h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Jane had been driving 16 hours straight and was still at least six hours away from her destination. It was almost eight o'clock in the morning and she was very tired.
After dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone pole, she decided to pull onto a side road and rest.
Jane turned off the car and closed her eyes ... drifting off to sleep, precious sleep ...
When an old man in a bright blue jogging suit knocked on her window, scaring her half to death.
"Sorry to wake you," he huffed, jogging in place. "But can you tell me what time it is?"
Jane glanced at her watch. "8:15," she said through the glass.
The old man thanked her, then left.
"Just my luck," she muttered. "I'm parked on someone's jogging route."
With a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried to fall asleep.
Two male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn't been dead tired, she would have found them cute. Now, they were just annoying.
"Hi," the blond jogger said.
"Do you have the time?" his brown-haired friend asked.
Jane sighed and looked at her watch. "8:19," she said.
"Thanks," they said, then jogged off.
Jane looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated, she retrieved a pen from the glove box and scrawled 'I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME' on the back of a magazine. She put the hastily constructed sign in the window and settled back to sleep.
A thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she started dozing off.
Jane pointed at the sign and shouted, "Can't you read?"
To which he replied, "Sure I can, ma'am. I just wanted to let you know: It's 8:27."


There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.'
So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.
The hit man replied, 'It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'
The man said, '$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the d**k, just for screwing around with my wife.'
The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks.'

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Why aren't you married yet?
Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life?

Man: Why aren't you married yet?
Woman:Why aren't you thin?

Man: Why aren't you married yet?
Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

A different type of joke.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertantly left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distacted of late.

Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removalists van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.

"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flys". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most irridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.

Quack

I like it, my type of humour, non sensicalkeep em coming TQ

This is Heaven This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!



A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy, today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Michael Howard's (Conservative leader) clock. We decided to use it as a fan

Kids Excuse Notes - (Allegedly Original, including spelling)

* Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

* My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

* Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

* Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the craps.

* My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

* Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

* Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

* Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

* John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

* Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

* Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

* Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

* Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

* Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

* Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

* I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

* Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

* Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

* Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

* Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

* Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

* Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

# Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ?
Pupil: Hot water !

# Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ?
Pupil: All of them !

# Why was the head teacher worried ?
Because there were so many rulers in the school !

# Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line ?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there !

# Teacher: If I bought a hundred current buns for a dollar, what would each bun be ?
Pupil: Stale !

# Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

# Teacher: What is "can't" short for ?
Pupil: Can not miss.

# Teacher: and what is "don't" short for
Pupil: Doughnut !

# Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is ?
Pupil: Lassie !

# Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !

# Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ?
Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind, sir !

# Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?

# What do you call an unemployed goat?
Billy Idol.

# What do you call a goat at sea?
Billy Ocean.

# What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the kid.

# What do you call a goat that lip syncs?
Billy-Vanilli.


Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"
The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."

Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Air-bag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a Mother in law."


I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the words "mother in law" you get the words "woman hitler".


A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
__________________________________

Cat Commandments

Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

Thou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shall not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.

Thou shall not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shall not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shall not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shall not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

Thou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

Thou shall show remorse when being scolded.

Ok Prof, you asked for it

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car starts making horrible noises. He manages to get the car into a small town before it finally stalls out in the middle of the street. He gets out of the car and, hiking through the hot desert afternoon, sweat pouring down his penguin brow, he locates the town's car repair shop.
"Excuse me, sir," the penguin says as he approaches the mechanic. "My car's broken down a little way down the street. I was hoping you could help me."
The mechanic pauses for a moment, then shakes his head. "No, I can't help you," he says.
"Why not?" asks the penguin.
"Because you're another hallucination, and I have to close the shop down now and take my medication and maybe take a nap so that it can take effect." The mechanic slams the door in the penguin's face.
The penguin, stunned and dismayed, wanders around town for another hour, but he can't find anyone to help him. Unaccustomed to such sweltering, overwhelming heat, and unable to find shelter of any sort from the intense afternoon sun, the pengiun soon succumbs to the heat and dies

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithall to perform suich a complex activity is really quite low.

A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there.
The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit.
"Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last."
"Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight yerars since you last smoked a cuban cigar?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years.
"So is it also eight years since you had a drink?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth and mellow and utterly delicious.
"So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?"
"Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming."
Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone, so terribly alone.

Had enough?

nope!! the 25yr malt will KEEP me goingbring 'em on my friend

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''
The bear replies, ''I guess I will have a soda instead.''
So the bear and the bartender talk over nonalcoholic drinks all night about the reality of interspecies communication

These three guys are in a bar, and they're pretty well smashed. First guy turns to the second guy and goes "you know, there's a building by here with some weird wind currents. You jump off the roof, fall nearly to the ground, then the updrafts catch you and carry you safely to the roof again." Second guy says "bullshit, that's a lie." First guy goes "okay, asshole. Bet you fifty bucks that I'm right." The second guy agrees, and they go off to the roof in question.
During the walk to the building, the second guy's head clears a bit, and he figures out why the first guy's blue, red, and yellow costume with big red cape looked so familiar. He calls the bet off.

my kind,where'd you find them??humour aint just slipping on a banana skin

Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which I suspect had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn on that goddamn light...."I'd s............................

A man's sitting alone in a bar, just him and the bartender. He's drinking his troubles away, trying to get over his crushing depression, but the alcohol is just making it worse since alcohol is a depressant. He's staring at the wall, a half-empty gin and tonic in front of him, when he hears a voice.
"Pssst," it whispers. "Nice shirt."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. He sees the bartender at the end of the bar, cleaning glasses. "Hey bartender!" the man shouts. "Did you say something?"
"No," the bartender says, and goes back to cleaning glasses. The man shrugs and goes back to staring at the wall. After a few minutes, he hears the voice again.
"Psssssssssst," it whispers. "Nice tie, too!"
"BARTENDER!" the man shouts. The bartender comes over immediately. "Bartender," the man says, "did you SAY anything?"
"No, the bartender says. "Why?"
"Because I heard a voice talking to me! It said I had a nice shirt, then it said I had a nice tie, and you're the only one here so it..."
The man pauses as the bartender lifted a shotgun from behind the bar.
"What are you doing?" gasps the horrified man.
"You get the f**k out of my bar before those goddamned voices tell you to kill me, or so help me God, I'll kill you first. GET OUT."
The man leaves.

Time for Prof, catch you later, nearly as mad as me eh!

an Englishman playing blackjack, turns over a ten and a 8, he's just about to stick, when a lepricorn appears on his shoulder and says buy one, the Englishman says I've got 18, the lepricorn says buy one, so he does and its an ace, making 19, so he's about to stick this time. The lepricorn says buy another, I've got 19 I'll bust, no buy another. So he does and its another ace making 20, Oh! I'm sticking now, says the man. No No buy another says the lepricorn, yes but! I've 20, don't worry I'm a lucky Irish lepricorn, buy another, so he does and again its another ace, making 21..The lepricorn turns round and says, boy! your a jammy bugger arn't you!!