h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Int. outside of the Dailyness' safe.]

Lord Mike: So, Steven, this is what you do when I'm not around, eh?

Steven: (guiltily) No, usually I'm dressed in a tutu when you're not around.

Lord Mike: (odd look) I, um, see.

Steven: What?! (looks down) Oh, drat I've forgotten to change again!

Lord Mike: Anyways did you give my thanks to the editor for using his safe while mine's at Darcy's Safe Emporium and Repair.

Steven: Darcy's Safe Emporeum and Repair?

Mr. Darcy walks as the friendly cue music starts.

Mr. Darcy: Yes, Darcy's Safe Emporeum and Repair, located on scenic Refuse Drive opposite the theives' guild headquarters. Just remember our motto: If our safes aren't safe then we hope you have property insurance!

Cue music plays and Mr. Darcy walks off screen.

Lord Mike: Well, Steven, open the safe.

Steven: What!?

Lord Mike: Open the safe!

Steven: I-I can't!

Lord Mike: Yes, you can! I saw you put a package into it! Now, open it!

Steven: I'm not authorised for safe extraction.

Lord Mike: (angry) This is the most horrendous chunk of clap trap I've ever experienced!

Steven: (Looking at the newapaper in his hands) You've read today's Dailyness; haven't you?

Lord Mike: No, I'm talking about you, you prattling prattler!

Steven: (slightly affronted, well he would've been if he actually knew what affronted was) Oh yeah! Well-well, I'll tell you something; you're-you're, ah-ah, you're a something! Yeah, that's right; you're a something!

Lord Mike: (angrily rolling eyes) That was the most pathetic insult I've ever had the misfortune of hearing! Now, who'd have the (bunny fingers) authority (bunny fingers) to open this thing?!

Steven: Do I look like an answer man?

Lord Mike: You're right let's get to the editor's office!

[Int. corridors]

Lord Mike and Steven are rushing to the editor's office.

Steven: So, what's in the safe?

Lord Mike: (smiling) It's a matter of interboardal security! I can't tell the media.

Steven: I'm not the media; I'm just on the tour.

Lord Mike: Oh well, in the that case. (double takes) What?! How'd you know the combination!?

Steven: Everyone knows the combination; it's in the paper!

Lord Mike deadpans

Lord Mike: (gritting teeth) Back...To...The...Safe!

They return to the safe.

Lord Mike: Give me your paper, Steven!

Steven: (pleasantly) What's the magic word?

Lord Mike snatches the paper from Steven, rolls it up and hits Steven with it. He finds the combination and opens the safe.

Lord Mike: (agonisedly surprised) It-it's not here!

Steven: What's not?

Lord Mike: The Sphere of Enigmacy! It's the ultimate weapon, if it ever fell into the wrong hands it could be a bit uncomfortable!

Steven: I'm sure you're over-exaggerating; hey, a letter.

Lord Mike snatches the letter.

Lord Mike: (reading, which magically pulls us out of script and into letter form)

Dear Lord Mike,

Have you lost something? Well, I've found it and am prepared to twist it to my evil will! Mwahahahaha!!!

Your's truly,
Septum

(magic return to script and Lord Mike strikes an Adam West getting ready for action pose) Quickly, Rob-er-Steven, to the Millsmobile.

[We're going to have a quick Ext. so don't blink!]

[Int. Millsmobile]

(What!? I told you not to blink! Well, we're not doing it again!)

Steven: Shouldn't we get Lance.

Lord Mike: Preferably no, we should really do an adventure like teh old times, you know just you and me.

Steven: You mean you, Matt and me.

Lord Mike: Sorry, no Matt, not this time.

Steven: No matter, here comes Lance!

Sir Lance: (walking down the street with a jelly doughnut) Hi guys, what are you guys doing here?

Steven: We're on another rip roaring adventure full of rapture and whimsey! Get in!

Lance gets in. Mike's head is laying on the horn.

Lance: So, where are we off to?

Lord Mike: (exasperatingly starting car) The Redwall Inn.

Lance: (astonished) That's a communist inn!

Lord Mike: You blinked, didn't you?

Lance: What?

