h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(Redfox, Kudos, and Vestboy (currently in a headlock) appear. Redfox lays Vestboy on the ground, and using his vast elemental mage prowess, pulls iron bars from the rubble below. they twist around Vestboy's ankles and wrists, holding him pretty securely)

Now, it's torture time...

*Sups a wee dram and watches with interest"

Looking good, Vestie. Keep it up.

*Scratches itchy nose and puts hand back in iron hand restraints*
You've got me now!

[Kudos] Ah, to state the obvious; what a feeble mode of conversation.

*whispers to Red Fox*

So, ah, what precicely do we need to know from this fellow, eh?

He will never reveal the secret ingredient of his most prominent stain, the recipe to which is stored in his personal space in the cupboard just to the right of the entrance! Never!

*nodding wildly*
That's right! *wild nod turns to wild shake* I won't!
*thinks of Monty Python Sketch about the person hoping to join the secret service*
"Can you take pain?"
"Ooh! I hope so!"

Even if you rip him to pieces, he will not reveal it! Even if you burn his privy bits, if you slice is toes a millimeter at a time, not even if you pull out his hairs one by one. You can rip his arms off, and he will not reveal it! You can...

*Ignores Vesties weak "Uhm...Dukey?"*

*tries to nod in wholehearted agreement but finds neck has stopped working*

*The Dewey Demon has heard rumour of Vestboy's imprisonment and appears on the horizon, running towards this spot. Sadly, he can't run very fast, so it'll take him some time to get here At least until 29th MArch!*

Look! *Points dramatically at horizon*

(whips head around, looking at a small, advancing dot.)

Look like anything dangerous, Kudos?

(begins hatching an evil plot... one more evil than most ever concieved....)

Kudos, get me some scissors...

*Kudos squints at the horizon*

Mayhap, but it remindeth me more of my teacher hunting a tardy student.

Scissors?

*He pulls out a very VERY large, bright silver set from his pocket and hands it to Red Fox*

Are these sufficient?

Perfect

(Begins the tedious process of cutting off Vestboys vest)

*the Dewey Demon is very close now and has put on his best librarian glare - *

[Kudos] Oh, dear. I really don't recall having any material overdue... I dearly hope his anger is not directed at me. That could be bad.

*dramatic pause*

For him.

*finally arrives in the immediate vicinity*

*strikes a pose*

Release your prisoner or face the wrath of [*a crashing musical chord sounds here, coming from nowhere*] the Dewey Demon!

Ah, just another hero. How dull.

*points his Binary Blaster at the Dewey Demon*

So, how would you catch up on all that filing work if I blasted you to bits and bytes, hmm?

Um...

*draws his well-oiled date stamps and springs into the air*

... *and trips over a stone in the process*



Ow, ow, ow.

*"The vest" mends itself immediately after being cut with scissors and releases odour of villain's trousers ripping*

*struggles to his feet and launches another date-stamping attack at Kudos*