h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The Celery enters the building and walks to the back where his office suite is located. He strides into his office and glances through the other door to the adjoining library. Seated at a table in the library is a homely looking webjello, in a faded calico dress. She jumps up at the sound of his entrance and comes into the room.*

Doris Webjello: What is it, honey?

The Celery: Nothing, dear. Just a minor setback. Pack up our belongings, ready for a quick getaway tomorrow. Shouldn't be necessary, but I want to be ready.

*Doris hastens away to the private apartment beyond the library. The Celery sits heavily at his desk, puts his feet up on the desk and loses himself in thought.*

*The doors of City Hall swing open, and a very cheerful Afgncaap5 enters, still carrying his burlap sack. He sees a series of doors that were not closed the last time used and, through a custom that is considered polite in the universe of text adventures he hails from, strides through the open doors until he finds The Celery, sitting at his desk and lost in thought*

Yo, Celery! How ya been? Listen, I just came to town a few weeks ago, but was too busy looking for treasure to really see who was who around Peta Gulch. Imagine my surprise when I find you here! With this mayoral position under your belt, you'll be a shoe-in if you decide to run for President in 2004.

Anyway, what've you been up to? GL and I got a little worried when you mysteriously dissappeared all those months ago. And then the entire biome was worried out of its mind. So, if you've got the time, what's the story been?

*The Celery's feet drop to the floor from his desk and he stands up and leans over the desk, putting his leaves very close to Affy's face.*

You have the nerve to come in here all cheerful and happy, like nothing happened. And with a two-bit lie about me going missing. Ha!

*The Celery pokes a finger at Affy's chest, emphasising each point with a poke.*

You know very well that I've been languishing on Redbeard's page for almost two years now. That is, until I broke free and made my way here. As soon as I lost the election, you so called researcher abandoned me. Narry a word in two years.

*The Celery sinks back into his chair.*

But the last laugh will be on you. Changes are coming. President in 2004? I think it might be sooner than that.

I forgot? I was under the impression that Red Beard would shortly be returning you to the Fridge or Biome. I will admit that I didn't actively check in on you until after you managed to "break free" from Red Beard's page, but that moment in time was somewhat hectic for me as, if memory serves, I had to deal with Minos Krylma who was attempting to detonate a gizmo large enough to destroy the entire Galaxy.

Anyway, it seems that you've set yourself up nicely here. A quiet mayoral position in the middle of an authentic A.E., a community thriving with dedicated and, from what I've seen, fairly upstanding WebJellos (though Dolores said that she's not seen you very much lately), and even two City Halls!

Anyway, I look forward to hearing your plans for virtual candidacy again. Um, that's what you're planning right? Why don't you tell me all about it. We've got some catching up to do.

Yeah, well, let's just say a change is coming and leave it at that.

I'd love to catch up , but I'm afraid I don't have a lot of time for chat, right now. I'm expecting guests in the morning and I need to make preparations. Perhaps we can talk at another time.

*Looks pointedly at the door.*

*Doc Hollijello enters, looking pale as usual*

Why, excuse me, I didn't realize you had a guest.

*Doesn't leave*

*Affy's watch beeps and he looks at the screen before looking back up*

Well, I was just about to leave anyway, sir. I bid you both a good day. Anyway, I'll probably be at the Saloon or the abandoned mines if you find the time to talk to me. Later!

*Affy exits*

*if Affi is listening, he hears a woman's voice whisper faintly*

Affi! Affi! It's Lil!

*takes a seat on the horsehair sofa*

Mayor Celery, would you mind mah askin *his accent seems to thicken when he is being ironic* what your game plan is for this little happenin of yours?

*The City Hall doors burst open, and Affy strolls in, obviously angry*

Celery! I'm here to say that I know *EXACTLY* what's going on here! It might've taken me a bit too long, but I can recognize these exact feelings of tension and anxiety.

*Affy pauses for dramatic effect*

You people...are playing a game without the proper documentation. For shame, Celery. Look, I've got a warehouse full of documentation back at the labs, if you tell me what game it is I might be able to get it for you. C'mon, you know you can always ask me about this stuff.

Sorry for intruding again, but I take game documentation very seriously. Anyway, now that I've got that said, do you have any clue which game it is you need the documentation for? I'm sure that if I don't have it I can find someone who does.

*In the silence, Affy can faintly hear what sounds like Lil whispering. As soon as he does hear it, he also hears his watch beep. He checks his score, and looks in the direction that the sound seems to be coming from*

*Also hears Lil's faint voice. Calls out to the outer office.*

Will someone turn off that radio out there.

*Sound of several doors closing, cutting off the voice. The Celery turns to Affy.*

The voice on that radio sounded just like one of your campaign team friends, Affy. I don't think I could stomache hearing two of you at the same time, even if one is just on the radio. Oh, there was a time I longed for your voices, but as days turned to months, and months to years, it grew so that I would rather listen to anything but those particular voices. Now, I can handle small doses, but soon, it won't matter.

Now, you mentioned something about manuals. Yes, we are in need of a particular manual. However, we are in the process of acquiring one for ourselves and don't need your help. We wish to have as few dealings with the former campaign team as possible. At least until we are ready.

So, if there is nothing further...

*Quickly writes something on a piece of paper, signs it, and puts it in an envelope. Seals the envelope, then calls to the outer office.*

Hey! Minionjello! Come in here!

*A young looking jello with spiked hair slouches in.*

Minionjello: whadda ya want, boss?

The Celery: Take this note to Zekejello, immediately. It's very important. Report back when it has been delivered. I'll expect you in half an hour.

Minionjello: right, chief.

*Minionjello glances at his watch, then rushes out.*


Zekejello,

Take the guest to RRR immediately. Blindfold her first. Make sure she is secure.

The Celery

Okay then. As long as you're getting the manual, that's alright. Well, I guess I'll be heading back to the mines to do some more work there. Oh, and again, sorry about the whole "slowly slipping into insanity while stuck in solitary confinement." Boy, do I know what that's like....anyway, I'll leave you to your town business. Later!

*Affy exits, glad it was only a radio he heard*

*Zeke enters the City Hall through a side door and with a barely perceptible nod to The Celery disappears into the back rooms*

*after a delay he reappears with a heavy roll of carpet over his shoulder and struggles outside with it where he secures it carefully over the back of his horse which is tethered outside*

*he then mounts his horse and rides off down main street slowly and carefully*

*The Sunjello Kid trots into City Hall on a yellow dog (and possibly tied to Zero), covered with hardened treacle, leaves, and broken twigs.*

Whar's the boss? I gots me another hostage er two. Kin someone undo this knot?

*Enters, and removes his hat*

I'd like to see the mayor. It is my understanding that this town has no church. This is a terrible misfortune, and its correction cannot wait.

'uld you mind untyin' me from this yeller dog, minister? It'd be right kindly of yer. An I'd be happy ter put in a good word with ther mayor fer yer.

*Calls in his minionjello.*

Untie this man and get that...that...stuff off of him.

*The minionjello unties Sunjello and takes him away. The yellow dog follows.*

Now listen hear preacher, we don't want no churches here. Wait a minute...I just had a thought!

How would you like to be a preacher in the biggest church on h2g2? I can build it for you, but you may have to change your tune a little. How does the Church of the True Celery strike you?

*Enters.*

We're ready for you-know-what now chief. Where did Sunjello go?

*Exits, looking for Sunjello.*