h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*In the lobby are some shabby couches and chairs and some torn magazines dating back many years. The paint on the walls is peeling and the ceiling tiles are stained. The carpet is threadbare and looks like it hasn't been cleaned in ages, which is true.

Behind the reception desk, sits a non-funtional robot, propped up in place with a broomstick.

The security area shows more activity, with several Apes sitting around a table, playing cards. They have a clear view of the Lobby from where they sit and one of them gets up whenever anyone enters, which is rarely.*

*Hersh one of the Mine Security Supervisors enters the lobby and bawls the Apes out*

Move out of my way you mangy curs

*Follows Hersh into the Security area. Pours himself a coffee.*

Bad night, Hersh?

The last lot they brought in was really poor Butch. One of them .....

*consults a clipboard*

...... Volunteer Number U179295, is being plain foolish. The whole of the last intake is not worth squat

How's your shift working out ?

Oh, not bad, Hersh. But it sure is confusing when every second volunteer has number U46995 on his back.

So you got one of those too hey ! I hear Lindt got a whole bunch of them.

Yeah, the barracks are full of them. No one can keep them straight. And they tend to hang around together, never going out in groups less than 3. I once saw a pair of them start for the canteen - they didn't get hardly out the door before they rushed back to get another of them.

Toby told me that there's another management edict coming up from the Lizard and the Wolf ..... something about a cull ?

A cull? About time, I say. We're in danger of being overrun.

Oh, and did I tell you? We solved the shoe problem for volunteer U28338 . We cut down a couple of trees, hollowed out the tree trunks and nailed on some leather belts.

*walks in and wipes brow after a gruelling shift in the mine*

Gimme a cold beer Butch.

Lost some more volunteers today ..... rockfall at the new fission chip face took out a complete squad of those S*P*A fanatics we collected on the trip before last.

Say have you guys heard about these salonista's headed our way ?

Nope. Who'd be in their right mind to try and bust in here

Salonistas? What are they, folks who hang out at the hair dressers?

Har har har har. Wait till they see how *I* cut hair. Har har har har. I'll show them how to curl up and dye. HAR HAR HAR HAR!

Oh, incoming email from the bosses.

*reads*

Check intruder sensors in quadrant S3 for spiders on next patrol.

Har har har! We have some spider intruders, boys! Har har har.

Maybe thar saloonistas boys ! Better git some whisky ready fer them.

Har har har har.

*hears a faint noise from above*

Hey boys ..... any of yew hear that ?

*puzzzled*

Sounds as if a horse was loose above us in the old abandoned saloon.

Nah, couldn't be could it ?

Someone should check

Yeah, everyone knows yeh gotta tie up yer horse ~outside~ the saloon. Har har har.

The noise that bugs me is that droning hum. Sounds like an industrial vacuum up there.

Yup. Definately ~somebody~ should go up there. 'Course, that would be a bit of a challenge with all of the ways up sealed off.

Ah guess the fairest way would be to draw straws ?

*holds out three straws*

Go on Butch ..... yew go furst

/* Comes out of the administrative offices, tucking his whip into his belt. The bells on the end jingle as he walks */


What we draw'n strers fer?


An' why's there only free of em?

Hey, Kid, good to see yeh. We've been hearin' noises from upstairs and we're decidin who should go up to investigate. We think there is a horse vacuuming up there. Har har har.

*pulls out a straw about 4 inches long*

I giss it's mah turn

*picks out a straw 8 inches long*

Phew ! Thats jest yew and the Kid left then Lindt.