h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Well now that I have had a good long hard think about it," he said, turning the page on another painfully embarassing moment. "I've decided the problem is probably not the data, but the interpretation of the data."

Let's re-examine the premise from posting #1:

"For adjoining residents, the Canal will add to the general security of their properties, as most burglars cannot swim"

Obviously someone has done some research on convicted burglars, probably as part of some state-funded survey of 'inmate mentalities', to better establish a 'profile' of the likely criminal mind.
Apparently they found that some majority of these convicts claimed to not know how to swim. Whether the felons were telling the truth is for a judge to decide, but the numbers do allow some developer to claim a water obstacle as some proof against break and entry.
But maybe the ones who don't get caught do know how to swim.
All the numbers really prove is that those who turn to crime and get caught and end up filling out surveys in prison were deprived of the ambition or opportunity to learn immersion skills.
Baptism notwithstanding.
peace
~jwf~

I think you will find that any burglars who admitted to not being able to swim did so as an alibi "It couldn't have been me, gov, I can't swim!!" thereby excusing themselves from all water-born crimes, and misleading the public into thinking burglars can't swim.

Either that, or as previously mention, only the burglars who can't swim get caught, the others get away.

What do you think they'll find when it's cleared out? Any idea when this was last done? Victorian bedheads, Edwardian shopping trolleys, WWI boots? Are there enough stinging nettles or brambles to deter the casual visitor at present? Will you be turning them into wine to sip at your boating parties? This one, jwf, will run and run

Well, we all know that witches could swim. If they drowned they weren't witches. If they floated, they were witches, and were burned accordingly.

I think you have a point jwf - if you were a burgler would you admit to being able to swim?

a swimmer (and therefor a ) called Ben

I can swim, but absolutely hate water and will avoid it at all costs - does that make me a water-hating witch or a confused burglar?

Which do you prefer to be?

***B

I'm not convinved that the statement I got on the original leaflet is based on any kind of fact at all. Bear in mind that this is not a government organisation or anything just a canal trust - albeit with lots of money - this work will include repairing the second longest canal tunnel in the UK. So I doubt they have official figures on this but I could be wrong
Some of the older generation around here remember then canal when it still had water in it. It was filled in in the 60s because it was a health hazard apparently (I can imagine ). I believe it's been disused for a lot longer than that.
Jwf has kind of come up with my view on this - yes - it's so overgrown back there with trees, nettles, thistles and the like that nobody would go through there to burgal a house - not your casual burglar anyway. In my view the canal is likely to reduce security in fact.

Not that this actually bothers me - as I said I'm delighted that they're going to do this so I wonder why they bothered to put in this piece of info. Seems rather really.

Aha, perhaps they realised that opening up the canal would infact make the adjoining properties more exposed and therefore thought they would allay your fears in advance by saying burglars can't swim.

Having seen how much work it takes to open infilled canals and repair canal tunnels (the longest one in the country ) you could still be waiting a while before you see water in it and boats on it.

Perhaps... The person who wrote the leaflet is actually part of an international drug smuggling and swimming thieves operation which is laundering its ill gotten gains by repairing old canals and then getting back its investment by selling the property it has previously bought at a vastly inflated price due to the allegedly increased security.

A view over a canal busy with cardboard cutout pirates and mock crocs has to be prettier then a load of old bracken I would have thought. Perhaps you'll get that Croc Hunter guy.

Considering the witch thing acgB said before I had a chance to, I say in trials we should not use lawyers. Instead let us throw the people into the water, if they can´t swim they´re obviously burglars and get punishment as deserved.

But would pirates be a threat to burglars? Honour among thieves and all that?

I think I'd better start making that fudge.

If I were a resident of the area I'd be marching up and down the canal side with a placard saying "Save the nettles! Save the brambles! Make wine not waves!"
And when the police and several kindly social workers finally forced me out of the way of the heavy machinery I'd move. You don't want to live there during the digging. The pollutants those machines will dig up don't bear thinking about let alone breathing or getting in your hair and on your best linen.
There'll be at least one WW2 aircraft in there with rotting corpses and all work will grind to a halt while the Army Demolitions guys gather up the unexploded bombs and ammo ..then the official re-burial ceremonies will hold things up a while.
There'll be at least one Mini with a "Make Love Not War" bumper sticker that someone will recognise as the Monte Carlo winner of 1962 and work will again be suspended while the British Racing Driver's Club (or BMW) exhumes it for restoration.
Car batteries, oil cans, asbestos...
peace
jwf

PS: Obviously if you own your premises, it will be worth much more when all the dust settles and there is a picturesque canal flowing again. So, rent it out to someone you don't like during the construction because you really don't want any of that 'dust' settling on you!

I bet Orcas is feeling really good right now - having lived through 15 years of 'canal reconstruction' he can then sit back and wait to be burgled by the local deliquents (who over the years have been given free swimming lessons in the local swimming baths courtesy of the tax payers). Of course, he won't have any insurance as being 'in close proximity to water' he will be unisurable due to the liklihood of flood damage.

Have you considered moving???

Aha! I've discovered that the tow path will be on the opposite side of the canal to my back garden . They go on to describe the canal as therefore acting as a 'moat' for my garden. So and it is then.
I will then build a spiked pit at the end of my garden - install a small catapult on my roof and fit a portcullis behind my front door.

Burglars

Oo, oo, and boiling oil from the gutters Can I play?

Oh yes, actually I'm going to need to hire some mercenaries to man the ramparts - any other takers?

If you could bring your own longbow that would be lovely

Count me in, my rock-hard tea cakes are lethal weapons when coupled with my son's Black Widow catapult!!