h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I work as a nurse in a very stressful and busy cardiology ward. If I won the lottery I would stay on for my two weeks notice and have oodles of fun!

When my charge nurse cam up to me and said: "Paul, you're getting another patient." I would look her straight in the eye (with my arms folded up in angry repose) and camely utter: "Oh no I'm not!"

Then when she continues to attempt to give me the patient I would continue to insist that I am not taking anymore patients as I am going to lunch.

Lunch would be catered, of course, right in the middle of the nurses' station with a nice, juicy steak as the entree with baked potato loaded with sour cream, butter and bacon. I will have a candlebra and a bottle of cabernet on the table and it will be served to me on fine china by a butler named Jeeves. When the patients walk by and look at me I'll heartily laugh and proclaim: "You can't have any of this you silly twits -- this stuff will kill you." After lunch I will fire up a nice cigar with a lit alcohol swab all the while ranting that the surgeon general is wrong and smoking is actually good for you! I will use a bed pan as my ashtray and extinguish said stogie in the middle of the manager's desk.

Later, I will pour a beer into a urinal and parade up and down the hallway gulping it as I exclaim to the patients that the key to proper heart health is to take a healthy sampling of one's own urine.

Whenever a doctor writes an order for a patient I will loudly shout (in front of his patient): "You incompetent idiot -- that'll kill this man!"

There are so many more ideas fulminating in my brain, but I figure that I wouldn't make it past that last one before they toss me out into the street. Of course when they do that they won't be getting any funds for the new wing.