h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Many robots, mutants, and zombies place the finishing touches on the dining table as atimer on the wall creates a loud "gong" noise. Moments later, Dr. Sartasmus enters in a cloud of dark smoke, possibly accompanied by the Masque*

I see that we're the first to arrive. Kindly have a seat.

*Dr. Sartasmus himself sits down, and notes the food of the evening*

Ugh. Mexican night. The food itself is wonderful, but if Dr. Harvey has invented another condiment, I must say that if you truly wish to be imortal, don't touch it until after you've been flooded with a never ending life. Now then, how have you gone about attempting to create a Philosopher's Stone?

*A person wearing simply a dirty lab coat, a T-shirt, and blue jeans appears without smoke, a noise, or any type of special effect whatsoever*

Sartasmus-Ah! Greg The Great! How goes it! Poor Greg never received his Doctorate. However, he far exceeds everyone in this building in the realms of mutations and teleportations. Note his noiseless appearance! You don't even hear the atoms of air molecules being pushed away!

Greg-Very well! I've just finished off enough mutants to conquer Chicago! Guarding the main castle grounds shouldn't be much of a problem for these individuals. How's your guest faring?

*As Greg sits down, what looks and sounds exactly like a Star Trek transportation beam appears. When it fades, an entity who resembles a traditional alien grey with the exception of wings and a prehensile tail appears*

Greg-Dr. Greklas, how are you? Hope you're ready for Mexican Night!

Greklas-Ugh. As long as we aren't forced to endure another Harvey creation!

Sartasmus-Oh, I find that I can usually get through an evening without that. *Helps himself to a taco* Have the two of you ever met our guest, Lord Masque? He's a fellow student of immortality.

Greklas-Ah, the person on board the spaceship.

Sartasmus-Yes, he's the one.

*In what looks like a sparkle of ones and zeros, The Arithmancer appears*

Arithmancer-Good evening, gentlemen! Let us enjoy this feast before our guests arrive!

*There is a general agreement between those present as all pick up some form of food and begin dining*

*Dr. Harvey flashes into existence. He seems to be wearing a standard lab coat, boots, and gloves combination for mad scientists, but is wearing some form of enhanced super suit over it*

Greklas-Dr. Harvey! Why the fancy get up?

Harvey-Good evening Dr.s Greklas, Sartasmus, Greg, and Arithmancer! My original invention for our guests was destroyed by a mysterious bolt of lightning, so I had to resort to wearing my impenetrable battle armor for their arival.

Arithmancer-Yes, I heard that lightning as well. Strange how it got it.

Greg-Yeah. I think I might've seen that. Ball lightning too, not tradiational.

Harvey-Really? You know, I've never seen one of those before.

Greg-Neither had I. It looked pretty neat, though.

Harvey-Yeah. Oh, who's the new perso?

Sartasmus-This is my guest for the evening, Lord Masque.

Harvey-Ah, well I hope his taste buds are ready for my NITRO NIRVANA SAUCE!

*Harvey places a large pot of some strange-looking sauce on the table in a location where everyone can reach it. All of the scientists wince slightly*

*The Masque answers a question that was asked earlier*

Well, I did extensive research during the Middle Ages on all the methods attempted by Earth bound alchemists that failed. When I reached Planet X I was able to cross reference that data with a great deal of information that had been compiled galaxy wide on similar failures, and I was able to eliminate certain constants that had caused failures before. Howevever my only near success in actually creating a Philosopher's Stone was an experiment that resulted in a Sorceror's Stone, which turns lead into silver and creates an Elixir capable of editing British texts for consumption by American markets. I actually tried feeding it to a Brit at one point and successfully turned him into a Yank. Odd.

Most of my immortality experiments have been in the form of soul transportation. You see, I have bound my soul to various magical artifacts. When one body dies, I possess the next person to discover or use one of these artifacts. A fool named Irving Washington tried on a ring of mine as part of a costume for a party, and brought me into being.

