h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We like your idea but shoudn't you be a moslem cleric with that many wives? we'd like to set in Damascus rather than Dalston. And we'd like the rev. to be impotent its a problem that has hardly been mentioned on film despite Viagra.

interesting ideas all of them, but, it is based on my autobiography and would therefore be slightly inconsistent as having a muslim cleric in a North London British prison in the 70's and 80's who is working for the CofE whilst shipping in enough smack to lay out the population of India for a fortnight.

The impotence thing is also interesting and is noticeable by its absence in Brit-films of late, but would be a problem as it would create an inconsistency as to why he manages to maintain such a successful state of polygamy in his household.

Taking these suggestions into consideration, I might suggest casting Lesley Grantham as a part time witch doctor, trained in Port Au Princes and able to raise the dead victims of believers, but the only believers are the three sikh brothers in prison for committing euthanasia on their senile grandparents.

The whole point about having five wives while being impotent is thatyou only find out part way through. Then we found out what the powers over which the queen at least has no control reaally are. My moneys on Will Young and Gareth Gates for that one. But how did the queen know about them in 1997????

I how would he only find out half way through? Would he visit the clap clinic where they take samples away for testing and uncover the hideous truth, kind of like Mark Fowler without the social stigma attached?

I have heard from a friend in Parliament that the powers that be that are alluded to are typhoons and tsunamis. It is an open secret that the Queen controls all earthquakes and volcanos though.

Nonsense the powers that we have no control over are things like Keith Chegwin. Parliament can be made to do anything especially if you promise extra jaffa cakes. Ideas are another big worry for the establishment...Robot Wars caused panic in Whitehall during the first run.And of course childrens workbooks are a mkinefield,several of the people at my childs parents evening were equipped with decoders that could identify most of the languages form this end of the galaxy..they look very like mobiles-be careful out there.

It's true I tells ya. The Queen controls all the plate tectonics. I learnt that in GCSE Geography. She also has full control over lightning and thunder, which is why the scientists always bottle out of explaining why they are caused. She does it for fun. It's either that or shaking down mediterranean public buildings.

She's out of control and we have to stop her.

I must admit that I do in fact own one of those decoders you talk about. I don't use it for translating languages though. I have retuned min to read the truth out of the minds of the newsreaders, namely Sissons, Edwards and Alagiah. I can read them like books now, and I know that Moira Stewart wears hotpants to read the news judging by the rush of blood from Edwards head everytime she walks in the room.

Retune at news time..sissons speaks fleunt pifflzargid and you might be interested to know that bin ladens messages for the infidel are directions to pretty much every Starbucks in the U.S

I had heard that using my decoder actually.

Did you know that Ayatollah Khomeini had a hypnotic UV Nike tick tattooed deep within his beard that gave him the power to rule Iran? He only died because of the resurgence of Adidas in the 1990s which acted as fuel for the power of Saddam whose moustache is a magic-eye adidas logo.

Similarly Rik Waller eats at McDonalds and is grossly obese.

Similarlarly,twas brillig and the slithy tove did gyre and gimbel in the wabe-Sir Robert Peel didn't pick up on that fast enough.

So, can you lend me some money to begin filming. I have borrowed my mate's betamax camcorder and he has a working betamax player too. I've made a clapper board out of a wedge from the QM's 'body-box', and all I need now is £25m to pay 'the people murderer' Lesley Grantham to put on that dog collar, and to hire that Wallace and Gromit fool to do some dandy special effects and make it look like Terminator on mogadon.

Go on, I'll dish some dirt...

That John Motson, you know the 'family man' commentator. Word on the street says that he and Des Lynam can be naughty boys when they go off on their little foreign jaunts. Not together mind. Ask Des about his 'clubbing incident' in the Canaries, and Motty about the time he got rumbled in a pub over the road from TV centre.

These TV types are really a lot of trouble you know. There is so much filth being held back on these people, it's almost as though the papers are blackmailing them!

Of course everything I say relates to nothing that has ever happened in real life so does not need censoring in any way shape or form.

Peace to the mods

Youv'e got a cheek,pretending to be a News of The world reporter in order to get poverty stricken single parents with asthma to take out enormous loans form Shopacheck (27.5%APR) to fund this film project.Telling them they'll get to meet famous stars! ( I will meet Bernie Winters and Snorbitz won't I?)

Sadly you won't, but funny you should mention Bernie (Rest in Peace) as Great Ceasers Ghost who has now left the employ of my company was bitten by Bernie's other dog (an alsatian) as a child whilst delivering a village fete flyer to his house in the posh end of Barnet.

I think the very least you could do is take out one of those dial-a-car Jim Davidson-advertised loans and give me the car. I can guarantee you a signed picture of bow-tie wearing financial whizz-kid Alvin Hall, or the House Doctor.

BTW, I'm not a reporter, I just make up and steal small stories to fiull up the gaps in the paper that are too small for Jordan's ugly face.

left? Is that a euphemism for sacked? How can anyone be sacked from the NOTW what would you have to do???!! Not lie,not steal,not commit adultery with all the long-term residents of the Tamar Valley Donkey Sactuary is LL's shrewd guess.

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That was Sheba,but what about Blackie,Dolly and Muffin? Again I am left to wondering how much you want to see your cat when you get home.Unaattatched to a tree if you get my drift.

Oooh! Bunny boiler language!

Reminds me of my all time least successful chat-up line;

'I'd like to wake up with your head on my pillow. And your torso in my deep-freezer!.'

I support Spurs is a pretty big passion killer let me tell you!!!

The thought of Dean Richards funny-looking mug is enough to put a 'feller' off his stroke as quickly as vocal encouragement from Yasser Arafat, sat in the corner naked and playing with his 'troops'

Ha -ha moderated again. How many Hail Marys do you have to say when youv'e led a NOW caption writer astray??? I think my cat threat was much worse but then of course I'm a girl and that still counts for something even in these days of so-called equality!!!