h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Now, some time ago, as many of you may be aware, there was a 100th Lord Mike Saga adventure called Improbable Plan: 100. It was left unfinished but I feal we must complete it! So, here is what there is of it so far, it is our duty to complete it (to the bes of our ability). And if you get confused at the bit that Trendannoyer wrote i the middle with N9 just skip forward to the bit that Marian wrote (it never actually happens so you don't have to pay attention)

IMPROBABLE PLAN: 100

INT. DARK LABORATORY THAT IS VERY DARK

(This room is very dark and in the middle sits a figure who looks absolutely nothing like a cheesecake. Before him he has a piece of paper)

Figure: Plan ninety-eight; trick his Lordship into stepping in a cowpat. No no no, that's not right...
(He scribbles out the plan)

Figure: Plan ninety-nine; Confuse Steven Ford into thinking that he
is Lord Mike and equally confuse his Lordship into believing he is
Steven Ford thereby achieving... absolutely nothing! No...

(Scribbles out this idea)

Figure: Plan one hundred; Reveal my true identity, say I have a plan
and then leave it for someone to explain in the next post... Yes,
that one's good!

(The Figure throws back his cloak and reveals herself to be Lord Ike
his partner in crime Stefan Fjord appears from the shadows as well)

Stefan Fjord (Norwegian): What is Ike your problem?

Lord Ike: I have a plan! Wait!

Stefan Fjord: What for?

Lord Ike: A dramatic pause! Now if we can get a time machine?

Stefan Fjord: Like the one that Professor Watt's always bagging on
about?

Lord Ike: Exactly like a machine that Professor Watt's bagging on
about and do something evil with it?

Stefan Fjord: You mean like travel forward a hundred years, learn our
mistakes from our future selves and stop Lord Mike with evil cyborg
killing machines?

Lord Ike: No. But instead we travel the other way, back in time and
there we....

Stefan Fjord: Avert his creation by meddling in his past?

Lord Ike: No. Lord Mike always gets his pickme up when he drinks his
Morning tea.

Stefan Fjord: So we travel back in time and destroy tea before it's
created?

Lord Ike: No, we will simply spike his tea with a drop of vinegar, no
a drop of sweetener. Even he will feel cheap when he drinks it and
because he's so embarrassed by it will have no choice but to abdicate
the Boards!

Stefan Fjord: Really? Supposing he like it?

Lord Ike: Then we shall replace the semi-milk with condensed milk!

Stefan Fjord: Your plans are getting worse every time.

Lord Ike: Shut up you lowly excuse for a villainous alter ego
doppelganger of Steven Ford!

Stefan Fjord (Sobbing): There was no need to tell it how it is.

Lord Ike: Just shut up and lead the way to Professor Watt's
laboratory and his Time machine! This time Lord Mike's had his chips!
Time's up, Time to die!

Stefan Fjord: I think we get it and if we're finished with capital
pun-ishinment can we get a move on?

(Professor Watt is working at a desk somewhere before an array of
bubbling bottles.)

Watt: Eureka! I have finally perfected my greatest invention yet, now
I apply the peanut butter, the Strawberry Jam, carrots, Mayonnaise
and pop it into the mulcher!

(He takes the assorted items and dumps them in the machine, it
whirrs, chugs and hisses.)

Watt: And there we go. The ultimate slop to be used in cinemas in
replace of popcorn and sodas. A combination of savoury and sweet.
I’ll get millions for it.

(A beautiful bimbo appears.)

Bimbo: Hello Professor

Watt: Ah hello they’re my luvlie, luvie girl; for science could you
just bend down a moment?

Bimbo: Of course Professor, anything for you

Watt: Corrr!

(Just then the doorbell rings. Several times.)

Watt: Ah, that will be plumber about my toilet

(He walks to the door and opens it.)

Lord Ike: Are you Professor Watt?

Watt: Yes that's me and I believe I know why you are here

Lord Ike: Good, so let's get this over and done with.