*Removes his helmet, revealing a sleek red "Wesly" style mask that he wears while space traveling. This allows him to eat with his hosts.*

*Dr. Sartasmus listens to The Masque's story whlie picking up a taco and "forgetting" to place any of the Nitro Nirvana Sauce on it*

Sartasmus-I've heard that story many times from many people in many places. That story would have been my own story, actually, had I not been very, very lucky.

*Dr. Harvey picks up an enchilada and ladles some of the sauce onto the dish*

*The Arithmancer's watch beeps quietly. He checks it and grins*

Arithmancer-It seems as if at least one of our visitors have arrived. Made their way into my tower. Good thing I remembered to rig the Fibanacci Printer Trap before I left.

*The other scientists nod in agreement*

Greklas-It wouldn't behoove our reputations to leave our personal lairs defenseless.

*Greg's watch begins beeping as well*

Greg-Well well! It seems as if more guests are here. The squid has been placated, and some have made it to my courtyard zoo where they are currently being confronted by my mutants. Looks like three of my mutants have been released. I wonder how many of my mutants will choose to fight...

*Dr. Sartasmus' watch beeps, and he checks it*

Sartasmus-*Helping himself to a quesadilla, carefully avoiding the Nitro Nirvana Sauce* My my! It seems that a few individuals have also made it to the graveyard. Only one zombie is attacking as of right now, but others will join in the fun after a few moments.

Harvey-*Finishing his previous plate, looking at the nachos* Well, it seems as if our guests have made their way fairly well! I sure hope that they....enjoy the experiences granted to them.

Sartasmus-*Turning back to the Masque* Now then, Lord Masque, if I may do so might I enquire as to some the methods that you have used to find the stone? There are actually many ways that work, but even more ways that do not.

Please forgive my slight meddling with continuity in the form of spontaneously placing a random planet into your possession. It made sense in context, and allowed an important topic of conversation to come up. If you like, I can rewrite this entry to exclude the refference.


Well, as I'm sure you know many old Earth texts suggest that various parts of the anatomy of a Phoenix would be essential to the creation of such a stone. There is a great deal of disagreement over which parts. Unfortunately, Phoenixes are now very, very rare on that planet. I have managed to try crystalizing their tears, pulverizing their feathers, powderizing their beaks and atomizing thier pheremones.

Phoenixes themselves are only native to two planets in the Galaxy that have been charted. One is Earth. The other, located in an obscure secondary orbit around the stare Flaxin 12, is currently owned by Afgncaap5. I don't know if you all are acquainted with that meddlesome little twerp. He's proved annoying to me on several occasions. I wish he were here right now, I'd crush him like a stale taco shell.

*With that, the Masque ladels generous quantities of Nitro Nirvana Sauce onto his taco and digs in.*

MMM! This is absolutely delicious!

*Every single one of the mad scientists winces when Masque mentions Afgncaap5*

Greklas-Afgncaap5??? Yes, we're all very well aquainted with him. He's beaten me to over ninety-percent of the patents I've tried to place over the past three years!

Sartasmus-He's thwarted some of my more diabolical plans in this area! He single-handedly set back my Galactic domination plans by at least a year, before making sure that nearly all of them were brought to a complete stand still!

Arithmancer-He's a moron who gained public popularity through toys and gimmicks in the branch of mathematics that any idiot out of pre-school could dream up! I mean, how hard is it to make something called "The Calcu-Gator"??? I'm the true mathematical genius!!!

Greg-He had me kicked out of Mad Science University by discovering that I had stolen my test subjects from the bio-wing! And then he ruined all of my work at Zone 428 in my mutations lab! I could've conquered the East Coast AND gained my doctorate if not for him!

Harvey-He denied my funding! He said that there's nothing to be learned from cross breeding cucumbers and stuffed animals! He wouldn't even let me work at CLI when I mailed in an application! Furthermore, he....AHA! SEE??? I'm not the only one with good taste!

