h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I like my guys to be pretty laid back and easy going, have a good sense of humour, like badgers, have good style and hopefully like the same kind of music that I like. It'd be nice to go out with someone who takes care of what he looks like, but he can't be one of those guys who spends more time in front of the mirror than me. Can't be a really untidy guy, well, as long as he was like me and be messy for a while then clean it all up (I'm an untidy tidy person, I have neat piles of mess). Oh yeah, it's a little nitpicking thing, but they can't have nasty trainers or jeans that are a) too short and b) drainpipe. He can't be one of those guys who are really loud and boisterous (but then again, I once went on a date with a guy who was really shy, possibly worse than me, and it was terrible. So he can't be as shy as me either).There's loads more little things, but I can't think of them just now.

Not that anyone I've gone out with has been all, or any of the above...

Go on then, what do you look for?

The other thing I was thinking about recently was - going back to the original title of this thread - exactly where are good places to look for NFGs?

Clubbing, quite frankly, doesn't seem to be the answer unless you've got the knack - the thing that's worked best for me is friends of friends. And although I've decided to stop looking and just enjoy myself for a while, I was wondering about where other good places to look might be. Evening classes and stuff like that is one of those things that's always mentioned.

So that's my next question, while I'm musing on the whole issue. Where did you meet your last (or current) squeeze, and how? Who made the first move?

Mine, by the way, was driving the night off-campus minibus thing at University. She was one of my regular passengers, and we'd been kind of looking at each other for a couple of months. Eventually she got the one person who knew us both to introduce us, and shyly handed me a tape she'd made. A couple of emails later I called round to her room to see her - and that was that for the next six years, really...

I've never ended up going out with anyone who I've met in a club…oh, sorry, yeah I have actually But we only went out together for a couple of months and then he *disappeared*. But whenever I meet someone in a club, it's just a drunken "Can I giv you a call?" then the next time they're pissed, they ring you. Again. And again. And again.

Usually, I meet people through, like you 6, friends of friends. It's better that way, you can learn a bit about them before you meet and then you can go out on a date as a four, so you don't get as many awkward silences. I've never gone out with someone who I've met any other way.

Gah, keep forgetting things. I've also been out with someone who I met at w**k, and been on dates with people from here too.

My last one was at a posh hotel bar in New York where I was staying and where, that evening, I was minding my own business. Didn't hear from him until 2.5 years later and I fell for him. But, what do you know - he was married and didn't tell me that. A veritable lying cheating scumbag. Friends of friends is probably best... Haven't met anyone on courses etc.

What do I look for? Well, it's something that's probably changed a little bit over the last couple of years. I used to have a definite 'type' - in terms of appearance, style, taste in music etc - but that seems less important now. In fact, one of the things that finally got me out of the indie ghetto was meeting a girl last summer who'd always been into dance music and never been into bands, and that prompted me to check out a whole bunch of music and clubbing that I'd never been into before - it didn't work out with her, but it's led to a whole new lease of life for me.

When I do meet someone that I like the look of, I suppose what I'm looking for first is some sort of sign that she's interested, and she'll meet me halfway. Something in the eyes, usually, or just how they respond to eye contact, whether I get a smile back or whatever. I'm not hugely confident, so I tend to look for some sort of encouragement.

Smoking helps, in my case. I got talking to the last girl I met that I really liked because she asked me for a cigarette. A mate of my mate's (who I'd not met before) had seen us sort of checking each other out, and he nudged me and asked if I was seeing anyone at the moment, and if I wasn't then I ought to go over and say hello. So I did!

It's maybe a strange rule of thumb for a bloke to have, but if I like someone's footwear, then the chances are I'm going to get on well with them. So that's something I look for.
Then I suppose it's about looking for a certain amount of common ground. Someone that doesn't take themselves or the world too seriously, that's got the ability to laugh at it. Hoping that their way of looking at the world - something about their sense of humour, politics, taste in music and films and things - is somehow going to be a little bit different in some way to the mainstream, the stuff that everyone gets sold by the mass media. It seems to be getting less and less important for it to be completely similar to my stuff, but whatever it is I've got to have respect for it - I couldn't be with anyone who was into crap chart music, or voted Tory, or only ever watched Hollywood blockbusters.

Oh, and it helps if they don't object to football... it doesn't matter too much if someone's not into it, but if they hate it it's probably going to cause problems somewhere down the line 'cos it's a massive part of my life!

Number six, you are rubbing off on me! In a good way.

