h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My friend had a fall and now has a black eye - she's quite embarrassed about it, so we're trying to think of comedy excuses for having a black eye.

Any ideas?

I suggested: Walked into a doorman.

she's pretending to be a one eyed panda? They are rare

Trying to touch your nose with your big toe, slipping and kicking yourself.

Please... tell me that one's true.

Well,

Yesterday she was making soup when she realised she needed a turnip. She couldn't be bothered going to the shops again, (she'd just come back with lentils, carrots, potatoes, leeks etc).

Standing at the kitchen window, wondering what to do, she happened to look into her neighbours garden. More particularly, his vegetable patch!
"Aha", she thought as a light went on in her head. "I'll borrow a turnip from Mr Smiths vegetable patch and buy him another one tomorrow"

She went outside, stepped over the low fence and started to look for a turnip. Finally she spied one. She took hold of the stalk and pulled.

However, as you know, it has been very cold lately and the ground was frozen. No matter how hard she pulled, the turnip would not come out.
As she strained and huffed and puffed, her neighbour came out to see what the fuss was about. When she explained, he offered to help and, putting his arms around her waist, they both pulled.

Well, they pulled and they pulled and they huffed and they puffed, but the turnip still wouldn't come out. At this Jones the Postman arrived and asked what they were doing. When they explained, he offered to help too. He put his arms around Mr Smith who put his arms around her and they all pulled.

Well, they pulled and they pulled and they huffed and they puffed, but the turnip still wouldn't come out.........



can you gues what happened next?

She got it while playing with her dog.

That really did happen to me more than 20 years ago.

I was playing with Tina, my old Labrador-cross, she got a bit boisterous and stepped on my face, giving me a black eye. I was working in a service station in Scotland at the time, and when I was asked about it, I said I'd got it playing with my one bloke said "yeah, right! what was it a boxer"

Emmily

No ideas for excuses... I've only ever had a black eye once and I just told the truth about it. I'd been hit with a mace (as in large Medieval bludgeoning weapon).

Not sure of the physique or habits of your friend, but a (at first glance) tiny (5'2" or so), waif-like girl I worked with once turned in with a cracking shiner, and when someone did a minor double take at it, she looked him in the eye and said "Kickboxing accident." And stared at him silently for a moment, then smiled sweetly. I have no idea if it WAS a kickboxing accident, but it certainly closed the subject down efficiently.

SoRB

Strangely enough telling people I'd been hit with a mace got the same 'stunned silence' reaction... it's gonna be great next year when I start doing Dark Ages re-enactment and sustain all the injuries which will inevitably result from going toe-to-toe with angry Vikings.

I remember meeting a good friend in the pub one night only to discover that he had a marvellous black eye. Of course I had to ask him how he receieved the shiner.

Did he approach a young lady that he shouldn't have? No.

Was he involved in a scuffle with a boyfriend of a young lady he shouldn't have approached ? No.

The real reason he had a black eye? He got kicked by a sheep.

Seriously.

He works as a farmhand at the local country park. He was sheering a sheep and he didn't have it secured properly.

Mind you it wasn't quite as amusing as the timne he 'fell over a cow'.

Fell over a cow, yeah sure. He was just casually walking around naked in the field, tripped and fell onto the cow. We've heard that one before.

The only time I've had a black eye I got it from ... you're not going to believe this but ... I actually walked into a door

Okay ... the rest of the story is that I was very drunk at the time - but I really did walk into a door.

Try telling people that .....

She's a member of the employees' official egg-throwing society at the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister.

She'd noticed that most British sportsmen's wives were wearing one this year, and assumed it was a fashion statement?

I actually got a black eye when I was 6 from my then 3yr old sister. She threw a toy baby's milk bottle at me and it hit right below the eye.

She could always say she was fighting over a dolls bottle and it went in her eye by accident.

I, er... rode into a wall because I decided to ride my bike with my eyes closed and see how far I could go without hitting anything