*The other scientists marvel at Masque's enjoyment of the Nitro Nirvana Sauce*

Sartasmus-Well, it seems that you have taste buds of steel, Lord Masque. But that's aside from the point. The reason that the five of us joined forces and began to work from the same base of operations was so that we could capture and destroy Afgncaap5! We once managed to capture him, but he mysteriously vanished in the middle of the night! We've been trying to track him down ever since. Although there is one bit of business to deal with first, that being the business of our guests. Very important guests too, I must say.

Anyway, there is one other planet that has Phoenixes, and that would be the planet of Zork, one of the three likliest home worlds of our shared enemy, Affy. However, another method was once used there to create the Elixir Of Life. Four alchemists (General Thaddeus Kaine, Madame Sophia Hamilton, Bishop Francois Malveaux, and Dr. Erasmus Sartorius) worked for years, each specializing in a different required portion of the art. It was their belief that no one person could ever truly master every portion of Alchemy, though I personally do not believe that to be the case. In any event, their method was this: they worked to first prepare purified elements (in the order mentioned above, the alchemists respectively mastered Earth, Water, Fire, and Air). These four elements would then need to be placed in specially created chambers at the cardinal locations of an altar. Then, they would need to create purify four metals (respectively Iron, Copper, Lead, and Tin) that had to be melted and forged into the shape of the planet that each worked with (respectively Murz, Venusnz, Saturnax, and Mercurion). As this was happening, they attempted to raise a child as a perfect individual with each alchemist alternately tempering her in a different way (respectively by toying with her emotions towards another child, teaching her the music of the cosmos, instilling her with morals and values, and ensuring that she was in constant physical and mental health). They attempted to sacrifice her at a time coinciding with a solar eclipse, but were thwarted by an adventurer who learned enough alchemy to neutralize their rituals with two wedding rings from the two children (one ring of silver, the other of gold) and forging them into the symbol for infinity and hurling it onto the altar at just the right instant.

I do not believe that their research would have ended as they believed it would, however. They had the right idea, but not the proper execution.

The true difficulty in the creation of a Philosopher's Stone or an Elixir Of Life is the plethora of different methods. Some use Phoenixes as you have, others are granted the stones willingly by others who find it, others still prefer to observe the results of Philosopher's Stones and simulate the outcomes rather than create the actual stone itself, though those methods normally don't last very long.

During my early research, I quickly realized one thing: nearly everyone who quested for either The Stone or The Elixir began by looking at the quests of previous individuals, most of whom failed. I chose to work from the other direction: instead of examining the qualities necessary to create a Philosopher's Stone, I looked over the results that a qualified Philosopher's Stone would need to generate, and work backwards instead of merely creating the results artificially! I had to bend a few rules of science, I realized, but then I realized how flawed some of those rules were anyway.

Hmmmm... a very interesting technique. I shall have to see the result, after we've finished with this delicious meal.

As for Afgncaap5, you say he just disappeared? I seem to remember something along those lines being mentioned in a STUMPED bulletin recently... Seems the little Zorkling has gotten himself lost in time space. Some interdimensional being showed up, offering us some jewel or something as a reward for finding him. I think it's like a pan dimensional game show. Anyway, this FACE character also claimed he'd stolen the Krymla Leader, who happens to be STUMPED's commanding officer. Says he'll keep KL frozen until someone finds Affy. If it's someone from STUMPED, FACE returns him to us, and we get to kill Affy. If it's someone else, he releases KL somewhere else and lets him get mad at STUMPED for not trying to rescue him.

I could care less. KL knows what I do, and why I do it. He also knows how to take care of himself, or should.

Afgncaap5, well, I've had /him/ captured before. Annoying little prat, isn't he?

*The Masque chuckles a deep, hollow chuckle that suddenly gives everyone in the room an impression of just how old he is*

But your guests, your guests... one of them isn't a Blue looking fellow with a goatee and sunglasses, by any chance?