Stefan Fjord: Just show us the gizmo and we'll leave you in pieces.

Watt: Interesting? It's upstairs, second door on the right. I would
show you myself but I have bigger things to deal with.

(He leaves them alone together.)

Lord Ike: Foolish old fool! Now quickly Stefan to business!

Stefan: At last we'll get our revenge!

(They hurry up stairs and open the door.)

Lord Ike: Incredible, absolutely incredible, now let's get to work

(A few minutes later.)

Stefan Fjord: I hate to say it but we have definitely reached rock
bottom.

Lord Ike: Be quiet Stefan, I think I've found the on switch

Stefan Fjord: Lord Ike, that's a... you get your hand down the...

Lord Ike: Be quiet, it feels a bit odd but I'm sure I've got it, Now
Lord Mike we'll see!

MEANWHILE DOWNSTAIRS

Bimbo: Ooh Professor

Watt: Ha! Ha! Corrr! Could you just pick up this pencil and this one
and this as well?

{Watts heart confused with the strain starts to palpitate, causing
him to say} Watt: I must sit down

{we then see the bimbo (named blance) reaching over the sitting down
Watt, patting his brow in a motherly fashion and saying }

Bimbo/blance: There there

{meanwhile somewhere near the time machine, two idiot like figures
argue}

OUTSIDE

{ there is something in the bushes, and no its not meline bush
either! its something sinister and silver, its a double of sylvester
McCoy with an old rolled up magazine and a 'baco-foil' fettish, he
produces a small pencil like object from his pocket and starts
fiddleing with one of the tiny knobs on it. this has the effect of
making a funny psudo radio tuning noise, until finnally we hear 2
voices those of the idiot like figures in the room with the time
machine}

Voice1 look im not telling you again i NEED you to sort out my
laptop! EVERY time i connect to the internet i have these 'pop up'
messages from apparent girls who want to meet me....im quite worn out
by it all you know.

Voice2 well im sure we could use information like that to our
advantage ... or MAYBE we already have!

{the silver foil sylvester like figure gets the impression that 'voice2' has an expression of shock and realisation on its unseen face}

[back with the bumblers beside the time machine]

Voice1 ..you mean...oh KNOW MY OWN wicked plans for ultimate
stupidity have come to this!!! all my plans for takeing revenge on a
soiled waistcoat boil down to almost every computer being infected
with adware for porn sites!!

{tinfoil can hear no noise but the silence makes him feel
that 'voice1' is crumpling to the floor.. its time for tinfoil to
act!}

{tinfoil puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles.. 'WE' cant hear
it, but it isnt long before tinfoils faithful companion dog comes
bouncing along... its called nonoxynol9}

N9 hey procrastinator, whats up ? this is a wimpy place to store a
fridge/Time manipulator

Tinfoil ssssshhhhhhh!!..BAM MY PEEF AFF FAWWEN OUP!

{Tinfoil rummages round in search of the missing PEEF(part2) and puts
them back into his gums}

Tinfoil RIGHT!, thats better... NOW is the time to act Nonoxynol9 we
havent a scriptchange to loose!

N9 what do you mean procrastinator? have we got some feendish baddies
to sort out?

{tinfoil rattles as he wrinkles in fron at the term 'baddies'...we
see him thinking}

[inside tinfoils brain we can hear him think! hes muttering to
himself about how he wishes that HE had thought of the term 'baddie']
Tinfoil no no N9 its FAAAAAR {and he wobbles on the R for effect..NOT
as some might point out BAD voice coach training!} WORSE than that!

Tinfoil we MUST stop the spread of the adware!

[back to the room with blance the bimbo]

{blance has secretly been emmiting some pherretmones(the T is ment to
sound all french there!) and that is why WATT has fallen into a mild
coma..although show me a coma thats mild and ill STILL show you a
worried family!}

{blance is looking round the room for something, its best if we give
her mor to say in case you get sick of reading the squrly braket
stuff}

bimboBlance WHERE IS it?.. its GOT to be here somewhere..mm..now if i
was a laptop where would I be?