Lord Mike: You missed the entire exterior scene where I explained to Steven that Septum was a clever anagram (which is actually a letter switch; I believe an anagram is more like N.A.S.A.) for Tempus, and the fact that it started with 'S' corresponds with Stalin the communist dictator, which has led me to the Redwall Inn the communist hotel.

Lance: Holy Cashews! It makes vague sense!

Steven: That's what I said! Well, except for the cashews bit and the bit with the 'makes sense'; actually I didn't say anything close to what you said. I just wanted to relate to someone because, it seems, I blinked as well.

The Millsmobile starts off.

[Int Redwall hotel]

(Now pay attention this could be important; more than likely not, but you never know)

Tempus is standing in the bar, cackling, as Emperor Martin is drinking a V-8.

Tempus: It's mine; all mine! The Sphere of Enigmacy is mine and no one can take it!

Emperor Martin: So what are you going to do with it?

Tempus: I've used it to devise my new device, the Deletor!

Emperor Martin: You mean Deleter.

Tempus: No, I mean Deletor. It's more dramatic if you have an 'or' on the end of your weapons!

Emperor Martin: Really?

Tempus: Yes, you dribbling fool, it is!

Emperor Martin: (looking down at his shirt front) Oh, bramblejuice! It's right down my front!

Suddenly a cliffhanger appeared!

How am I doing so far?

(I'm afraid that I will need to make a retraction. The last episode had a remark that Septum was not a anagram of Tempus and them went further to establish that an anagram was comparable to NASA, when,in fact, Septum is an anagram of Tempus and NASA is an acronym so both the author and myself wish to give the sincerest apology to all those who were confused by these false accusations.)

Lord Mike: It's nice to have a narrator that can admit when it's wrong, isn't it?

Steven: It sure is.

Lord Mike: (looking at Steven) take that tutu off!

Steven: But it's so comfortable!

Lord Mike: Steven!

They walk off screen bickering.

Anyway back to the adventure at hand or foot if you're a monkey. So where were we, ah yes, the cliffhanger came down from the roof followed by two others. Tempus turns to talk to the bartender a communist pamphlet peddler.

Emperor Martin: (wiping the V-8 from his shirt front) Oh, hello, who are you?

1 cliffhanger: I'm Mr. Mikial Millsky and my friends Stefano Fordovokov and Lonce Baylisinsky! Vwe are, how do you say, umm, spelunkers?

Emperor Martin nods approvingly as he orders three more V-8s for his new friends.

Emperor Martin: This is my friend Tempus von Corruptus. Tempus, I've made some new friends.

Tempus turns around and his jaw drops.

Tempus: (pointing at Millsky) You! How dare you try such a cheap and shallow trick against me!

Emperor Martin: What are you talking about!?

Tempus: It's Mills you nitwit! And his blundering twits, Lance and Steven!

Our heroes remove their beards and well that was it actually and reveal their identities.

Emperor MArtin: Great Wildthyme! It is Mills and the other two, and to think I was going to buy you a V-8!

Tempus reaches into his duster and pulls out the Deletor.

Lance: Don't you mean...

(We've already covered that.)

Lance: Oh, sorry.

Tempus pulls the trigger as the Deletor beam shoots towards our heroes; Lord Mike grabs a glass mug and throws it at the beam. It hits at the edge of the mug refracting the beam away from our heroes and off screen and it hits, oh my............

Lord Mike: I...can't...move...I...can't...even....utilise...my...Shatner...talk...effectively....

LAnce: What's going on?

Steven: I can't even piroette in my tutu!

Lord Mike: You villain, you've erased the narrator!

Tempus: Quite. Now you must excuse me while I dubiously escape.

Lord Mike: I'm trying to snigger, ok, you're trapped just like us.

Tempus: Oh, contrare dear Mills. Gary Coleman, it's time for you to make your keep!

Gary: Whatch you talkin' 'bout Wilden!?

Tempus: Narrate you disgruntled munchkin!

Tempus turns and grabs the remote and turns back to Mills!