*The scientists look at each other and shrug*

Harvey-We've no idea. You see, these visitors are a joint group of certifiers from the Board for the Licensing of Super Villain Team Ups in Space, and the Bureau of Mad Sciences. These two awkwardly named organizations are here to ensure that we're both evil enough and mad enough to continue our operations.

Greklas-A formality, really. All of us are fully acreditted super villains at the Galactic level, and The Arithmancer and myself are both acreditted super villains at the Inter-Galactic level. This is just the last step in certifying that we're (1) serious villains capable of dealing with our own problems and not encroaching on the plans of other super villain organizations, and (2) mad enough in our respective science fields. The members from these two boards come from all over the Universe, with a wide variety of aliens and machines working to keep the organization running smoothly, so I suppose that it's technically possible that one or more of them could be Blue with a goatee and sunglasses.

Greg-At the moment, they're testing our lairs. A bunch of "dummy traps" that demonstrate what we're capable of without truly being a threat to them. I've programmed my mutants to only attack in beatable formations and numbers after a proper analysis of the situation.

Sartasmus-I've got a ridiculous number of zombies crawling out of the ground, guarding the entrance to my crypt, all of whom are designed to fall apart without actually damaging anyone.

Harvey-I'll probably be defending my lair myself in my battle suit, with the help of Fritz, my assistant, and Sam, my monster. I'll lower the suit's potency to about fifteen percent to make it a fair fight.

Arithmancer-My lair's been rigged with a Fibanacci Laser Printer that steadily prints more and more sheets of paper at a time. The place is designed to teleport the captives to safety as soon as they're otherwise doomed.

Greklas-And I've positioned three stealth robots and instructed them with the most dramatic, but least efficient, methods for fighting intruders.

Harvey-After they've tested our respective lairs, along with the extremely easy to placate Squid that's guarding the grounds, they'll be teleported to our dining hall here for the final verdict.

Sartasmus-It'll be overly showy with lots of redundant wordplay and melodrama, but I'm sure that as a fellow super villain and mad scientist you're used to it.

Harvey-Now then, this FACE fellow? Big floating head? Looks kinda like someone mighta started testing with reptilliabn DNA early in their life, but then discovered other paths to take that led him to be a pan-dimensional entity? I think I ran into him when I turned into the radio beams.

Greg-Not this story again....

Harvey-No, really! I was working with phase technology in my castle just outside of Khazan City when-

Scientists-"-you received a terrifying blast of gamma radiation that transformed you into pure energy, and you quickly manifested yourself into a sentient entity comprised of radio waves just to survive the ordeal."

Harvey-No, really! Just ask Fritz and Sam! They'll tell you it happened!

Greklas-No offense, Harvey, but Sam never speaks, and Fritz is always too busy tending to your projects to have a word with anyone.

*Eats more tacos, with sauce*

This sauce... what's in it?

Anyway, whatever your story, yes, that's FACE. As I understand it from various sources meaning that I can't remember if this was stated in the STUMPED thread or one of the ones Irv is in, so I leave the source vague he's the "real" version of a man called Krymla Leader, the entity who founded STUMPED.

Anyway, I ask about the gentleman with the glasses, goatee, and azure skin tone because he is an old, er... acquaintance of mine. I possessed his soul for a brief period in order to regenerate myself in this life. Had to deal with living in him at a party before I could actually get to my crypt and re-inhabit my old body. Long story.

The exprience left me with a minor psychic connection with him. Nothing usefull, except that it alerts me to his presence and him to mine. I just felt a twitch.

Nevermind. So, this board examination intregues me. What if your lair were to be penetrated by real heros while you were waiting for these evaluators to arrive?