{see it held you interest! she tosses off a few books from the
table...well she IS a bimbo!}

BB right the cultural significance of brittany spears part4...the
adapted works of sam fox..WHERE DID he get all this stuff from!!???

BB AH! there you are

{she opens the laptop and takes out a plastic 3.5inch floppy}

BB RIGHT just put that into the hole and watch it grow! soon the
world will be flocking to my wastesite...i mean WEBsite

{in a matter of several small eternitys the adware virus has been
uploaded to the lap top...well remember when YOU used to wait on
floppys to grind!}

BB OH! COME ONNNNN!!!!

OUTSIDE

{tinfoil has not been idol since we last saw him, infact hes been out
of work apart from a few voiceovers and noone idols him much
thesedays or tuesdays either!}

{he's been busy erecting a huge ladder with which to scale the side
of the building, its STUPIDLY big and reaches a good 40 feet above
the top to the house}

tinfoil right N9 up the ladder

{N9 looks at her legs for ladders in her fur}

{then looks up at the ladder at the side of the house}

N9OHHH! i see!

{she begins to climb}

tinfoil ill just stay here and hold the ladder, you tell me when you
see a toilet

[the room with a toilet/formerly the room with the 2 idiot figres,
althought they ARE here as well]

LORD IKE ok this must be the way in!.. you go first stephan

SF well i dont about that know {still you understand in a norwich
accent...wasnt it??}

SF its a dark bit and wet tooooo

{Lord Ike wonders WHY he hired this version of the mark 6 steven
Ford} [inside LI's brain we can hear him mutter the mutterings of a
manic temporal toilet manipulator...it just sounds silly and makes us
want a cup of bovril]

SF IKE...IKE!! are you comming or not?

{LI looks down to see SF's head in the bowl of the cunningly deguised
temporaltoilet machine}

LI right with you in a second

[outside the window of the temporal toilet machine]

N9 HEY! procrastinator! theres a wickid view from up here!!

tinfoil {looking up}its not bad from down here either!.. what can you
see?

N9 LEGS!??

Tinfoil SNAP

N9 what?

tinfoil NOTHNG... hold on im comming up

{tinfoil fumbles the first step and crinkles himself horribly..we
notice that pages of the magazine have moved over to his other
pocket..we also notice that they look less like magazine pages and
more like...}

N9 hey! Proc. ... the legs have gone!

(There is a blank screen for a moment.)

(Then the picture returns: Lord Ike and Stefan Fjord stand in
Professor Watt's laboratory near the Time Machine.)

(Stefan reels.)

Stefan Fjord: What was that...?

Lord Ike (his Scottish accent having returned with the picture): Ye
wee idjit! Wha' did ye do?!

Stefan: I just pressed one little button. I thought it might do
something awful to my hated cousin, so it was worth a try. But what
was all that wierd stuff that happened, Lord Ike?

Lord Ike (scratches his head): Weeeel....

Professor Watt: It was an alternative Timestream. Probably what would
be happening now of Lord Mike had never defeated the Stainless Steel
Rat.

Lord Ike: Ach, then eet ees just what Ah want!

(He jumps into the Time Machine, dragging Stefan after him.)

(The Time Machine fades out of current existence....)

INT. LABORATORY

(Inside Professor Watt's laboratory, Stefan and Lord Ike stumble out
of the Machine.)

Stefan (looking around wonderingly): Where are we?

Lord Ike: The same place we werrre beforre, ye thick'ead!

(As they stand looking around in a rather dull manner -- Lord Mike,
Sir Lance and General Ford walk in! But it is a vaguely different
Lord Mike: slightly older, and with a fancier-looking cane...)

General Ford: Wait a minute, this isn't Bombay.