I am also really happy just being me and enjoying life right now.

Hmmm. To continue to direction this conversation is going, I'd have to say that I'm not certain who I'll like. I'm making this up as I go along.

Looks are important, but in a subjective way. Other people may not like the same things about a guy that I do, but I have to think he's attractive. And the standards by which I judge attractiveness are changeable and depend on the person.
He has to like obscure bands but also be able to appreciate the kind of music you sometimes just have to sing aloud to on the way to the beach with all the windows down (sometimes they are one and the same.)
I really like it when he is musical, especially if he can sing and play the piano or guitar. He ought to have pretty solid views on politics, religion, social issues, and life in general, meaning he can talk about them with ease and feeling, but not have to be "right." That's the worst. He should be fairly well read and curious about the way the world works. Once he makes a decision, he ought to be able to back it up, but if someone proves he's wrong, he should be willing to concede a good point. I like debate, but when I'm in over my head, I'd like him to be gentle about it, and be a graceful winner. I need that.
I am not good with smokers or heavy drinkers. Cigarette smoke sometimes smells kinda good to me, 'cause I'm weird, but it makes me wheeze. I like a guy to be sure of himself, sure of God, and sure of my affection. He's got to be able to tell me no.

I've met guys through friends, and I think that's the best way. I just can't stomach clubbing or barhopping to hook up with some stranger. Recently the coffee house music scene has been promising, though, and the online thing is looking good. I'm wary, but who knows what could happen?

It's been said before, but I can't understand how people can meet members of the opposite sex at clubs. It's dark, loud, full of flashing lights and a large amount of the clientele will be on drugs. You can't see anything, hear anything or say anything. So how are you supposed to meet the man/woman of your dreams?

But I guess I've never really got on with clubs anyway. My body moves in all the wrong directions to be much of a dancer.

I don't know what the deal is with what my 'type' is. It tends to change from day to day. I can usually tell if a lady is someone who I could spend a lot of time with fairly quickly. She needn't look a certain way, but she has to be interesting. Women who talk about their jobs all the time are dull as anything. Has to be into music to some degree, (or at the very least has to be able to tolerate my obsession,) although not necessarily the same genres as me. Good conversation is also a must, or people will get bored with each other very quickly.

Usually you can tell by the glint in the eye, though. The glint is possibly the most important thing. Without the glint, you might as well forget it.

This is going to sound really conceited or something, but I met my last girlfriend after my band had just played a gig. She was a friend of a friend, (this is clearly a rich seam for a lot of people here!) and we got chatting after we'd finished packing up. Then she asked me out, although I was smitten already and probably would have asked her if she hadn't. I always get embarassed saying that, as it makes out she was some kind of groupie or something, which she wasn't at all.

Where can I meet some nice friendly girls?

RF

Why, thank you Jessie!

I've been thinking about the whole thing more than I have for a while. On my way home I concluded that I usually tend to go for girls who are pretty rather than beautiful, attractive rather than stereotypically sexy, and who look after their appearance but in spite of the evidence in the mirror somehow don't quite believe that they *are* attractive.

The reasons for this are threefold:
a) girls who know they're attractive are a complete pain in the backside
b) they're also usually out of my league
c) human beings are naturally quite insecure creatures, so this still leaves me with a decent chance of finding someone I fancy without getting lumbered with someone who's conceited and high-maintenance.

I also realised that my success rate with anyone who I've decided in advance that I like is precisely 0%. Either they decide they like me, or something happens as soon as I meet them.

The trouble I have with clubbing is that I really like it, and I'm a pretty good dancer - just that somewhere along the line I confused going to a club have have a good time with going to a club to go on the pull. I have to say, Footbacon, that your clubbing experiences explain quite a lot to me - if the girls I've been meeting are used to the kind of blokes you've been meeting, that could explain the number of false starts I've had in the last year. It's also an explanation I like because it means I can conveniently brush anything that might be wrong with me and any false moves I might have made under the carpet

YalsonKSA, you're right about the glint... it's everything, isn't it? I've always been meaning to start a band, or get myself into one - maybe I should!

I'd forgotten about the religion thing too. I've only ever had one one-night stand, and I've just realised probably why it stayed at that... I remember meeting up with her for a drink a few days later and thinking "You're lovely, but you're wearing a denim jacket and talking to me about going to church, and I can tell this just isn't going to work" Not particularly proud of that, I suppose it was a combination of my being pragmatic and shallow at the same time.

ok, ok, I can see about the church thing, if you aren't into that, but what's wrong with denim?

