h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer. They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung.

Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his
wife she was going to do all the dishes and housecleaning that needed to
be done at their home. He said that it took a couple days, but on the
third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed
and put away.
Jimmy had married a woman from Australia.
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes,and the cooking. He told them that the first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day it was better.By the third day,
his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on
the table.
The third man bragged he had married a Yorkshire girl.
He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house
clean, dishes washed,lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything
the second day he didn't see anything
but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down
and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a
bite to eat,load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off
Down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his
(thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even
higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror
There was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
floored it some more, flying down the road at over 200 mph to escape.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind
Of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the
Police car to catch up with him.
The policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's' side.
"Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. "If
You can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why
You were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran
Off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back"
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day.

Vintage, but wearing well...

The jokes aren't bad either!



zdt

Vintage, moi - I've been called a toyboy today - I'll have you know

Have you now?!!!

Mind you, there's quite a market for old teddies & suchlike these days!

(I was actually referring to Professor Animal, but no smoke without fire if the cap fits when in Rome & all that!

zdt*keeper of mixed metaphors*

oh titter ye not, nay nay and trice nay

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder, orders a and before he goes to sit dow the barman asks 'What do you call that newt?', the man replies 'Tiny', the barman asks 'Why?' the man replies 'Because he's my newt...'

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Subject: Easy as 123
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but
nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him
to an African medicine man.The medicine man casts a spell but tells
the old man that he can only use it once a year.
" All you have to do is say '123', and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want it
to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say
is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again
for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That
night he showers, shaves, and slaps on the Brut all over.
He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123", and suddenly
he has the most gigantic fourXXXX ever, just as the medicine man had promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"

News flash : A young man jumped off the Pont Neuf bridge in Pairs today, and was arrested before being rescued because he was abviously in seine...

(OK - I'll get me coat ...)

passed on to me from a good friend.

How many members of the starwars crew does it take to change a light bulb?
None, 'we don't need a light bulb we'll just CGI the light in later'

How many members of the Buffy/Angel/X-files crew does it take to change a light bulb?
None, 'the darkness works just fine'

How many Doctor who producers dose it take to change a light bulb?
'Ah light bulbs, if only I had the time or money to change light bulbs!'

How many of the star trek movie crew dose it take to change a light bulb?
6, 1 lighting gaffer, 1 supervising gaffer, 1 assistant director of lighting, 1 director of lighting, 1 executive producer and 1 accountant. Total cost $6000.

How many Borg dose it take to change a light bulb?
All of them (think about it!) or 'light and dark are irrelevant'

How many Kilngon does it take to change a light bulb?
None, 'Light is for the weak'
Or How many Kilngon does it take to change a light bulb?
2, 1 to change the bulb, the other to sing an song about the epic struggle against the darkness

How many Romualns does it take to change a light bulb?
3 1 to change the light bulb, 1 hired assassin to kill the bulb changer and 1 to take credit for it

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A) One: Any more would be illogical.

Q) How many Voyager Crew does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Shouldn't they have run out of light bulbs A LONG TIME AGO?!?

How many JEM-HADAR does it take to change a light bulb?
- 1 but the light bulb has to be soft-WHITE
How many PACKLED does it take to change a light bulb?
- 2. one to say,"Packled can not change light bulbs", and the other to change the light bulb so that the first one can come over and explain way Packled can not change light bulbs.
- None. They need Geordi. Geordi is smart.
- Well, first they have to kidnap Geordi to make him tell them which way in the lightbulb is supposed to go........
How many TRILLS does it take to change a light bulb?
- 4. One to change the light bulb, and the other three to complain how they could of lived in a better body if they wanted to.
- Both of them.
How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb?
- "Aproximately 1.000000000000000000000000000000"
- 2. One to say light bulbs are highly illogical, and they others to mix the martinis.
- Two, but it is an illogical waste of effort to construct a light bulb for such a purpose.
- One: Any more would be illogical.

How many Goa'uld does it take to change a light-bulb?

None -Why do they need light-bulbs, when they've built-in flashlights for eyes.

Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
1). Ten! One to change the bulb, and nine to argue how their own bulb
gives better colour.

2). None! Astronomers aren't afraid of the dark.

"What sort of light bulb should I buy?"
"Should I start with a candle?"
"Where should I buy my light bulb?"
"Where NOT to buy a light bulb."
"What type of light bulb to avoid?"
"What will I be able to see with my bulb?"
"How do I deal with telescope-pollution?"
"Can I buy a bulb for a friend?"
"Can I use my bulb in the daytime?"

How many cosmologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, 'cos they're not visible wavelength electro-magnetic chauvinists, so aren't afraid of the dark!

How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they leave it bust - 'cos they HATE light pollution

How many astro-physicists does it take to change a light-bulb?

4.

One to take it out

One to prove that you can never change it faster than the speed of light

One to ring Patrick Moore to say that it shouldn't be classified as a newly discovered planet
And one to claim that maybe the new bulb has already long ceased to exist but that the light we see is light which came from a bulb

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but they have to be really small, and noone knows how they got in thee in the first place.

This thread is brilliant. How come I haven't seen it before?

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.



Jab

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M%C3%B6bius_strip