Lord Mike (frowns enigmatically): Should it be?

Sir Lance: I don't see why. I seem to have missed something.
Look, it's Lord Ike and Stefan Fjord!

General Ford (beaming): Hello, my dear cousin!

(Stefan growls at him.)

Lord Mike: What are you two doing here!

Lord Ike (edging toward the Machine): Ach, noothin' at all, Lorrrd
Mike. We'rre jist droppin' by...

(He makes a dive for the Time Machine, but Lord Mike, Sir Lance and
General Ford all get in before him, for purposes of the plot.)

(Stefan Fjord starts the Machine going again.)

Lord Mike: Is it me or is this machine smaller on the inside that it
is on the outside?

Lord Ike: Aaach, nor tha would bay way to tackay furr wurds

Stefan Fjord (Still Norwegian in case you'd forgotten in all of the
excitement): It is just wider on the inside than on the outside, yes?

(They all look up and down the row in which they are standing, Stefan
is right)

Lord Mike: Ah, I see that explains it all

Sir Lance: Just out of interest do any of us know where we are going?

Lord Ike: Eh, yur Norwegian pansey, can yur check ee instruments?

(Stefan checks the tuba, the triangle and the viola before realising
that joke's been done before and checks the proper instruments)

Stefan: I have checked the instruments

Lord Mike: And?

Stefan: I don't know, I don't understand them, we only nicked the machine, we didn't build it

(There is a grating-squelching-TARDIS-rip off materialization sound.
Lord Ike flings the door open and they all step out. They are in a
grand hall with a large audience watching a row of people on the
stage. In the centre is Anthony Cledwyn Williams, to his left is a
row of three empty seats behind a desk and to his right are Georgina
Dalby, Mike Mills and Martin Penny sitting behind a desk)

Ant: Apart from the Benny Summerfield audios, name three Doctor Who
related productions that Lisa Bowermen has appeared in.

Lord Mike: I don't believe it!

Steven: Where are we?

Lord Mike: Last year’s Summer Quizz!

(Dramatic music if the organist's available)

(Lord Mike shuddered and turned away from the awful sight: the Summer
Quizzes had always been a bit nerve-wracking. And he had no interest
in reliving this one.)

Lord Mike: Come on, if I remember rightly, this Quiz gets a bit nasty
later on!

(They all jump back into the Machine, followed by Stefan and Lord
Ike.)

(Stefan starts the Machine and whacks General Ford for no discernable
reason.)

General Ford: What was that for?

Stefan (snarls): Because I hate you!

Lord Ike: Noo, noo, no need to lose ye'r temperr!

Lord Mike: Just what are you up to, you fiendish nemesis?

Lord Ike: Ah'll no tell!

Professor Watt: This is my Time Machine. These two villains stole it
about a year ago.

Lord Ike: How did ye - ?

Watt: How did I get in here? Simple. After you took my Machine I knew
you must go to the future because I hadn't seen you come back before
you took it. I've been expecting you, you see.

Stefan (suspiciously): But how did you get in? I didn't see you.

Watt: I just walked in while you were all looking at Lord Mike and
Co.

Lord Ike: Weel, Ah don't see tha' it matterrrs so much. We'll jist go
on wi' our plans.

Stefan: Yes! You can't stop us! We'll destroy you Lord Mike, and in
your 100th Story too!

(Sir Lance and General Ford are having another conversation in the
backround.)

Sir Lance: Ridiculous! It doesn't even make tea! How can you have a
Time Machine that doesn't make tea?

Lord Mike: You mean this is the 100th Lord Mike Adventure for you
two?

General Ford: Perhaps they don't like tea?

Stefan: What do you mean, for us two?

Sir Lance: I think this is a rotten Time Machine.

Lord Mike (enigmatically): Well, for Lance and Steven and I, this is
the 150th story!

Watt (turning to Sir Lance): What do you mean by that, young man?!

Lord Ike: Whaaaat!