Greklas-In the event that such a catastrophe were to occur, we would all teleport to specially designed stations at a point where we can change the security level from "dummy" to "standard." Dr. Sartasmus' zombies would all rise and prepare to either find and attack the intruders, or guard pre-stated locations. The same with Greg's mutants, except that they would be permitted to use their powers to their full extent, rather than to the level of equality that they fight at now. My robots and war machines would begin to hunt and secure the location.

Harvey-I don't have an army of robots with me (it's back at Khazan), all I have in the way of assistants are Sam (my ten-foot tall monster with the strength of twenty men, sewn in the style of Frankenstein's creation), and Fritz (my hunch-backed lab assistant who's been around the Galaxy enough to know how to handle himself in a fight). However, since they can only do so much by themselves, I've got this battle suit on. When at full strength, it can match the agility of any attacker, even a Jedi! It's got built-in robotics that effectively make me a martial arts master (along the lines of a person who would have a black belt in about ten martial arts)! But most impressively, I've coated this entire suit with what I call the Newtonian Half-Duplex Rebounder Spray. You know how any action has an equal and opposite reaction? With this spray, the reaction (such as my reaction to a punch that someone throws at me) would rebound back to them! They can't touch me without harming themselves! That, plus its flight capabilities and limited mind shield are enough to effectively grant me the ability to dish out and take attacks of nearly any level, with the possible exception of extremely powerful mental ones.

Arithmancer-I also prefer to fight for myself in such situations. Thanks to my Infinite Rise Processor, I can divide by zero! Add that power to the equation on this section of my cloak,....


a=b
a^2=ab
a^2-b^2=ab-b^2
(a+b)*(a-b)=b*(a-b)
a+b=b
b+b=b
2b=b
2=1


.....I am capable of creating duplicates of myself whenever I choose! I also carry an Infinite Run Laser (though I prefer the name "Limit Laser") capable of effectively taking a limit of a single individual or object by dividing its essence by every other version of it in every alternate reality and dimension in the Omniverse! Those hit by the ray are, therefore, reduced to being zero, a non-existant state!

Greg-Should the eventuality of such an event arise, we are prepared. However, I highly doubt that any hero would care to follow us, as we will also be shortly heading on a suicide mission of sorts.

Arithmancer-Suicide to SOME, I suppose. However, our combined knowledge of teleportation, my ability to perform math on the fly, your knack for keeping biological specimens alive under strange circumstances, Greklas' ability to create some of the sturdiest engines and hull structures in the Universe, Harvey's ability to turn normal objects into indestructable materials, and the Alchemist's ability to change some substances into others over even great distances,....all of these will make this mission a cakewalk! Even easier considering the fact that we were beamed some helpful coordinates from a person on the inside!

*There is a general nodding of heads from all around the table. However, after a few moments of silence Dr. Sartasmus turns to Masque as he picks up another taco*

Sartasmus-I'm afraid that I forgot to mention this mission to you. It's....rather dangerous, I'm afraid, even compared to some of our other missions. We're going to stage a jail-break at Andromeda Way Prison, the most difficult to escape-from prison ever constructed. Meant only for supervillains of the highest calibre, it's surrounded by several G-Force Mines capable of creating massive black holes whenever a ship is sensed near it. It'll be some tricky timing, but we can work it. And the reward will be great. Some of the technology owned by the villains there is advanced even by our standards! We also believe that we would be able to rig up some rudimentary mind control to capture and tame some of the more powerful entities there. Dr. Harvey, Greg and myself all have good experience in the field of mind control, even when it comes to the undead and demons, some of whom are reported to be held here. More importantly, however, we will gain notoriety and infamy across the Galaxy as the super villains who staged the greatest jail-break in the history of the known Universe!

Hmmmm. Interesting. I've heard of that prison before. I had a good friend, a Sith, who was to be transfered there, but someone said that he wasn't dangerous enough. I'd love to tour the facility, if you would give me the chance to observe. You /will/ have time to let me see the stone before you go, I presume.

You still haven't told me what's in the sauce.

