h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Tuesday saw the passing away of one of the most famed and notorious media tycoons, Peregrin, of Falcon Acquisitions Inc.

Peregrin's life was rich with both ambition and ruthlessness in equal measure. Despite repeated accusations and investigations, Peregrin was never successfully defeated in any of the well known lawsuits involving him. The mysterious circumstances involved in the disappearance of his business partner, Richard Branson, and the infamously gruesome death of Bill Gates of the former Microsoft company (which folded over ten years ago), have always been linked to Peregrin but never proven to be of his doing.

Despite the relief felt amongst the Reuters corporation - Peregrin's ownership was very heavy handed, and he often had a close role in 'editing' political stories - most of the media world is deeply saddened to see the departure of the most undoubtedly influential figures in international news.

Peregrin was successful at business and politics from an early age. He first appeared in the public eye when he was controversially elected President of h2g2 in 2001. The suspicion and accusations following this election were the first of many. When h2g2 bought out its parent company, the BBC, in 2009, Peregrin was known to be behind the deal.

The new British media company resulting - h2BC - was short lived but enormously successful. When Peregrin fired the rest of the board and became sole director in 2010, h2BC's income exceeded that of most multinational corporations. It was with these enormous profits that Peregrin merged h2BC and Virgin, creating Branson-Falcon Industries; following Richard Branson's disappearance, Peregrin renamed the parent company Falcon Acquisitions Inc.

This notorious company is now a household name, revered by the people and feared by its rivals. At first, media businesses were resentful of Falcon Acquisitions, doing everything possible to avoid being 'acquired'. The long drawn out court case involving the Sun newspaper is now legal history; the outcome, especially the demolition of the Sun offices by laser-guided missiles, made the media world sit up and take notice. Many high profile corporations, including Reuters, soon succumbed to the buying power of Falcon Acquisitions.

By this time, Peregrin himself was being investigated by the FBI, who suspected him of having links with the Mafia. It was this unwanted attention that caused him to withdraw himself from the public eye, eventually leading him to buy the Galapagos Islands as a personal retreat. He spent most of his latter years here, with his wife Tinkerbell, and his merangerie of pets.

Peregrin died on Tuesday while on a mountaineering expedition in the Himalayas. His team was caught in a vicious storm and separated; the accompanying Sherpas and most of the expedition members were found, alive but suffering from frostbite and hypothermia, near a local village. Peregrin and his arch-enemy Baron Von Eivildoer are missing presumed dead, amongst the deadly cravasses of the Uurgha glacier.

He is survived by his wife, her pussy, two Great Tits, and his five labradors.

"I never trusted him" - Amy the Ant (former employee)

Oh yes, I forgot to mention my embarressing and scandalous impeachment in the summer of '02

Hey!
Nice going sweetie, now wheres all this embezzled money then?

You really must have a lot of spare time .....

What for embezzling money or shopping? Or just for putting so much thought and effort into his obituary

to write that bunch of cr@p !!

Pah! *sulks* It's all true I'll have you know, I consulted with a very respectable fortune teller! Madame Mystic of the Powys County Fair is known to be extremely accurate ish.

Absolutely

"At last I can take over his assets" -- Joe aka Arnia (competitor at large)

Oh but didn't you know he left all his assets to me?

You can join my thousand concubines... [note: read my obituary ]

What if I don't want to be your porcupine? Besides I'm contractually obliged to marry Adrian at some stage

Adrian can join the group as well

Gender has no relevance in my concubines

I don't think he'd want to be a concubine to be fair...

Awww... *looks displuted*

Not even if I give him his own personal hairdresser and lots of shiny clothes?

It's nothign against you I just don't think he'd be anyones concubine,...

Awww... *looks sulkily at the ground*

Can I get some CBBC presenters then?

*laughs*
Who Simon? Oh you mean real presenters...
*is sure it's him and sits sniggering in amusement*