h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[YC] Okay, let's board the Millenium Bug.

[They do so.]

* MaW checks his 'lifejacket' spells to make sure they're okay *

[MaW] I don't like the looks of this ship... the ceiling's too low.

* he ducks *

[YQ] Hey, what? This is a YT-1300 Corellian light freighter with more modifications than can in any way be construed as legal, just like the Millenium Falcon. [sits in the copilot's chair] Strap yourself in, the acceleration compensator's been acting up. [takes own advice]

Jade: Huh...?

Thras: He said strap in, dear. *straps himself into tiny dragon-sized straps, which apparently YK has made in addition to the modifications that he already... made. Which was very thoughtful of him, thank you.*

Jade: Ah. *does so* ...and why has everyone been calling me dear...?

Thras: I don't know.

Jade: Soo... We're doing what again...?

Thras: You need to pay attention.

Jade: Pay attention to what...?

Thras: Arrrgghhhh!!!!

You are being very hilarious ... dear.


[YQ] We're seeking the Pedant's Pendant.

[YC] Okay ... all systems go ... I guess we can take off, then.

[He flips a few switches, pulls a lever, and sits back as the ship takes off]

And you are being very sarcastic, dear.

Jade: *humming happily as they take off*

Thras: How many shots of espresso were in your frappe again?

Jade: Four. It was a quad.

Thras: ...which would explain the sudden slap-happiness. I see... *sighs*

[MaW] As I said, I don't like the look of this ship, and the ceiling's too low.

* today, MaW is as tall as Chewbacca. He straps himself into the copilot's seat *

[MaW] Will it be a long trip?

* take off happens now *

[YC] Hang on a sec ... Well, it's on Belthuine, so it should be just long enough for the camera to sweep to us coming out of Hyperspace there.

[Sweep to them coming out of hyperspace above Belthuine, an Earth-like planet.]

* MaW opens the window and looks out *

[MaW] Nice place

* he shuts the window again *

[MaW] Are we going to land, or do we skydive?

[YC] NO, we're going to land.

Jade: Are you afraid of heights, YC?

Thras: It seems that he is.

Jade: Shall we chide him?

Thras: Lets!

Jade: YC's afraid of heiiiightssss...

Thras: YC's afraid of heiiiightssss...

Jade: Hey Thras?

Thras: Hey what?

Jade: You know what I heard?

Thras: Whad'ja hear?

Jade: That YC is afraid of heights! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!

Thras: Heheh.

[YC behaves as though Jade's last post was never made and transmits the number "20576" to the planet below.]

[SFX: ]

[Ground Controller 87113] [filtered voice-over] YT-1300 vessel, please transmit your starship name and registration number.

[YC] Millenium Bug, registry YT-47565.

[Ground Controller 87113] [filtered voice-over] AIEEEEEEEE!

[YC] Hi, Elbert. Long time no see.

[Elbert] [for it is he; filtered, alarmed voice-over] And I hope an even LONGER time before we DO see each other!! How did I get /this/ bad luck??

[YC] I transmitted the number "20576" to the control computer.

[Elbert] [filtered voice-over] Huh?

[YC] The random number generator takes the last five-digit number referenced, divides it by a thousand, cubes the result, multiplies what you get from that by ten, and rounds to the nearest whole number.

[Elbert] [filtered voice-over] Nice. Did you come here just to bug me?

[YC] No. It's not something I'd like to talk about on an open channel.

[Elbert] [filtered voice-over] Oh, that. Well, you get Landing Pad 47 in Tatogypt. Here's the coordiantes. And turn off your transmitter.

[YC does so and gets the ship into landing gear]

[MaW] I'll meet you there.

* he jumps out the window. Those who care to watch can see him arching gracefully down into the atmosphere, the white hot air scythed apart by an invisible barrier a few inches from his head *

[MaW] *through the noise of the wind* Wheeeee!!!!

[YQ looks on in bemusement as several patrol ships go after him. Sweep to them landing in a Mos Eisley-style spaceport. Cut to them getting out of the ship; YC notes that MaW has already landed and is wating for them.]

[YC] You been waiting for us?

[YQ] And do we want to know what happened to the patrol ships?

[MaW] What patrol ships? I didn't notice any.

[YC] I see ...

[YQ] So we rent a speeder -- or buy one, if they won't let us -- and rely on MaW's absolutely /expert/ "haggling" skills to get us a good price.

[YC] The speeder shop's thataway.

[They head for the speeder shop]

* MaW follows behind, but not before causing a number of rather dangerous-looking firearms to appear in holsters around his body, all within easy reach of one hand or the other *

[MaW] This should help make an impression...

[They enter the shop. SFX: chimes. A Troydarian flaps over to them; his name is Wozzel and he has a thick Huttese accent.]

[Wozzel] 'Ello, there! 'Ow may I aseest you?

[YC] We need to rent a speeder.

[Wozzel] Rent?? We don't rent speeders here! Nobody comes back alive to return them! We /sell/ speeders. As long as you 'ave money.

[YC] I see. I have two hundred thousand Gil* in my Brantisvogan bank account.

[Wozzel] You 'ave a Brantisvogan account?

[YC] Yeah. Doesn't everyone?

[Wozzel] Eh heh heh heh ...

[YC] What four-person speeders can you give us for 2,000 Gil?

[Wozzel] None!

[YC] [looking significantly at MaW] None?

[*Footnote: About 28,500 British pounds.]

* MaW walks over to the back door of the shop and looks out at where all the speeders are parked. He points at one of the four-person models, which is quite clearly the best in the range, and rests his other hand casually on the butt of the rather large gun holstered at his left thigh *

[MaW] What about that one? How much for that one?

[Wozzel looks from the speeder to the gun and back and then glances at his price list]

[Wozzel] [distinctly nervous] Er, 2001 Gil.

[YC] That'll do. [gives it to him]

[Sweep to them driving the speeder through the desert; YQ is at the controls]