Tempus: And to add injury to insult. (turns on the T.V. and a recording of the narrator.) The unstoppable force of the, Mwahaha, Hamster Dance! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Emperor Martin grabs Tempus and Coleman and disappears in a puff of smoke!

Recording: The Hamster Dance plays, and plays, and plays, ect....

Lance: I can't stand it! I will not hum.. Doodoodoo, dahdoodoo, doodoodoodahdoooo, laddydidididoodlydoodlydoo,

Lord Mike: Don't worry I've got a secret weapon, Sylvester.

Lorrrd Mike using a combination of turrrpentine and fish eggs builds a superrr acid and destrrroys the television.

Steven: It's Sylvester McCoy! How'd you..

Lord Mike: Don't ask; it's aquestion best not answered. (getting back into charrracterrr) Now we must find Tempus and regain the Sphere of Enigmacy before he does anymore damage. Quickly to the Millsmobile!

Ourrr herrroes rrrrush off to the Millsmobile!

They rrreach the Millsmobile and as Lorrd Mike rreaches for the keys a young lass happens by.

Lass: Hello, I'm Dame Dorothy!

Lord Mike: (slightly off guarrrd) Oh, hello, what are you doing here?

Dame Dorothy: I'm going to be your teenage assistant that will raise your ratings for the younger audience.

Lord Mike: But you're twenty-five.

Dame Dorothy: (slightly embarrrrrrrassed) I am seventeen!

Lord Mike: No you're not, you're obviously twenty-five, let me see your license!

Dame Dorothy: (defensively) I do-don't have to prove myself to you!

Lord Mike: (looking off camerrra) Super Bufanda! Tell me you didn't cast this girl.

Superrr Bufanda walks on scrrreen.

Super Bufanda: (averrrting eyes) Ummmm, well.

Lord Mike: (Thorrroughly disgusted) First the cliched cameo appearances and now the obviously miscast persons this is becoming the death throws of Doctor Who!

Super Bufanda: So!

Lord Mike: Well, if you continue being the author I'm quitting!

Super Bufanda: Fine I'll sign off on this let me get Mike Zigrosi!

Mike and Superrrr Bufanda returrrrrn and Superrr Bufanda does a double take.

Super Bufanda: are you two brothers?

The Mikes: No why?

Zigrosi: So what's the problem?

Lord Mike: If Bufanda continues on this course he'll run this saga into the ground! I quit if he continues to work on it unrestrictively.

Steven: If Mike's quitting I'm quitting and so there!

Lord Mike, Super Bufanda and Zigrosi: Did we ask you?

Steven: Umm, no.

THey ignorrre him.

Zigrosi: Well, I'm not stopping my presses to finish this story!

Lord Mike: Well, I quit then.

Steven: Me too!

Lance: (using drrream vision) I can se it now "The New Adventures of Lord Mike" starring solely Lance Bayliss.

Tempus: (coming from somewhere over there) If I have to be thwarted by Lance I will walk and I don't mean on a treadmill!

Emperor Martin: This is just predictable. As soon as we start hitting our target everyone ups and leaves and the saga'll get cancelled!

Zigrosi: Now, now, no one is getting cancelled. I'm sure someone will pick us up. Maybe.

Suddenly Gary Coleman turns into David Suche the famous actor who played Hercule Poirot.

Suche: Allo, thiz iz my do ing and I would like to say that I will now take over the narration duties.

Sylvester McCoy: No way, Frrrenchy, this is my gig!

Strikingly familiar voice: He unsheathes his question marked umbrella.
Suche grabs his Poirot cane and they begin sword fighting.

Strikingly familiar voice: Is this the end of the saga? With the stars ready to walk if significant authoritarian changes aren't made and the narrators duking it out with canes and cane-like objects we may end it right here! Find out if we're going to be back in our next surprising post, possibly.

Strikingly familiar voice: After the events of the last post the constabulary were called and Sylvester McCoy and David Suche were arrested. The magistrate found them guilty of assault through them in jail. I was awarded the narratorship.

Int. The Millsmobile

Lord Mike and company are driving over a cobblestone street in Yorkshire.

Steven: How'd we get to Yorkshire?

