h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Hears the sound of Butch's gun being drawn, but keeps his back turned, holding the spittoon.*

You wouldn't shoot a man in the back, would you? I am not the man you say I am, but if you need an excuse to kill an innocent man, so be it.

Ma'am, perhaps you should get to safety. And if I do not live through this, I want you to know that when I first saw you in the saloon, I thought I would like to get to know you. Now we may never get the chance. Send word to my sister in Boston that my thoughts were with her and her family.

*Three beads of sweat form on Lovejello's forehead.*


The Jello is my shepherd, I shall not melt.
Yeay, though I walk through the shallow pan of death, I shall not fear.

*Begins to get up to help Butch, but then thinks about the posse coming into town, and holds his position.*


I fergot to git the donuts. Did anyone else bring somet'n to snack on while we's waitin'?

I got the remains of the stuff I had fer lunch down the front of ma best shirt.

Ah kin see the Posse fer up here - they're having sum sort a picnic and dunt seem to be in any kind of hurry. Heck, they're chatting away with sum of our Apes ! We're being dubble crossed fellers !!!

A pircnic? What'a they got fer vittles? I ain't et since the posse stole them beans. Ya' think we sherd 'ttack um stead 'a waitin'? Then we can git their food.


HEY BUTCH! HURRY UP AN SHOOT THAT PREACHER! THE POSSE'S GOT LUNCH!

~idly thinks to himself~

I wunder if'n a Preacher is gud eatin' ? Prubbly real tough ah reckon.

*shouts*

YEAH BUTCH, WHATTAYA WAITIN FOR BOY - FINISH THE DUDE OFF !

*jumps in front of the reverend and glares at Butch and Doc*

*takes on her admonishing schoolteacher tone*

Both of you boys put those guns away right now. Ah won't have yew two shooting any preachers, no matter who yew think they are. The Reverend assures yew /gentlemen/ that he is not this... Hardjello person, so yew'd best be on yer way. Don't y'all have a posse to deal with?

Reverend, Ah would be glad to help yew fix up this church, after we are rid of these... ruffians.

*Sherry raises her chin and stays in front of the Reverend*

Madam, you have a superb figure, but you cannot cover 90 degrees. I am standing well enough away from both Hardjello and Webjello that we could be likened to the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

While I am sure your intentions are the best, two of us have concurred on the true identity of this person. If you don't mind my suggestin it, ma'am, preachers are a dime a dozen and you won't have to wait long for another to ride in, maybe a real one this time.

*looking at Hardjello* If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's a bad case of malocclusion. You have neglected your dentition, sir, and it is time for you to die. Please do so like a man.

~helpfully shouts some encouragement~

HEY BUTCH, WE'RE WUNDERIN' WHEN THE TALKIN'S GONNER STOP AND THE SHOOTIN'S GONNER START. SUNJELLO AND ME'S .... WELL, WE'RE GITTIN' BORED

*meanwhile amongst some rubble near to the NG Corral*

*notices a buzzing noise in antennae* takes white cowboy hat off* straightens out the left antenna and turns it through 90 degrees*

[Styx] *through comms device* It Styx.

[Amy] *by tapping on right antenna* Styx! How lovely to hear from you. I hope you're keeping well.

[Styx] heh heh heh. Ant Lady needed by Posse for attack.

[Amy] Oh dear. Just as it was getting interesting here at the NG Corral. What do they want me to do?

[Styx] Fly in air. Look down.

[Amy] OK. What time?

[Styx] Attack time is 1400 GMT!

[Amy] Received. Over and out.

*puts hat back on* stands up and dusts down the white cowgirl outfit*

Why did I think white would be a good idea? I'll just snoop around here for a bit and then I'll go back and report in time for the attack.

*wedges the DFB in between two rocks certain that it's camouflage field, snowzar field and sting will protect it* dashes to the wall of the building using tumbleweed as cover*

*Turns to face Butch and Holljello*
Ma'am, step aside, and get yourself somewhere safe.

Look carefully on my face sirs and remember it, so if you run into this Hardjello you can tell him about our likeness.

But do not think I will go without a fight. No, I will fight for your souls before I go. Alas, this may be the only sermon this new church ever hears.

*Clears his throught*

REPENT! Oh ye sinners, repent! For the evil jello's flesh is weak and watery, runny and rancid, melting and mildewed! Ye may be tempted by loose unmolded women, or by the drink, or by the hard gleam of cold cash, but lose not sight of your immortal souls!

REPENT! It is not too late. The Good Jello is forgiving, and will accept even the most unjelled of gelatins. He will take you back into the jello mold, and you shall re-jell in his grace, and in his image.

REPENT! The straight and narrow trail is a difficult road, but the rewards are great. Who would choose the melting fires of hell over the cool luxurious shelves of heaven? For if you live according to the Jello's mold, you will find eternal life in paradise!

*lazily yawning*

That's a third reason to shoot you, sir. Proselytisation is offensive to me. But of course, it is Mr. Webjello's privelege to revenge himself upon you, I'm just here to cover him and bear witness.

*hears Styx saying that the attack is imminent* looks at watch which says 13:00 GMT*



*collects the DFB and heads back to the Straight Path*

*Listening to the sermon*

I RECKIN' THE STRAIGHT AN NARROW TRAIL LEADS TO THE LURKER'S COTTAGE, NOT PAR'DISE!

HAR HAR HAR!

*Billy is now at the lip of the gulch looking down at the backs of some ramshackle buildings and corrals. He notices that the jellos inside are making no attempt to hide, and sees also that there are three deer trails down the wall of the gulch*

*Rolls eyes at sermon, then addresses himself to Sherry*

Now, Miss Jelly, have a look at this here newspaper clipping. It's a picture of the reverend Hardjello who shot my brother Abner, just because Abner made fun of his teeth. What kinda justification is that? Besides, he DOES look like a vampire that tried to get blood from a rock.

So now I'm gonna shoot him, as is my right.

*Points gun at Hardjello.*


Hopefully, the posse attack will distract Butch

[X (right next to Billy) ponders the dillemma of either charging his X-Buster, which would make too much noise, or not to, which wouldn't be very powerful. He decides not to, since it's cowboy Jellos he's fighting now, not Mavericks of whom each has enough weaponry to conquer Kansas.]

*nods to X and whispers* any minute now. Or we could leave em to shoot each other by the looks of it.

[X] [whispers to Billy] Let's wait and see who's left over.

*hears a stagecoach approaching at speed and his eyes widen in surprise*

They're attacking! *runs toward the street side of the building*