h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."



My mother in law called yesterday when it was belting it down with rain. I opened the door there she was, stood dripping.
I said "Don't just stand there getting wet! GO HOME!"

OOOkay. Lol

The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door



My mother in law is so stupid, she bougt a gun dog to protect her house, and broke it's back trying to load it!




My mother-in-law is a well balanced person. She's got a chip on BOTH shoulders

what makes you think I don't like mother-in-laws.....


A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

One day, a farmer's mother-in-law came to visit his farm. A few days later, she was killed when the mule on the farm kicked her.

Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral - some that the farmer did not even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked, "Why are there so many people here?"

The farmer answered, "Oh, they aren't here for the funeral. They want to buy the mule!"

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the
Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it
and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend
$5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it
would be wonderful to spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he
was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

You been reading the Les Dawson and Bernard Manning Joke Book?

my ex m-in-law was a dragon(no disrespect to real dragons)


These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal


"That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV

"And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3

Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for?

Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and

engineering services? - BBC Radio 1

"Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."

Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."

James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"


"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you


The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff,
"Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?"
"Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."



After 30 years of marriage, a husband said he wanted a divorce. His wife was stunned. "But Will," she pleaded, "how could you want to divorce me after all we've been through together? Remember how just after we met, you caught malaria and nearly died, but I looked after you. Then when your family was wiped out in a hurricane, I was there for you. then when you were falsely accursed of armed robbery, I stood by you. Then when you lost $50,000 on the horses, I sympathized. And when that fire destroyed your office, I comforted you. How could you leave me? We've been through so much."

"That's the problem, Jan. Face it, you're just bad luck."

....*laughs*

I purloined this from I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are in the pub
"I've got a magic mirror in my bag" she said "It talks to me, I'll show you" she gets the mirror out of her bag and says
"Mirror mirror out of my handbag who is the fairest of them all"
"Why you are Snow White" says the mirror, Snow White hands the mirror to Tom Thumb
"You have a go" she says
"Mirror mirror out of Snow White's handbag, who is the smallest of them all" he says
"Why you are Tom Thumb" says the mirror, he hands it to Quasimodo, how looks a bit reluctant and tries to hand it back
"Go on Quasimodo" says Tom Thumb "Take it to the Gents where we can't hear you and then come back and tell us what it says, so Quasimodo goes off to the Gents and when he comes back and says
"Who the is Ann Widdecome"

double like it

I'm glad you like it, I screamed the place down when I heard it

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down.
A couple of minutes later, the bartender sees the guy talking to his hand. Not wanting any of his other customers to beat this guy up, the bartender walks over and tells the guy to stop talking to his hand.
"But I got a cell phone implanted in my hand, bartender!" Sure enough, the guy has a phone implanted in his hand.
"Well, put it away before you get beaten up," says the bartender.
This guy finishes his drink and goes to the washroom. When he doesn't come out, the bartender gets worried and goes looking for this guy.
He finds him in the washroom with a toilet paper roll shoved up his ass.
"I told you," says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm fine," says the guy, "just waiting for a fax!"


A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.
After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
He says, "I'm here about your ad."
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"
"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.
"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.
"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.
Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"
He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat immediatly. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!

Note: Out of concern for the public at large, the statistics on lawyers have been withheld for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.




This story takes place on a Native American reservation. One night, it was very, very cold; so cold that people had to bundle together to stay warm.

Coincidently, nine months later, at the reservation hospital, there were so many women in labour on the same day that every bed in the maternity ward was full. When another woman came in, the staff found a deer skin and stretched it out on top of some pillows to provide for her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

Another woman came in, so the staff found a buffalo skin and stretched it out on top of some pillows to give her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to healthy twin baby boys.

Finally, yet another woman came in. The staff scrambled around, and found the skin of a hippopotamus (a traveling circus had been passing through the area earlier that year and their hippo had died...). They stretched it out on top of some pillows to give her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to triplets - three healthy baby boys.

The story is just another validation of a well-known truism:

"The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

One for the teenagers

A Mars a day helps you work, rest and......................................Cheer up Marianne Faithfull

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 yr. old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied,
"Bud."


can't print my version of this one below



This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?
"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"