Lord Mike: Tempus' Deletor device is causing distortions in space time. (puts down a script like catalog) And so that's how we got from there to here!

Steven: I see. (he didn't) But why Yorkshire?

Lord Mike: Would you rather be in Liverpool's Beatles museum?

Steven: There are worse places than Liverpool.

Lord Mike: Like where?

Steven: Oh, I don't know, umm, how about Bexhille by the Sea?

LAnce: Holy Sweaters! It's a herd of disgruntled sheep!!

Suddenly the Millsmobile starts to shake and correspondingly Baah distressedly. The Millsmobile spins out of control.

Lord Mike: (needlessly) We're out of control!

The Millsmobile crashes against a stone wall.

Our heroes get out and look around only to find three seniors laying on the grass on the other side of the wall.

Oldman1: Would you look at that, Clegg, a dandy, a foul, and an idiot.

Steven: (outraged) Lance and Mike might be a foul and an idiot but I'm not a dandy!

Mike punches Steven.

Lord Mike: (turning to the seniors) Have you seen this person. (unrolls a picture of Tempus von Corruptus that was from a dubious office party) He is wanted in four boards...

Steven: Why is he wanted I though the was hated?

Lord Mike hits Steven for the second time in six lines.

Clegg: I don't know; we don't associate with known criminals they're so, villainous.

oldman2: I'm Truly of the yard so anyone who's wanted better watch out for me.

Lance: That is if you were Truly of the yard.

Lance jumps the seniors and tries to pull off their faces.

Lance: I know who you really are you're Tempus, Martin and someone else.

Lord Mike struggles to pull Lance off the old men.

Tempus: (who'd been hiding behind a bush with an old man and a woman.)
Lord Mike I believe it is time to meet your climax!!!

Emperor Martin: (pulling Tempus' duster) Umm, I don't think so!

Tempus: Why's that?

Emperor Martin: Because we're on the wrong side of the wall!

Tempus: Nonsense, if we're on the wrong side of the wall then who am I talking to?

Emperor Martin: Umm, a sheep.

Da, Da, Daaaaaaa!!

The sheep looks at him in an enigmatic way as the cliffhanger quickly approaches like a steam roller that has been on film that plays at four times normal speed! Then suddenly the cliffhanger jumps out from behind a bush!

(What? Oh, sorry.)

The previously referred to cliffhanger was, in fact, niether a cliff nor a hanger, it was, however, Jojo the Monkey. So here's the real Cliffhanger.

Lance: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Tempus: Mwahahahahahahahaha!

Sheep: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Lord Mike: I didn't know you could do that with a sheep!

Steven: You can, but you'll in a chiropracter for the rest of your life.

Jojo punches Steven cliffhangerishly.

The sheep galloped off, Baahing grumpily. Lance, with disheveled hair, dazedly stood up.

Lord Mike: (pointing quite disapprovingly) Tempus, that was quite uncalled for. I don't care if you harm Lance, but you shouldn't have brought that innocent sheep into the mix!

Tempus: Mwahahahahaha! You have to admit though that it was quite humorous when it and Lance fell into the mud puddle.

Lord Mike: Well, that was qutie funny, but that is not the point, your villainous acts of villainy are unexceptable and I will have to thwart you!!

Tempus: (pulling out his Deletor) No you aren't, M'Lord.

He pulls the trigger, but instead of deleting everyone, it released, quite surprisingly, the narrator.

(thank you Matt)

Matt suddenly jumps Tempus from behind, but Matt is hit.

Lord Mike: Captain Painter!!!!!!!

MAtt PAinter: No worries, Mike. It's not so bad.

Matt closes his eyes serenely.

Lord Mike: Teeemmmpppuusss, You.... Willl.... Pay!!!!!!

Steven: But only in Euros!!

Lord Mike hit Steven in the shoulder.

Lance: He's getting away! (points) Oh no the Carrots are coming, the Carrots are Coming!

Lord Mike looks at where Lance is pointing and sees that they weren't carrots but rutabbaggas and they rolling quite harmlessly in the opp9osite direction.

As the ruttabaggas rolled harmlessly into the sunset, the scene's definite feeling of peace and serenity was shattered by Sir Lance as he hiccupped quite loudly.