Sir Lance: Oh, nothing important.

Lord Mike: I said, Well, for Lance and -

Watt: Then kindly keep your inane comments to yourself!

Lord Ike: Ah heerd ye, Ah heerd ye!

(Sir Lance bursts into tears.)

Lord Mike: Then why did you ask?

General Ford: Why are we carrying on two conversations at once? I'm
getting confused!

Lord Mike: Budget saver.

(There is a pause while everyone recovers from the last
conversations.)
(Then Stefan Fjord starts fiddling with the instruments [Cue:
Laughter].)

Stefan: I know what the problem is; we went into the future instead
of the past.

Lord Ike: Weel then, fix it mahn!

Stefan: All right, I am!

General Ford: No need to be impatient my dear coz.

(Stefan seethes with inward rage for a moment, then continues
directing the Machine into the Boards' past...)

INT. THE BOARDS: GENERAL

(The General Board.)

(A strange Machine materialises.)

(The Stainless Steel Rat announces his new Board-wide domination.)

(Lance Baylis Makes tea.)

(Steven Ford writes purposeless nonsense.)

(Marian von Wer does her Maths homework, wondering why she never has
any fun.)

(Matt Painter sits silently, waiting for something to do.)

(Bob McCow frets at inactivity.)

(Lissa Brideford reads a book, sighing in a bored and lonely way.)

(Martin Penny wonders what it would be like to be Emperor.)

(Richard Wilden watches 'Time Monster' and groans in agony.)

(Pamela Rae longs for a hero to restore the Boards to their rightful
glory.)

(And Michael Mills gets a stunningly brilliant idea, clicks 'Reply',
and begins his glorious Adventures.)

(The Machine disappears.)

Lord Ike: What did ye go away for?

Stefan: I got us to the right time, but it was just exactly the right
time. We need to stop it before it happens, not get there in time to
watch it!

Lord Mike: Wait a minute! That was August 26th, 2002!

Lord Ike: Yes.

Lord Mike (horrified): You're trying to defeat me before I even
become a hero! You can't change history like that!

Stefan: Can't we? Haha! General Steven Ford, my goody-two-shoes
cousin, will be only a nobody! Hahaha! Oh, revenge!

(Stefan Fjord continues to laugh, as General Ford looks hurt, and
does not notice Sir Lance moving for the control panel.)

Sir Lance: Oh look! There is a tea-making installment!

(Before anyone can stop him, he presses a button - which does not
make tea.)

(The Time Machine materialises.)

Watt: You fool! Who knows when you've landed us!

(Sir Lance looks sheepish)

Sir Lance: I only wanted to get everyone some tea.

(Lord Mike climbs out of the Machine and looks around.)

(Sir Lance and General Ford follow him out.)

General Ford: Where are we Lord Mike?

Lord Mike: I have absolutly no idea!

Voice: Who are you? And what are you doing in my room?

(They turn around, and see what is undoubtedly a slightly younger
Lady Marian. Lord Mike bows to her.)

Lord Mike: Ah, Marian!

Marian (curiously): How do you know my name?

General Ford: It must be before she met us, Lord Mike!

Lord Mike (enigmatically): Yes, I know. (To Marian) Allow me to
introduce myself. I'm Lord Mike Mills, enigmatic hero of the BBC
Doctor Who Boards.

Marian (curtseys): Pleased to meet you, Lord Mike. I'm Marian von
Wer - but then you know that already, don't you?

Lord Mike (laughs): Yes, that's right. And this is General Steven
Ford -

General Ford: Hullo!

Lord Mike: And that chap creeping into the Machine over there is Sir
Lance Baylis.

Marian: Ah. Charmed I'm sure. But what are you all doing here?

Lord Mike: Well, you see, that's rather a long story...

(Just then there is a noise form inside the Machine, presumably
emanating from Sir Lance. The Machine starts to fade from sight.)

