h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I think that would make such a good title for a film.I dread to think who or what the muffin man would turn out to be.Your turn to buy lunch,tabloid man.Get on with it.

A listen to some Zappa might give some ideas about who this muffin man might be, and add some flesh to the bones vis a vis characterisation (Brent-speak).

I am sorry, I shall not be buying any lunch today I am currently fasting in the run-up to Hannuka. It's strange really as I'm not Jewish and don't know if that is even the done thing. I shall be subsisting on a fire-damaged apple at around 2 O'Clock, and if I am feeling frivellous may splash out on a bottle of mineral water to accompany.

I have to check the lottery numbers, I may be a winner. If I hit the jackpot I'll shout you a Wimpy for you and the kids. But, noone is allowed to order the Benderumptious Pork Bendy Bender In A Bun because it is frivellously bent.

It was me who went totally without meaning to into an halal butchers on the harrow road and asked for some pork sausages. I wasn't even pregnant.

A similar thing happened to me. After a delightful evening out with some parishioners, I visited a Brick Lane Bagel house at 3 in the morning and nearly dropped my skull-cap when they informed me that they didn't sell sausage or bacon-filled bagels.

Then there was the time I was sussing out the rivals by visiting the Neasden temple. I went to the shop in the car park and after a little chat with the proprieter I was mortified to discover that they wouldn't knock me up a sirloin-steak sandwich. I think it was something to do with Vishnu but my memories a little vague from those Amsterdam coffee shop fact-finding mission Carey sent me on.

Look I'm up to speed on kacking now.It's kind hacking.To this end I have set up a kackers lounge. You could for instance kack in to find out which jabs your kids have had or wether you got an A or B in your 'O' level Geography in 1983.

Fasting for Hannukah indeed. You're out there now guzzling away at our dwindling stock of cod. Eco-scoundrel.
On a friendly note,when I was training to be a journalist we were always told anyone with a thesaurus could write for the Guardian but writing for the Sun was real journalism.

Or kacking in to Nasa's database to find out if they have aliens.

No(patient voice)aliens work for the post office. You WERE eating feesh and sheeps,I've got a friend works down that chip shop whose name really is Elvis..he said you had onion rings too.I sincerely hope they were organic.

Surely anyone I heard the only requirement to write for the sun was a large protruding forehead and hairy knuckles. And a political viewpoin just slightly more right-wing than Attila The Hun.

Look ,I'm talking NCTJ here.Straight from the horses mouth.Writing in the sense of putting a sentence together.Look at your captions..twenty words to get all the information in plus at least two puns. Writing for Mills and Boon is equally difficult.

This is like a 1980s Wogan satellite interview...

The onions weren't organic, they weren't even onions. Synthesised slime coaxed and coerced into little bread hula-hoops.

I no eat'a di Feesh or di Sheeps. I em a vehegiterranean. I only eat the fleische of an hanimal named kohl.

Kohl soup, kohl and chips, kohl and steak.

24 and you were born in May. Favourite shop Matalan.

Hold the front page! You do realise I am sending subconcious religious 'signals' buried deep within eac caption don't you? It's hardly sports writing!

Hold the front page! You do realise I am sending subconcious religious 'signals' buried deep within eac caption don't you? It's hardly sports writing!

Close but no cigar. 54 born in January, favourite shop Lidl.

Alright I heard you the first time.Now answer my questions.I might be wrong about matalan,i seldom am though.

I rekons you is:

34, June, favourite shop Aquascutum (nicer checks than Burberry), favourite film Lethal Weapon 4.

Thats a very God type thing to do.Transmitting his message right there in the guutterpress to all the functional illiterates.I expect you get hate mail from your congregation though.You with your filthy worldly job.

Why do you think the deep south of America is so griped with religious fervour.

It's strange, the religious 'sorts' tend to come from the most damaged members of society eg the base-scum (Sun readers) and also from the dull-as-hell middle of the middle class (Daily Mail readers). There must exist some sort of functional middle ground with a capacity for rational thought wedged somewhere in between the two.

What do they read though? Private Eye, Viz, Razzle, The Plymouth Herald or Guns and Ammo are my guesses but I may well be wide of the mark. More likely I think is that they read books and journals when not contemplating the inhumanity of man.

So, do you shop at Aquascutum or is the big man bulls**ting me?

I may once have lived in the teeming metropolis,the great wen(or was that wren?)the smoke,Town.But now I don't.Aquascutum is just a group of letters to me.Tuh! I'll speak to you when I can see those little beady eyes.