks like you have started on the first bit already, though. Still, if the option was there (I did not pick up on it from your post)to remain friends, please do so. Maybe by taking it slowly she will begin to return your feelings. And if she doesnt, well there are other proverbial fish in the sea. Personally, it took me about 7 months to get over it, but when I did, I looked back and thanked her for being the first girl I loved and the first to drop me like a bad habbit. I still love her and probably always will, but I have accepted her feelings and have moved on and I hope you can find it within yourself to do the same. I know it hurts, and I am very sorry, but as the saying which has helped me through many tragedies goes, "Sh*t happens, deal with it."

Again, man, I feel for you,
TUUUYSCS,
Deuce

Here's some advice from a female "old Fart" who's been around the world in the Love department- Move On with your life! Take what you may have lean't' from the past 2 years and use the experience if and/or when you dive into the next relationship- K

i agree with kasese about learning from the experience (though it might be a bit soon to do that.)

its ok to feel sad, and its ok to let yourself grieve. drink when you want to by all means, but let yourself have some sober time too, to feel what is going on.

its ok to cry.

Alrighty...

It´s the day after....

But first things first:

Thanks for all the hugs and all the advice.

Special Thanks go to:

The Doc - for making me laugh

Kasese - for being the first one to tell me the truth while I am sober enough to understand it.

In fact, it is not that bad. The only thing that´s really bugging me is that I don´t really knwo how to feel. Well yes, I do feel sad, but only sometimes. Even yesterday when I was fully tanked I did not get into my melancholic phase (like listening to some really sad music, drinking like mad and feeling sorry for myself), just the opposite happened. I had a hell of a time...

Could be that coincidence with my friend Fenta, that triggered that reaction.

And the reall funny thing is:

I know that we are going to have a better relationship with out calling it a relationsship. I reckon, she feels like she´s been missing out on something. Because she spend most of her time with me.

Which is honestly not my fault. All I´ve been asking, when she is going out without me, is not to tell at 11 at night, when we were thinking about going out together before. Just a little warning in advance, so that I also had the chance to decide what to do on that night. But somehow she never said, that she wanted to go out without me.

It might be that she was afraid of me. As I said she chose a neutral spot, so I wouldn´t get so angry. She was beating around the bush for 45 mins before she could say what was on her mind.

I don´t know, but I don´t see myself as an aggressive person, quite the opposite. I am way to soft most of the times.... I wonder where I got this rampaging-maniac-reputation from....

Anyways... I got a terrible headache, so I am gonna take my dog for walk.

BTW, as stupid as this dog might be, when in need he always makes sure I meet a nice lady to have a coffee with.

I don´t know why he does that or how, but when it comes to building self-esteem there is nothing better than having a walk with my four-legged buddy Ouzo....

Thnaks again...

Chili

yep best to spend some time with an old friend who will listen to everything you say and just love you back without any reservations.Talking to a pet is a very good way to recover.

Incog.Missing her old cat.

Hmmm... Sorry, but I have to drag to stuff up again....

By now I do know how I feel:

Miserable, not say f*****...

Anyways, I already found that out a couple of days ago. Since then I have been thinking what I am supposed to do on friday. When we were going to meet again after a week of not talking and meeting.

I went to a club tonight, on my own, because I can´t stand being at home anymore.

It was quite OK, good music, just sitting there watching the other people enjoying thmeselvers... I even started thinking that I wasn´t such a miserable git after all...

And then:

She walks in. We start with a bit of small talk, like what we have been doing the last couple of days. Then we got on the subject of our relationship.

It wasn´t the best the last few months. I do know that. But she told me that she wasn´t quite happy with it since November 2001. Thats a hell of a lot of time, isn´t it?

And she goes on that we tried twice to change everything. I mean twice in two and half years? That isn´t much, I guess. And it was always me who brought up the subject. Who said what´s been bugging him. Not much talking on her side. Mind you, I am not the type to blame everything on her, I was just asking if she felt the same way or not. And if she could help me change, or change our relationship.

So her opinion at the moment is:

We tried twice to change something.
It did not work out enough.
There is no use in trying a third time.

I agree on the first two, but my opinion on the third one is just the other way around...

So, what am I supposed to do? Still fight for her? Let her go, be miserable and get my life back in gear?

I don´t know...

It wouldn´t be so bad, if I wouldn´t have the feeling that I still love her as much as on the very first day...

Chili

It's a crappy situation to be in, isn't it? Been there, I feel for you.

Now, the gritty part: you can't change her (and since you love her like you did in the beginning, would you really *want* to? She's her, bumps and all.)

Nice thing is, and what you *do* have control over, is how you react to this change in status, how you let it affect you. Easy for me to say (I know, and I really DO know) but you now have this oportunity in your life to have the changes in a relationship that you'd wanted to make the couple of times you've discussed it with her before. Maybe it won't be with her. Maybe it will, in the future. But it's difficult to make changes when patterns are already set between two people, so now you can focus on the stuff you want and need. If you can manage to kick your butt out of wallowing in feeling sorry for yourself and put the energy where it'll be productive you might be surprised at the results.

That sounds really harsh and I don't know how to say it clearly any other way. I'm sorry.

Chilli

I think the first thing you need to do is realise what your failed relationship has taught you. Every failed relationship teaches you something. It may be as deep as 'the inability to lay bare ones soul to a loved one' or more like 'never trust a man who wears white towelling socks.' It is only after you have come to grips with everything that went wrong in the relationship and what you have learnt that you will be able to establish for yourself if returning to this relationship would really work. Emotion does not help it only clouds the picture. I know it is easy to say from here -- but -- leave her alone for now and work out what you can do in yourself and make the changes before you reevaluate the situation again. This time starting from a point where you have a deeper understanding.

These things can take a little time to work out, but a man who knows what he is about and learns from his mistakes is something that most women appreciate.

Hath
x

Hey Chili

Sometimes, it seems that two people should be together cuz they're both lovely people, but that's not always enough.

You knew things weren't right for a long time, so possibly you also know that if you two ended up flogging a dead horse, neither of you would be really happy in the long run. And that's really difficult to accept when you still care about them so much. It's a real pain in the a$$

Get yourself out and about hon I hope you end up with what makes you truly happy.


Q

Thanks again for all the hugs.

It´s good to know that there are couple of people out there who care.

Anyways, again we are at the morning after. And after reading Mother of God´s post, I have to say I do feel a lot better.

In fact, I think you are right. I am in control of me. More or less anyway. So, all I have to do is get out and about again. Start all over. Maybe she´s gonna come with me, maybe not. I am starting to realize what went wrong, or where I was wrong. So, yes it´s gonna take some time, but I think I can manage.

And it didn´t sound that harsh.

I know I am going to regret this post by the time I get home tonight. We are meeting again, this time on purpose. I am going to tell her how I feel, yet again, and what I am planning to do. And what I expect from her if she really wants to stay friends.

Chili

goodluck but sometimes no matter how much it hurts you have to accept that something is over and move on.You can still be friends but it won't be easy.
Be thinking about you

get a grip

It takes a long time before you can really be 'just friends', and you do need to have a break from each other. You'll both be fine in the end, trust me

Queegle

Tehehe... Ok I reckon I expressed it a bit wrong...

One of the things I expect from her si some time "off".

And then we might start again. On whatever basis we may or may not find.

Chili