Lance: Sor(hic)ry I (hic) did(hic)n't mean (hic) to (hic) break (hic) this (hic) scene's (hic) peace(hic)ful(hic)ness.

Lord Mike flipped a catch on his cane and spritzered Lance in the face ending the hiccups.

Steven: Shouldn't we be catching Tempus?

Lord Mike: (jumping to his feet which was awkward because he was standing, but Steven helped him to his feet after he fell) You're right Steven we must stop him from unleashing mayhem and chaos through the world.

Steven: (tapping Lord Mike's sulkingly enigmatic shoulder) We're a bit late for that.

Steven points to a teenager with spiky green hair and a black shirt on that had "Mayhem" written on it.

Lance: And look.

The camera pans to a large cow chewing on some grass.

Lance: No, over there!

THe camera pans again to an overweight middle age man with no hair or shirt, but did has "Chaos" spray painted to his chest. Lord Mike shivered, but not in a cold drafty way but more in a saw an overweight middle aged man without shirt; but instead has "Chaos" spray painted on his chest, sort of way. It was really comparable to seeing your grandmother's feet at extremely close range.

Lord Mike: We must fing Tempus before it's far too late and that Chaos guy gets into town!

Steven: fing?

Lord Mike: I'm allowed a couple of mistakes, right, I mean you didn't capitalise your sentence!

Steven: Sorry. Fing?

Lord Mike: (narrowing his eyes) Don't start yaffling to me!

Steven: I am not making the sound of a Green Woodpecker!

Lance: To right! They make more of a hyena-ish sound.

He tries to make the sound but ends up attracting about of lonely cattle.

Steven: did you.. (Mike eyes him dangerously) What? Oh! Did you notice we haven't seen Tempus this whole thread?

Lord Mike: To the Millsmobile!!!

Ext. Yorkshire countryside

Mike, LAnce, and Steven are running up a hill.

Lance: But we have seen Tempus in this thread!

Steven: I'm sorry did I say thread I meant post. This thread is getting discombobulating!

Lance: Did you mean thread this time!

Steven: Umm, (doing the act of self checking) yes.

Lord Mike who was ignoring suddenly looks up.

Lord Mike: (pointing) Look, in the sky!

Lance: (looking) Holy cheese sticks! Steven look in the sky!

Steven: It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a....

Lance: Not Superman.

Lord Mike: I'm thinking it's a large, multi-colored blimp purchased from the long defunct cult the Color Wheel of the Gods! It's now being used by Tempus in all of his corruptiveness!

They reach the Millsmobile. Lord Mike throws the keys at Lance who didn't catch them and they spent an hour searching for them!

Steven: Found them! (looking) Oh, wait, no, it's only a piece of tinfoil!

Lord Mike: Steven, we found the keys an hour ago!

Lord Mike hands the keys to Lance and climbs up onto the hood.

Lord Mike: LAnce, drive for the blimp and I'll catch it with my novelty mountaineering cane!

Steven: Why can't I drive?

Lord Mike: Umm, because you drive like an orangatan.

LAnce: Is this going to work?

Steven: (grumblingly) If LAnce drives, probably not.

THe Millsmobile sputters off jerkily chasing the blimp.

Int. the bridge of the blimp.

Tempus and Emperor MArtin are watching out the window, the Deletor is now attached to a giant gun.

Tempus: THere it is, Castle Raeskull off the starboard bow!

Martin and the camera turn to look out, what they thought was the starboard window and the camera settles on flock of disgruntled sheep attacking a disgruntled postman who in turn is jumping over a disgruntled wall, who, well, you get the idea.

Tempus: The starboard window is on the other side!

the camera man and Martin go to the other window and we see Castle Raeskull!

Emperor Martin: We're going to try and take the castle again?

Tempus: No, we're deleting it from Boarddom!!! Mwahahahahahaha!!

Enigmatic voice: Not this time Tempus!

The villains turn and our hero steps out, enigmatically of course, from the obvious boom-mike.

Tempus: (hissing venomously) Millsssss!

Mills: (pointing) Look out! It's a pointy statuey thing.