Also, umm, explain to me exactly why that thought was shallow. Were you thinking that church girls don't put out (but that one did...), or do you realize that your denim comment was petty, or what? Just confused.

Also, her church must be ok with one-night-stands, but in my limited experience most would put that on their "absolutely never or you will burn in the pit of hell forever" category. Granted, fornicators ought to be perfectly welcome with every other sinner in the church, and then there's the whole keeping-your-sex-life-a-secret thing. It just sounded pretty comical to me that your only "one-night-stand" was with a girl who wears denim and offers to take her sex-partners to church. there's a pretty famous cult I'm thinking of, but I can't remember the name...they actually used sex as a way to recruit members for their cult. Interesting... "The Family..." they nicknamed themselves...hee hee...

and, if you're not all riled up and thinking I'm insulting you, which I'm not, but I'm terribly sorry if it sounds like it(I am the keeper of accidental insults, after all), then:

It's the best thing when you find someone who doesn't know how pretty she is! (Or vice versa, in my case) The only thing to watch out for is that it might be a genuine case of scary low self-esteem. In that case, you'll compliment and compliment but she'll come back with a rebuttal every time. That gets tiring. It's much better to find someone who doesn't know how attractive she is, but when you tell her, she believes you, even if it takes a few tries. Then you know she isn't just bent on feeling sorry for herself, at risk for an eating disorder, etc.

And...I think a guy in a band is so automatically cool...and hot. There is just something about guys in a band. *sigh* Definite weakness of mine. In fact, 4 out of the last 6 guys I was interested in were all musicians of one stripe or another. This goes back quite a few years, in case you were thinking I was one of those flavor-of-the-month type people. I'm not. I just like musicians. wow. I do have a type. go figure.

Well, I don't feel particularly insulted!

And there's nothing wrong with denim per se... it's just that I've got a bit of an aversion to blue denim jackets, particularly when worn with blue jeans. It's probably a bit but it's connected to the way I grew up - somewhere in the back of my mind, I link them with dodgy 80s rock bands and frizzy bleached hair. Seeing as she wasn't into either, I was probably being a bit daft, but I reckon deep down my reasoning was that if she didn't see the combination as a negative cultural sign the way I do, then maybe we didn't have a similar enough worldview for it to work out.

And she wasn't offering to take me to church - that *would* have been a bit weird under the circumstances! But I think she was mentioning it as a way of saying her church wasn't OK with the whole thing - and seeing as I'm not really religious (I suppose I'm an agnostic-verging-on-atheist) I thought it was maybe best left as it would probably cause complications later on...

I still don't really understand if I was being shallow or sensible in either case. But I can see the comedy in the situation As soon as I get off the emotional rollercoaster, I tend to have a good laugh at the situations I get myself in in the quest for NFGs.

>> "You're lovely, but you're wearing a denim jacket and talking to me about going to church, and I can tell this just isn't going to work" <<

This is actually one of the big things about relationships, though.

What is important in a relationship isn't just "which side you're on" but more your philosophy and attitude. I couldn't go out with someone who is a "true believer" in any religion. It doesn't fit with my world view. I could probably go out with an agnostic or a buddhist, because they have a similar outlook on life.

Similarly, I've tried going out with someone with a different political viewpoint from me, and again, that didn't work either. You may think it's unimportant about which party you support, but fundamentally it matters, because if you care about politics at all, it is a part of your moral philosophy and it infuses your entire life. It's no coincidence that one of the toughest courses at Oxbridge is Politics, Philosophy & Economics, and that they are linked in this way.

Strangely, the third part of what makes a relationship work or not is a surprising one...it's attitude to pornography. Suffice it to say, you have to agree on who is being exploited.

RF

Amen

"You're lovely, but you're wearing a denim jacket and talking to me about going to church, and I can tell this just isn't going to work"



I'm not sure exactly what's funny about that sentence, but it made me laugh for ages.

I'd say a good place to meet NFG's is in hostels. Just so much easier to get a conversation going for one thing. The downside is it does mean they will likely be leaving to somewhere else pretty soon.

Also if you do some charity work, you can find NFG's through that. The downside is, if you do charity, they will put a big stamp saying "Nice guy" on your forehead, and that will be the end of that.

for RF

Well RF was doing lots of charity work at the meet , so he's obviously the man that charitable girls might go for.

Yeah - I've seen the photos.

*suddenly glad that I was unable to make the meet*

Was there any new debauchery (rather than just the usual suspects )