h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

That strikes me as right blasphemous! There is only one true Jello and I am his witness. If I cannot build a church here, sir, then the whole town shall be the church!

I shall preach from the saloon if I have to. I will follow those men until each one is redeemed and refrigerated!

*Storms out*

*Pokes his almost clean head in*

Here I is. Wait up, won't yer?

*Follows Butch out*

*The sound of two horse galloping out of town is heard. A faint voice carries on the wind.*

...we'll meet the rest of the gang at the Lurkers cotta...

*Later, Butch limps back into the Celery's office.*

Well, the raid went as planned, but there was no manual there. We shot up the place, despite the resistance put up by two huge beasts with 2-foot long razor sharp claws. One of them slashed my leg - that's why I'm limping. We finally had to leave when about 20 huge robots came and started blasting away at us with ice guns and flame throwers and dice-o-matics. We barely got away with our lives, but Reb managed to pick up some cards and a self-refilling bottle of champagne.

No manual there, eh? Well, that means they must have it with them! Good, good!

*Rubs hands together.*

They'll be here soon, so go and get the preparations ready.

Right, chief.

*exits*

/* With nose to the ground and half a beef jerky in his mouth, Zeppo pushes through the door, sniffs around the Celery's desk, pushes through the back door, returns, sniffs deliberately, and heads outside again. */

I thought we had a law about loose dogs.
*pause*
No, I guess that was loose women.


*Calls out.*

Doris! DORIS!

*Doris runs in.*

Doris, we've had some sightings of the posse near town. Better take our things and head out to the triple R. I'll stay here and send someone for you when they're gone.

*Doris hugs The Celery, gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and leaves.

The Celery pulls a stogie out of the wooden box on his desk. He removes the band with the RRR insignia, bites off the end and lights it. He leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the corner of his desk and gazes out the window, puffing on his cigar.*

*enters quietly, knocks on door to The Celery's office*

Mayor, sir? May Ah come in, sir? Ah wanted to discuss the building of the schoolhouse, sir...

At a time like this? We're about to be attacked by a posse and you're thinking about a schoolhouse?

*More fussing and fuming follow. Then a big sigh.*

Oh, all right. I'll make an appointment to discuss it with you the day after tomorrow.

A posse? Fascin-- er, Ah mean, uh... Yes, sir. Thankya kindly, sir.

*curtsies to Mr. Celery and leaves*

*arrives on the balcony of a large building* peers through the window*

Gasp! It's The Celery, my old adversary! I bet he's got Lil captive.

*works her way round all the windows searching for Lil*

*finds a boarded up window* there is no way in* parks the DFB on the roof and finds a way into the loft*

[mouse] squeak!

[Amy] Hello . I'm looking for my friend Asteroid Lil. Have you seen her?

[mouse] squeak squeak.

*the mouse acts as a guide through the wall cavities until they reach a mousehole blocked by a piece of paper that smells curiously of gravy*

*they push past the paper into the room* the carpet has been removed leaving dusty floorboards* the room has Lil's scent in it but there is no Lil*

[mouse] squeak

[Amy] Yes, I see. Lil has been here but has been taken away.

[mouse] squeak!

[Amy] In the carpet?! Can you show me where they took her?

[mouse] Squeek squuek squeek.

[Amy] OK. I'll go and get my flying machine and I''l meet you by the side door.

*some minutes later, with the paper from the mousehole tucked in her welly, Amy stands with several mice as they describe how Lil was taken away in the direction of somewhere they call the RRR ranch*

[Amy] I'll head back to the others and give them the news. Thank you for your help.

*An Ape runs in.*

Ooook [Posse getting restless]

Celery: Okay, pass the word for the boys to get ready.

*The ape exits at a run.*

*A messenger Ape runs in*

Ooook [Posse is here. They have a big gun.]

Celery: Hmmmm. Artillery, eh? Not much we can do about that. Just keep firing at the gunner.

Oooook [Right, chief]

*Ape exits. The Celery gathers some papers and exits also. Hoofbeats can be heard leaving town.*

*having tied the horses up out front under a shady tree, Billy wanders in in search of somewhere to bunk down. He is pleased to find a large couch, and flops down without further ado*