Lord Mike: Quick, the villains are leaving without us!

(Lord Mike and General Ford leap into the Machine, and, on impulse,
Marian follows them, getting in just before the Machine leaves
completely.)

INT. TIME MACHINE

Watt: Now look, this is just getting stupid

Lord Mike: I am afraid it got stupid a long time ago Professor

Lord Ike: Wherre did yee take us tha time yee Norrwegiahn sissy boy?

Stefan Fjord (sheepishly): In Lady Marian's bedroom

Lord Ike: Ca yee nay land us correctlee?

Stefan Fjord: Oh no, I landed us smack on target last time

(Marian slaps Stefan across the face)

The scene is the General Board again, on the 28th of June, 2003, and Lord Mike is celebrating his 100th story.

(It is about 45 minutes after closing time, and Princess Lissa has just arrived at his Lordship's party, only to find everyone gone.)
Princess Lissa: Why am I always late for these things?

(Suddenly, a Time Machine materialises right in front of her.)
Princess Lissa: Why, that's odd. I wonder what that is doing here.

(Curious, she opens the door and steps inside. In another moment, the Time Machine has vanished again, with her inside.)

Int The Time machine!

Lissa steps in.

Lissa: Oh, I see how it is! You tell me there's a party and when I arrive everyone hides in the time vorex!

Lord Ike: Aye, Ee toold yeh to heet the sweetch, beforrre the wee lassy got on!

Stefen Fjord: I am being sorry, but the button's being stuck!

Lord Ike: Being Stoock!? Being stoock!? Use tha utter bootton yer barmy leetle marhn!

Watt: No not that button!

Lord Ike: Shoosh eet ya ooverrr brarned mooonkee!

THe time machine pulls, a probably copyrighted, dematerialisation.

Lord Mike: Shouldn't it be copywrote?

(Psst, we did that gag once already and it was sad when we did it then)

Lord Mike: Oh, right.

THe time machine lands.

Everyone tumbles out.

Ext. The boards, err, this isn't the boards.

Lord Mike: THis is'nt the boards!

Watt: Quickly, back in the time machine!

Suddenly a giant Anorrak, with the words twenty first Century on it, attacks!

Lance: What kind of place is this!?

Steven: I don't know but it kind of reminds you of Jurassic park!

Lord Mike and Lissa are attempting to scare it off using rocks and Mike's cane!

Lord Ike: Wee shood leave 'em 'ere

Stefen Fjord: Where's being here?

Professor Watt: It's the Outpost Gallifrey boards!

Anorak: The Warriors of Death? So presumably there are warriors of just giving you a nasty rash? Doctor Who and the Warriors of annoying you quite a bit but not actually harming you if you don’t mind. What next, Doctor Who and the postmen of delivering letters? Doctor Who and the lying politician? Doctor Who and the Deadly Assas… oh.

Lord Mike: I can't even stand that totally unfunny irony!!!

Lance catches the two villains sneaking back into the time machine.

Lance: Hey, my tea maker's getting away!

Everyone notices as the time machine fades away!

Int. Time Machine

Lord Mike: Lucky we got inside in time

Lance: But, we were outside and Ike and Stefen escaped in the time machine, leaving us outside. Surely?

Lord Mike: No, if we were outside we couldn't be in here could we?

(Lance thinks about this)

Lance's Brain: Can't... take... the strain! Please... stop... thinking...

(Lance stops thinking, conceding that his Lordship's probably got it right)

Marian: Ahem

Steven: Did you cough your Ladyship?

Lord Ike: O cours shee deed yeh wee Sasanac!

Lance: Quack!

(They all stare at Lance)

Stefen: He is being the idiot?

Lord Mike: Of course he is, he's Lance, being an idiot's all he knows

Watt: I can't believe this!

Lance: I know how do they suspend those little bits of fruit in the jello?

Lissa: THis isn't the time for jello!