Harvey-I can't recall the precise recipe at the moment, I'm afraid. Even if I did, the exact ratios of ingredients is something that I'm keeping a secret for now, added to the fact that the primary ingredient is a form of pepper that I bred all by myself. But if you like it, I'll be sure to have some of it sent to you.

Arithmancer-Dr. Harvey, I just have to ask: do you come up with your inventions first, or do you come up with the strange names first?

Harvey-Well, I....you know, I don't know....

Sartasmus-Anyway, Lord Masque, I'm sure that you'll have time to see my Philosopher's Stone, especially if you plan on staying long enough to look around the Andromeda Way Prison. I'm not sure how much time we have, especially since we'll be picking up some passengers who may be in a hurry. Another super villain squadron was shipped there after being arrested, and they managed to take out a good portion of the security somehow. Normally we wouldn't want to risk villains like these, but it seems that they've got similar interests. Neither group will trust the other, of course, but we'll probably do alright if we stick to swapping "war stories" and "talking shop."

Wonderfull.

*Looks at a monitor on his wrist that would be like a watch except that it doesn't have any means of displaying the time, date, or year.*

Oh, this is interesting. It appears as though some of your guests, as you have described them, have reached a crypt or tunnel system of some sort. My acquaintance is, indeed, among them. That is how I can pick them up on my wrist monitor here.

*Smiles*

Funny, I hadn't realized he was on that particular board.

*Dr. Sartasmus looks at the watch*

Sartasmus-Ah! So that's your friend. Well, the identities of the board members are kept secret, you know. Wouldn't do to have the heroes always killing what limited organizations that supervillains allot for themselves. And it does seem as if they've found my tunnel! You know, it's tricky to design a tunnel to be haunted, but I think that I finally got this version right. We'll see how they take it.

*The Masque is still looking at his watch, but more or less hiding it from view. He therefor realizes what is going on in the crypt, and decides that this would be a good time to cause a bit of a diversion. He pushes his chair a bit back from the table, and places his napkin aside.*

Well, that was quite delicious. But of course, now I must get to work. Would you mind showing me the Stone, Herr Doctor?

*Dr. Sartasmus smiles, indicating that this is a very reasonable request that he has no problems with whatsoever. However, he is prevented from speaking by a strange tone emenating from his watch. He checks it and then stands up in shock*

Sartasmus-HE'S OUT!

*The other scientists all look up*

Greklas-Trinstar escaped? How?

Sartasmus-Lemme check the visual feed....it looks like the board of mad scientists released him! But why? I included the warning about that device in the papers I sent over! "If you damage and destroy everything else, leave the containment grid alone", I said! THOSE MORONS!

Harvey-*Casually finishing off a taco* Relax, everyone. Trinstar just wants the Stone and the Eilixir. Even with both of 'em, he's not going to get out of the castle's grounds, and he can't penetrate my Dungeon, thanks to my Full Newtonian Reversal Spray. We've been planning for this for months.

Greklas-Dr. Harvey is correct. We all know what to do. I'll release my robots, Greg will release the mutants (Halo should be a match for Trinstar without the Stone and Elixir), and you can put the zombies and other undead creatures on patrol, Sartasmus. See if you can wake up the Lich while you're at it, even as early as it is in the day. Oh, and Arithmancer, be sure to turn on all of your mathematical traps, those should prove to be worth a good portion of the demon's power.

Arithmancer-It shall be done.

Harvey-I'll prepare the Dungeons. They're big enough for everyone, even if we invite the bureau teams and Mr. Masque along with us. Thanks to your food synthesizers, Greklas, we'll be able to live for years, though I estimate that the demon can be finished off in hours if we work at it.

*All of the scientists nod in agreement, and teleport away to perform their various tasks. Sartasmus stays behind*

Sartasmus-It seems as if you've caught us during a very eventful day in deed, Lord Masque. Would you prefer to join me in trying to retrive the Stone and Elixir before Trinstar, or would you prefer to simply head to the Dungeons right now?