h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Silly!

who me????


Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse",she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra", which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too.
His mother then says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!



A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are p****d off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"

Yes you silly!

goodI aim to please

Good!

I'm the 1st person, to have "trapdoors" on their p/space..??????


Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first, I guess.

Doctor: You only have one week left to live. Patient: Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now?

Doctor: Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I'm taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!


Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse?
What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil �till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!


Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker!

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!



A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"
She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.
So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"
One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"


There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.
However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.
Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?

She threw away all the "W&W's"


Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.

So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."

Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo."

A touch of science, for uz brainy wonz



A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."


Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn't put it down?

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"


Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.

What element do women use to get dates?
Tellurium

What did the chemist say to a chic babe when he passed by her in his sports car?
Radon baby!

Where does one put the dishes?
Zinc

What does one do if one can't zwim?
Zinc

What happens when electrons lose their energy?
They get Bohr'ed. What are?

What is Ba(Na)2 ?
Banana

What is NaCl(aq), NaCl(aq), C C C C C C C ?
Saline, saline, over the seven Cs

What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
Barium.

What is the purpose of a doctor?
Helium.

What do you call a convict who dresses up as a clown?
Silicon.

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old boy leant over the bar.
The Devil wanders across to the old boy and says "Do you know how I am?"
The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep"
The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid?"
The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "nah, I've been married to your sister for 40 years. Why the hell should I be scared of you?"


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to go for a p**s."

Quote! un-Quote!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

....Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do witches run spell checkers?

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

1 + 1 = 3 for sufficient quantities of 1. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

All computers wait at the same speed.

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

Hit any user to continue.

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!

Apologies if a joke is repeated.....




A guy goes up to the pearly gates and declares himself dead - and wonders whether he should be going to heaven or hell. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

Tell-tale Signs of a Loser

* He has a wife and a cigarette holder - neither one works.
* If it rained soup he would have a fork instead of a spoon
* She's had bad luck with two husbands, The first on left her, and the second one won't.
* She got a divorce and all she got was custody of her 'husbands parents'.
* He waited for years for Dame Fortune to knock on his door, but it was her daughter, Miss fortune, showed up.
* He worked two years on his boss's signature, then the perfectly forget check came back, marked 'Insufficient Funds'.
* If he went into the men's pants business, men would start wearing kilts.
* He's as useless as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest.
* Couldn't hit the side of the barn from the inside with all the doors shut.
* His boss would gladly pay him what he's worth, but it's against the Minimum Wage Law.
* She bought a house with lots of doors for opportunity to knock on, but only his 'relatives' did.
* He couldn't direct traffic down a one-way street.
* She's a two-handicap golfer - she has a boss who won't let her off early, and a husband who keeps her home weekends.
* She has delusions of adequacy.
* You get fired from your job at McDonalds.
* You are so annoying that even your multiple personalities won't speak to you any more.
* Your imaginary friends keep finding excuses not to come over.
* Your mom still pick your clothes out for you.
* You pick your nose and don't care who sees you.
* You are over 30 and still living with your parents.
* You look forward to going to a Catholic church for confession just so you can have someone to talk to.
* You welcome calls from phone salesmen because no one else will talk to you.
* You remind a teacher that she forgot to give homework.
* You notice that all of your long-distance phone calls start with "900."

# How did the moron fall on the floor?
He tripped over the cordless phone!
# Why can't a moron dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!
# Why did the moron climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side!
# Why was the moron hitting his head against the wall?
Because it felt so good when he stopped !
# Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?
Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left"!
# What do you call 12 morons at the bottom of a pool?
An air pocket!
# How do you drown a moron?
Put scratch-n-sniff stickers at the bottom of the pool!
# How did the moron try to kill a fish?
He tried to drown it!
# Why did the moron drive his truck off the bridge?
He wanted to check his airbrakes!
# Why did the moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
# How many morons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3...one to hold the bulb, and 2 to turn the chair!
# Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
Because the orange juice carton said Concentrate!
# Why did the moron open the refrigerator door?
He wanted to see the salad dressing!
# What did the moron say when her husband called her on her cell phone?
How did you know I was at Wal Mart?
# What did the moron say when he put a quarter in the parking meter?
Hey! Where is my gumball!
# How do you know when a moron has been making chocolate chip cookies?
There are M&M shells on the floor!
# What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back!
# Did you hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night!
# How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner!
# If a moron & an idiot fell off a building, who would land first?
The idiot...the moron would stop and ask for directions!
# How can you tell when a moron has been using the computer?
There is white-out all over the screen!
# What did the moron say when he saw Cheerios?
Oh Look, Doughnut seeds!
# How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!
# How did the moron break his arm while raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree!
# How do you get a moron out of a tree?
Wave at him!
# Why can't a moron make Kool-aid?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water into that little pack!
# Did you hear what happened to the moron ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.
# Why do morons like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
# Why did the moron scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
# Why did the moron stare at frozen orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate.
# How do you make a moron laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires
Why do Elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning duck


Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
To hide upside down in bowls of custard
Have you ever seen an elephant upside down in your custard?
Then it must work



How do you get 4 elephants into a car.
2 in the front and 2 in the back.
How do you get 4 giraffes into a car.
you can't, its full of elephants



how does an elephant get down from a tree.
it sits on a leaf and waits till autumm