h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OK..as you may or may not know, I have two children who are 10 months apart in age (they're 3 and 4). They've both blossomed into imaginative little critters, and I'm so proud of them, but Jesus..can they ever p*ss me off these days! It's really rather shocking to me, since babyhood and toddlerhood seemed so easy. However, now I find myself going to bed and feeling guilty for how many times I've said 'No!' or given dirty looks, given times out, etc., etc...While I'd never physically harm them, I can't help but be paranoid that I'm totally ruining their little senses of self, stomping on their spirits, well on my way to creating emotionally damaged little humans who will blame their failed marriages and careers on their mean old mommy, that sort of thing. Any advice?

Better than never saying no to them and turning them into evil little pyscos....

as long as you praise them for what they do well ..it'll balance out Nyssa. Some psychologist analysed we say no ten times to every yes to a child so I wouldn't worry too much. As long as they know they are loved and their good behaviour is valued they'll be fine. It's better to say no than have children no one wants to have visting cos they are so badly behaved.Children need boundaries in order to develope a sense of self..if you set them sensibly they'll be fine. And remember no one is a prefect parent..we learn as we go along ..all we can do is do our best!

Kids do need some discipline... Its part of growing up...

Children are resilient little creatures. As long as they know you love them, you can be cross with them. And loving them is all about giving them hugs, not toys.

Nyssa, I have a 3 year-old boy who is exactly the same. I think Amalgad has it right - even though you can get cross with them (regularly at this stage in their lives), it normally doesn't really affect their relationship with you. Do they still love seeing you when you have been away from them for a while (ie babysitters etc), and are you the first person they turn to when they have a problem? If so, you are not going too far wrong.

Being strict with them is important, I think, because if you aren't strict with them, then they are unlikely to understand the boundaries when they are in other social settings, ie playschool, friends houses, grandparents (although with most grandparents, anything less than setting fire to the house is regarded as a minor misdemeanour).

It's only at this stage that they start to understand the consequences of doing things, and he is beginning to realise when he has over-stepped the limits. Sometimes its useful to show them a way out, no matter how entrenched their position has become. For example, I always always give the lad an opportunity to say he is sorry, and when he does say it he gets a big hug from me and his mum.

Also, its just a personal view, and I don't know the answer, but I wonder how many people wrongly blame their parents for their careers/marriages etc. going wrong? Parents are easy scapegoats, and their could be many factors involved.

Woodpigeon

Just thought I'd add my bit Nyssa... I have a 3 year old boy and yes, I do have to be firm with him on many occasions... eating his tea, going to bed on time, don't be too rough with his baby brother, time to pack the toys away, no you can't have more sweets, etc etc etc... He knows, however, that I love him. I know this because it is obvious he loves me... he is excited when I get home from work, he's always asking me to play with him, when I pick him up from somewhere (playschool, parties) I'm always greeted with the biggest smile...

On bad days, it seems all I am doing is nagging and at the end of the day raised voices sometimes come into play... however, an opportunity to say sorry (as above) followed by a kiss and a cuddle always works.. he knows when he's been naughty and does his best to make up for it... setting firm boundries has led to this...

Nyssa, I haven't spoken to you much but I've read many of your posts... It's obvious to me that you're the sort of head-screwed on person who knows instinctively how to be a good parent... bad parents wouldn't worry about such things and just consider their kids an annoyance...

If any of the above seems familiar, and I'm sure it does, you have little to worry about!!

The best thing with my son... when we've had a disagreement he may say he doesn't like me... "then I don't like you..." I might say return. This is followed by him cuddling my leg and saying I love you daddy

Of course, I return the words and the cuddle... problem sorted... kid well adjusted

Children need bounderies so they constantly push against them to see that they are still in place.It's their way of growing away from you.Sometimes it's their way of 'asking' you to allow them to go to the next stage of their development.It can be your way of allowing them to grow away from you safely because you agree to change the bounderies to accomodate their sense of growing up and gaining independance.As long as you review these boundaries every now and then there shouldn't be any problems.
I remember when my children wanted to go to school on their own.I agonised but realising that as the school was 5 minutes away around the corner I could stand and watch them until they got to the corner and that they could manage the next 20 meters(under the eye on the lollypop lady)on their own and that they would be alright.

Incog who with two teenagers is still looking for the manual.

"Incog who with two teenagers is still looking for the manual"

I reckon they do come with a manual, but like men with a new gadget, women chuck the darn thing away as soon as 'their' new toy is out of the box

Seriously though, I second all of the sound advice given above.

Do you mean, Madent, that you don't read the manual from cover to cover, after you've figured out how to work your new gadget?

My one is much younger, so no can help, I'm afraid, though Iihope that I benefit from hearing al this sound advice

One thing that does occur is: if you have recently noticed a change in your kids, could it be that your kids - consciously or subconsciously - have noticed a change in their surroundings, or in you? Kids are very quick to pick up on things, and may respond without even realising they are dong so. From what you've said online, you *are* in the process of changing your life, but I don't mean to imply that this has to be a traumatic or bad time for the kids - feeling guilty isn't going to help! Could this be affecting things? I'm afraid I'm not in a good position to give any advice on managing such changes

off to the female exam thread - just thought of something!

If I've figured out how to work it, why waste time reading the manual?

I've got a nine year old daughter with global developmental delays and epilepsy. I know how you feel. But it's normal both for kids to push parents and for parents to say "no". That's part of growing up. One thing I learned some time ago that I find to be a helpful reminder when it just seems like the "no"s are constant is that adults expect close to 100 % compliance from children with their instructions/requests/demands: when's the last time we as adults felt it necessary to comply with our bosses 100% of the time? It's important to choose our battles. Think about whether this particular demand is really that important or whether it might be a harmless thing that could be a lesson in responsibility for the child. If she tries to pour the milk by herself, do we say "no", do we let her try and then scream about the spill, do we help her clean it up while we spout an old aphorism, or do we find ourselves pleasantly surprised when she does a perfect job? Of course, if the question is do we let her run out in front of the bus, the answer is a hearty, paralyzing "no!"

I don't thing you're ruining your preschoolers.

Nyass if you think they piss you off now just wait `till they`re bloody teenagers! Don`t worry about crushing their spirit, kids are pretty resilient. We all start off as amateur parents!

My sons are now 22 and 19 (very nearly 20 ) and I was a single parent for quite a stretch of their childhood and they certainly knew how to wind me up. I felt I spent most of those years telling them off.

When H came into our lives he had no children of his own and by that time No1 son was a teenager so it was a very steep learning curve for him.

But in spite of our incompetencies as parents both sons have grown into tall, good looking, well mannered young men and we are ridiculously proud of them.

I always felt that as long as we managed to end the day with a bedtime story and a and , that routine managed to restore harmony, no matter how bloody they had behaved or I had yelled.

It sounds to me as if you are a loving, caring mum and that in spite of life's ups and downs you are building a strong little family.

Thank you for the kind reassurances, advice, etc. Judging by how much my kids like mommy cuddles and whatnot, I'd guess they at least still like me. Also, the 'picking your battles' comment was a good point; I try to, though I guess since my little boy in particular was always so compliant, it just makes my jaw drop everytime he tells me 'no!' and crosses his arms and scowls (though it is kind of cute, actually. Often I have to put a hand over my mouth to keep from giggling at the kids during a 'serious' moment of discipline). Anyway..thanks