Tempus turns to see the approaching statue portraying the efforts to end the deathes caused by pin-cushion accidents and swerves missing it.

Lord Mike: (derisively) Do you know how much this blimp cost us!

Tempus: (smirkishly) Not as much as Castle Raeskull! Martin, press the button!

As Martin goes to press the button he trips, Stevenishly, and knocks the Sphere of Enigmacy out of its socket.

Tempus: You awkward ox!

Martin retrieves the Sphere and stands up.

Emperor MArtin: Uh-oh, Another statue!

Tempus swerves but it hits the cabin and the blimp starts spinning uncontrollably.

Tempus: Take the Sphere, Martin, I'll take care of Mills!

Tempus pulls a laser gun from his duster and starts shooting at our hero! Martin disappears in a poof of smoke.

Mike dives behind a pile of convenient piles.

Lord Mike: It's over, Tempus, give up!

Tempus: (very dramatic) It's never over Mills! If I'm going down; I'll take you with me!

Lord Mike: Oh, come on, we're going to miss tea time! Just surrender!

Tempus fires a barrage of lasers at Mike.

Lord Mike: That's a no to my offer of surrender right?

A second more prolific barrage of lasers!

Tempus: With the Sphere I'll crush every bit of resistance in the boards, not even the Moderators will stop me!

Mike: But Martin has the Sphere.

Tempus, angry at this obvious plot hole, starts firing maniacally.

Lord Mike flips a catch on his cane and a novelty side-view mirror extends out and reflects one of the laser beams at Tempus.

Tempus: Nooooooo!!!!

Tempus is hit and goes through the window.

Lord Mike: See, kids, what happens when you don't where your safety belt!

Lord Mike quickly leaves the way he came.

*****

Ext. next to the Millsmobile.

LAnce and Steven are having tea on a large blanket. Mike enigmatically climbs over the stone wall joining his companions.

Lord Mike: Well, Tempus is thwarted, but Martin, I'm afraid, got away with the Sphere.

Lance: You mean this sphere.

Lance produces the Sphere of Enigmacy out of his picnic basket.

Lord Mike: How'd you, What the.. When did.. Why is... Where did..

Steven: Well, Martin appeared here in a poof of smoke and said that he was really thirsty, and we only had enough drinks for the three of us so Lance said he'd sell Martin a cup of tea.

Lance and Steven continued to convey the story which at one point included the two of them juggling flaming pickles.

Lance: (now twirling a thoroughly displeased badger on his nose) And then he gave me the Sphere and I gave him the cup and then you appeared.

Lord Mike: Well, that was, err, interesting.

Steven: And you know that if you had told me at the beginning of this thread that I would be balancing on the nose of a chartruse iguana as it tried to pedal an unicycle I'd have probably told you, that you were sneaking looks at my ballet classes, and then this all happened.

Lord Mike: Well, let's get this thing back to Castle Raeskull.

As they walk back to the Millsmobile the badger finally falls and attacks Lance. The other two slowly but surely get Lance into the Millsmobile and drive off into the sunset which had fortunately waited for the end of the story to finish, umm, sunsetting.

****

Ext. Yorkshire, night in a flock of sheep!

Tempus is slowly climbing to his feet.

Tempus: Mills you think I've been thwarted, eh, well just you wait. I'll get my revenge! These sheep spared me, and now they will be my new minions! I will rule the boards and you, Mills, will know the meaning of pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!!!! Mwahahahahahahahah!

Das iz zee end

I think that as with In the Light of Darkness I'll ask for some comments of this work!

I thought it was good. I liked the way you did me

I think this was a good story as well, not out of self agrandizement, because In the Light of Darkness, my first authored saga story, bit the dust. It got a tad serious and when I tried to lighten it up it seemed to only make the story worse and then I re-cast the Voice from Aquaman to Clive Andersen, a bad choice, even though Aquaman would've had a better motivation.

The newest story Rats Ahoy is doing wonderfully, over twenty posts, you should contribute before it concludes, which could be soon a few posts probably, especially now that Steven's taking a trip or something. Nice to talk to you Raspy, err, Martin.