LAnce: Yes, but the mystery is still there! No matter how much the government tries to cover up the fact that there isn't strings in it; they still never be able to stop the mystery!

Watt: (trying to ignore LAnce) WHy don't we just over power them?!

Steven: Because that would the easy way out and Lord Mike isn't an easy man!

Lord Mike: Oh, I don't know about that..

Stefen slaps him.

Lord Mike: I'm not that way inclined!

Marian slaps him.

Lord Mike: That's better!

Lord Mike, Steven, Lance, and Watt all attack the two villains! The time machine lurches heavily right even though every one falls left!

Lord Ike: Look at what yoo've doone!

THe time machine hurtles towards the future. It finally comes to rest in the year 25000.

Ext. The Boards

(The Time Machine is lying on its side against a large chunk of masonry. Slowly the door creaks open and the occupants jump out. The area around them is desolate and wartorn. There are craters, ruins, barbed wire, trenches and various other stereotypical war things. Think the opening of the War Games but in colour)

Jamie: Och, what a place

(No, the setting, not the characters!)

Lord Ike: Och, what a place

(That's better!)

Lissa: Where are we?

Lance: It looks like Ipswich

Lord Mike (Who is crouching down, examining a scrap of papaer): No, this isn't Ipswich Lance, this is (dramatic pause)... (No, you can say your line now!) Oh, right... this is... the Boards!

(Dramatic sting of incidental music)

Watt: Ow! I just got stung by some incidental music

Voice (from inside a nearby crater): Groan... please help...

Stefen: We now leave?

Voice: Help...

Lord Mike: Well there's no place to be hanging around here

Voice (fed up): Oi! Help!

Lady Marian: I think there's someone alive around here

Lord Mike: Really? I can't hear anything

(Lady Marian leads them over to the crater. Inside is a figure in tattered militiary fatigue)

Lance: It's Steven!

Steven: I know, you left the boards, the Trolls attacked, Cook McCow created the Galeks

Lance: How are you still alive after twenty-three thousand years?

Lord Mike: Dramatic license

Future Steven(FSteven) climbs out of the crater.

FSteven: No, actually it's ferret stew.

Lord Mike: WHat?

FSteven starts to explain a roller caption script starts to roll over the screen think Deadly Assassin/Star Wars.

Tom Baker:'Through the millennia, the Time Lords of Gallifrey led a life of ordered calm, protected against all threats from lesser civilisations by their great power. But this......

Lord Mike: Sorry old chap, but we've already done this gag.

Tom Baker: Oh, ok, but I was contracted to do a roller caption voice over!

FSteven: But I want to explain!

Lord Mike: Shush it!

Tom Baker: (roller script voice over) In the year 2193 the Ferret Civil Wars started in America. A group of fanatical ferrets ganed political power and forced Wyoming to break away from the Union! After the war ended the ferrets traded technology with the Americans and we got ferret stew a mystical drink that makes people forever young. Suffice it to say Dick Clark is still puttering around doing American Bandstand cameos, but that's for another adventure.....

Tom Baker leaves!

Lord Mike: Is this ferret wars what has caused this, (does a panoramic turn using his arm)

FSteven: No, didn't you listen, it's the Galeks! THey escaped Bob McCook's munipulation! They started garnishing people it's horrible! Tempus tried to stop them, taking over for you, but he, well, he sort of isn't living any more.

Steven: I don't like it here; it stinks of garlic bread!

FSteven: THe Galek patrol if they find this time machine they'll....

Galek1: You are not in your dormitory!!! You are in deliquence of curfew! Do not move! Do not move! DO NOT MOVE!

Multiple Galeks: DO NOT MOVE! DO NOT MOVE!

Lord Mike: Run for the time machine! Future Steven Come on!

FSteven: I can't! It would muddy the time streams.

FSteven starts to, heroically, throw rocks at the Galeks to distract them as the others enter the time machine.

Multiple Galeks: You will stop this! You will obey!

