h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Firstly! For once, this is a serious journal post (makes a change)

During August 2010 I hit the age of 60 years, not a happy bunny about it, but its life and it happens, so I’ve to live with it (did I say serious?)
Anyway the day after my birthday, I received a self test kit for the bowel cancer screening program and had to take samples of err waste matter and post them off (that going through the postal service, the mind boggles).
After a week or so, the results came back and they said that they were inconclusive and to do another test, of which I shall not go in to, but as with the first test, 6 samples have to be taken, 2 at each sitting
These were sent off in due form, the Royal Mail sniffer dogs can’t have been on form, no MI5 at door (I DID say serious didn’t I?)
Time passes by (innuendo) the reply came and stated that abnormalities had been found and an appointment had been made at my local clinic to see a screening nurse about having a colonoscopy (a camera up the rear end) Now I’m still positive that nothing will be found that could be a disadvantage to my health, as in “C”. BUT! Even though I don’t think negative, this is ONE occasion in my life when that minuscule negative imp raised its head and tried to attack me and I can tell you, IT was a fight to keep it down. This fight was from September to present day near enough.
Sunday 17th Oct I had to go on a form of diet and then at 12noon on Tues 19th I had to stop eating anything and could not take food until the colonoscopy was over. At 7.00pm that night, I had to drink a concoction to make me remain very close to the toilet and for a few hours I DID plus I had to constantly take clear fluids only, as in flushing out. Sleep was sporadic and at 7.00am Wednesday morning I had to take another drink of the same and my bum went into overtime again, my appointment for the colonoscopy was at a major hospital in the City of Wakefield approximately 10 miles away at 2.15pm. Having sorted out about getting there and back (bro in law and his car) of we set, I was apprehensive about the invasion of my body from a non frontal attack and the embarrassment of the intrusion. What happened next I will not go in to, but I watched it all on a monitor and after seeing such stuff on TV programs, the fact that this one was INSIDE me – nuff said. I did not have any sedatives, so it was “say cheese and smile” then ram the procedure that followed I would not wish on friends (enemies oh yes!) As the Prof and knowing MY body, I’d expressed to the surgeon what MY prognosis was and after advancing deeper (ouch) he agreed lol. But the fun wasn’t over, he found nestled away inside, 2 polyp’s (he said DO not worry, as these are only a form of wart and are not dangerous (if left, they COULD have become the big C) So they were removed. Everything else inside was clear and normal (part of ME normal makes a change).
The process from insertion to removal of the camera was about 45 minutes “I think”, the embarrassment I thought I’d have didn’t really appear as such. There was a little more that went off, but not the sort of thing to openly discuss. As standard the polyps are sent for testing and the nurse had told me that they will not show anything undue and that she would phone me with the results and after a phone call from her this afternoon (21st) she emphasized this while asking if I was ok and suffering no after effects from the procedure and she would phone next week as soon as the results are in.

This bit might look in bad taste, but it is part of the written report that I received from the day and the same copy will be going to my GP (local doctor)

Findings
Anus: Ill-defined abnormality (see comments) (possible small internal haemorrhoid).
Rectum: Normal.
Sigmoid colon: Ill-defined abnormality (see comments) (smooth muscle hypertrophy).
Descending colon: Normal.
Splenic flexure: Normal.
Transverse colon: Normal.
Hepatic flexure: Normal.
Ascending colon: Normal.
Caecum: Polyp - sessile (2mm sessile ?metaplastic polyp-removed cold biopsy). Polyp - sessile (3mm
sessile ?metaplastic polyp-removed cold biopsy). Procedures: Biopsy. Biopsy.
Terminal lleum: Not visualised.
Complications - None
Comments
The quality of bowel-preparation was satisfactory
Well tolerated with good views. Two small sessile ?metaplastic polyps were removed from the caecum by cold biopsy and possible small internal haemorrhoid. Otherwise unremarkable. Follow-up according to histology. NB: Digital images for this procedure exist on the patient's electronic record
Follow-up
GP. No further investigations are proposed.

“Otherwise unremarkable” WHAT! How dare he! every part of my body is remarkable, maybe, but still remarkable lol (has to be, it's only one I have)

“Digital images for this procedure exist on the patient's electronic record”
NO way Youtube and sorry! There will be no guided tours ok!

ANYWAY! The Prof Lives to laugh another day eh!
It’s life! It happens, so just get on with it, take life by the horns and swing it around

All's well that ends well? Glad to hear that it was good news in the end.


Lanzababy

I like a story with a happy end!

Glad it isn't anything serious, Prof even though it is serious I think you know what I mean. I had to have the camera up there so they could check the extent of my fisula. That wasn't too bad but the digital (think fingers rather than watches) examination was very uncomfortable so you have my empathy.

To your continued good health

All's well that ends well. (I had to get this in soon, before we all run out of puns that can be used on h2g2.)

Congratulations. I know you're remarkable, but try to keep off of medical video in the future, okay?

Whew! I'm glad it turned out okay.

I had to go through that twice in 2008 (several polyps removed) and will have to go back again in 2003, but beyond the polyps, nothing wose than some minor varicosities.

It was worse when I had to go in on that in 1996, a 0.4 liter abscess and I was only days away from coma and death. A little minor surgery, four days in the hospital, though, and I was almost as good as new.

On the other hand, I've got friend who's currently undergoing chemotherapy on a similar problem and its a no joke proposition. The stresses are clearly showing with them.

So I was scared when I saw your notice and I'm very glad you're okay.

get the wide angle lens

Glad the results were Prof. Thanks for the blow by blow account I wish PHM had the courage to undergo that but his breathing is that bad I don't think he'd cope. I shall not be showing him your post!

Even more I missed your birthday, but Sixty is a great birthday, you are still young with years ahead of you. Enjoy every day, especially now you have that hurdle out of the way.


Websailor

Oh my, Prof. Glad it's all OK.

Here's a guide entry in case you are interested: A19645220

Glad to hear you are ok

thank you for your comments my friends - THEY are appreciated

arse'll be fine, so no worries ok

Cheeky, cheeky!!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts as you explore your inner self...

I nearly got lost and was expecting a St Bernard dog with brandy to errpop in

http://www.anglik.net/rhymes.htm
There was an old lady

I dread my version

There was a man from Pontefract
Who went for tests on his anal tract
There was a look of shock
As the doctors took stock
All was well, all was intact.

I'm glad all turned out !

Hi Prof!!

Welcome to the 'Camera up the Bumhole' Club!!

Been there, done that, got the 'T' shirt!!!

Mind you, I thought mine was going in the opposite direction, as my problem is at the opposite end of the guts!!


Dread to think who got my camera next, though!!!!



GT

Somehow, all this talk reminded me of an old scifi film:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060397/

I would hate to see a Mel Brooks remake using proctology.

Ah Dmitri!

Asimov strikes again!!

Read 'Fantastic Voyage II - Destination Brain' yet??



GT