FSteven: No, I won't!

Multple Galeks: Garnishate! Garnishate! GARNISHATE!

The galeks fire some sort of pod things and FSteven collapses from the horrible smell!

Satisfied the Galeks chumbly away in an identity crisis. Steven (as Future Steven will now be called as there is no present Steven for him to be subjectively future too, plus this Lord Mike and Lance are from the future and we don't call them Future Lord Mike and Future Lance do we? I mean...)

.

.

.

(We apologise for the brake in narration. You now have a new narrator. The door to the time machine opens again and Lord Mike sticks his head out)

Lord Mike: Oi Steven!

(The lightly seasoned Steven gets up and looks over at him)

Lord Mike: Get inside the time machine

Steven: But I shall muddy the time lines!

Lord Mike: No you won't, me and Lance are form the near future and Marian's from the past what more damage can this do to the fabric of time?

Steve: True

(He follows his Lordship into the time machine and it departs)

As Steven enters though, the capital 'F' returns to the front of his name because now there is a past for him to be the future to.

Stefen Fjord: Now's my chance!

(he attacks his cousin and his future!)

Steen Fordj: No!!!!

SteFvan Ford: You mean you haven't gotten rid of him yet?!

Lord Mike: No, I thought you should know that, since you're from the future!

Stefven Ford: Or is he?

Steen: Great calorimeters, their names are almost identical! How are we going to straighten this out!

LAnce: (guessing incorrectly) With a steam roller?

Lissa hits Lance as Mike is busy working on the problem.

Marian: Couldn't we ask them something only one of them would know?

Everyone looks at her and smirks.

Watt: You really haven't met Steven or Stefan have you?

Lord Ike: Ach, Ee 'aven't 'ad a leene for a wheel, when cana speak?

Lord Mike: You just did!

Lord Ike: Aye, Ee wasn't askin' yoo, yeh pansy mahn!


Suddenly something unexpected happened!

A wet kipper brakes a hole in the space-time continuum and lands on the controls. They fizzle and spark before exploding.

Everyone: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!

The screen whites out. When it clears Lord Ike, Stefen Fjord (with his name back to normal), Watt and Lissa are sitting in the centre of a field. Their clothes and ahir are burnt and sindged.

Lissa: What just happened?

Watt: If my calculations are correct the Kipper fused the time machine's Oscillating Oscillator's Oscillator circuit thereby ripping the time craft apart and flinging everyone back to their correct time zones

Lord Ike: Eh plor corp ou yeh mean?

Watt: Pretty much yes

Stefen Fjord: So in a field we are now, yes?

Lissa: It would seem so

Watt: Yes, and Lord Mike, Steven and Lance are back fifty adventures into the future, the other Steven is back twenty-two thousand years into the future-

Lissa: Twenty-three

Watt (living up to his name): What?

Lissa: Before Lord Mike said he came from twenty-three thousand years inot the future

Watt: Continuity error. Anywho, and Marian is back one year into the past

Lord Ike: Soo it arl fixed eetselv in ther eend?

Stefen Fjord: Yes, it did, yes?

Watt: Is that right?

Stefen Fjord: Yes, yes?

Lissa: But your plan still followed

Lord Ike: Aye, but t be perfictly onest I canee rememba wo it was in thergh firs place

Stefen Fjord: Neither can I

Watt: Oh well, say la vee

Lissa: La vee

Watt: Thank you

THE END

A nice way to end an adventure that was going nowhere and nowhen at a remarkable pace. Frankly it could've went on forever! Well, now to finish off Murder!. How many adventures is this now?

A nice way to end an adventure that was going nowhere and nowhen at a remarkable pace. Frankly it could've went on forever! Well, now to finish off Murder!. How many adventures is this now?

One hundred and twenty-three

THat is a lot and to think it's only been going on for a year!

Indeed, the first anniversary's only a fortnight away. Alas, I will not be available on the actual day as I will be in France