h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

opps I mean

Rev Jack is back!


OK it's grump time!

ok, so grump























well, what are you waiting for..............

Quite upsetting, waiting! Is'ent it!

Today of all days was for me a day of total enjoyment,(By meself, not with anyone!) my plan for today was to take the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM)for a walk, pick up a newspaper, a light lunchon with beer's, down the bookies(put a few bet's on and play the lotto), walk back from the pub the long way! and then watch TV till the missus came back from her sister's with the shopping! Not a bad plan till i arrive at the newsagent to pick up the newspaper, then this.

Newsagent: You live at No58?

Me: Nope!

Newsagent: Yessss you do!

Me: I am quite aware of where i'm living and it's not No58!

Newsagent: Well if you do live at No58, you owe me £14.98 for the delivered newspapers that were delivered to your house!

Me: For the last time i DO NOT live at No58!!!!!!

Newsagent: Sure!

Me: Christ, for the last time I DO NOT LIVE AT No58........OK!

Newsagent: Well I think you do and I can prove it!

Me: Ok! I give up! And there's me thinking that I can get away with it, all those newspapers, All i wanted was the smell of the newsprint, the gentle roughness of the paper against my skin, and now i've been found out! Outted by a newsagent! Just How can i live it down! The wife? ho no! Does she know?.....

Newsagent: Yea, Yea, Yea, what about the £14.98 you owe me!

Me: Up your offical and vauge, mate!(postal term, just ask your Royal Mail postman) I DON'T LIVE AT No58 but even if i did I would'ent pay!

Newsagent: We'll soon see about that, I'll be around to collect!

Me: See you soon! I'll have the kettle on!

So on that note I leave, I go to the bookies, then the pub,lunch, walk the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) back home, only to find at the front door a couple of (at best can be only called THUGS) people waiting! so I look's at them and they look's at me and then they say we've been waiting for you, we,ve got this'ere court doucment for you allowing us to search your house and take goods to the amount of £100.00 + £14.98, well I said you better take the amount in good's as i'm not going to pay! I then sat on the wall outside No58. "You got a key" "Nope" "Ok break in the front door"........ Crash in go'es the front door of No58.... Right then gent's it getting rather cold and i could do with a cup of tea, but if you, really need me i'll be right over in my house, over there... I point to No62.... Byee


I'll be back!

Oi!

Good story, Jack, but how come the thugs were waiting for you at *your* front door (no. 62) when you got home? Presumably the court documents were about no.58?

well do i have to explane it? well obiously i do! the fact of the matter is the bailiffs how came to recover the debt thought i lived at no58 and the fact i walked up to no58 and stopped they nataurlly assumed that i lived there, never asked me where i lived, so i just went along with the process, and why i'm explaning it i don't know, try the royal font door! christ i'm tired! this is giving me the grump!


i'll be back

Oi! Oi!

Once again i'm on me own, and i feel a grump on the rise!

The bile is rising once again and the weekend is apon us and i've got the grumps about the weather and the country and her nextdoors which I hasen to add she a bloody menice with a banjo, she can play it so well, obiously married to a second cousin at some point, and expecting road kill on the menu, oooOOOOooo scary thought, scary thought.

i'll be back!

ARghhh! My ears!

I'm stood in my kitchen, watching the weather, turning nasty and hoping with all hope that we get at least 1m of snow over night, wishfull thinking on my part! Looking at the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) they'er asleep in front of the AGA, the bread i'm making is begining to rise and the smell of it, great! The parner is being socical, nice! I've made some tea and i've got the muffin's toasting, I wander back to the window and to my amazment the snow is about 150mm deep, which for this place is deep! I call to the parner to have a look, and while the both of us stand at the window, her nextdoor come's out into her back garden, putting out her rubbish, now as if by magic the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) stir and start to bark, her nextdoor's spin's around looking for the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) and with all the grace of an east german olympic shot putter(female? which was allways a ? and i won't go there today!) slipped over and went right on her deri air! my responce 5.7 for technical merit and for artist impression 5.8, we waited for the old game bird to rise and dust herself off, she did'ent move, my parner said you'ed better get over the fence and see if she's ok, I said ok i'll just get the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) they flushed her once they can flush her again, for that remark my left ear is extremly brused, but it was worth it.
I opened the door and hopped over the fence, she's led on the floor, with a bloody big lump on the side of her head, i called an ambluance for her, she did look rough, they took her to hospital and she's got a broken hip and concusision!
And before anyone thinks i'm going soft, with a broken hip she's going to need some phyo and the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) can provide her with the very best in physotheripy, and i like to think that Darwininioun theroy should be tested once in a while, and this is a fine oppertunity to do it, I'm feel sometimes that i'm at the cutting edge of evolution experiments, and it's good to live nextdoor to the guiny pig, when she get's out of hospital, let the game's begin!



Jack russ

The dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) are getting resless and the full moon is on the rise, time for a grump as theres nobody around! there's never any body around christ i'm bord

Apologies for not being in attendance your Good Reverence.
Been a wee bit busy trying to get my own shit wired......

Monday - Go online to the REALLY helpful job sites and told to "go away"
Tuesday - Visit the jobcentre and be told personally to "go away"
Wednesday - Reluctantly try and do some housework.
Thursday - Rush up the road to spend 55p (yes folks)on the local rag with no jobs inside.
Friday - admit to myself that Rudolf Hess had a better time of it than I'm having just now.
Saturday - All my mates are in the pub. I hate them.
Sunday - wake up, is it Monday yet?

Belated Australia Day and the Haggis eating orgy.

What On Earth is that all about then?

Apologies are accepted! as I can see you've had a trying week!

I'm grumping today as the full moon was last night! beware..... The rev is on the prowle and is baying at the moon!




i'll be back

Now I've had a few days off and away from you all. Just to recharge my battries and stuff, the seaside is nice this time of year, just a few of us hardy people who like our company with our dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) and the family at least several lightyear's away, and after this little operation i've had, I was unable to walk very far, so when in a slight rainstorm, I took shelter in one of those greenhouse thing's that sit on the front of the british seafront, dressed with a slight air of neglect and several hundred layers of municipal paint and seagull sh*t!
I got out my newspaper, placed it on the seat,(remember in britian allways buy a morning newspaper, never read it, it's more usefull in other ways) I sat down and the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) took up station on the seat next to me,(well they did'ent wnat to sit on the wet floor, would you?) for a good 15min's we sat there waiting for the storm to blow over, enjoying each other's company, all smelling of sea and seaweed, brine.....

Excuses me, but i think this is your's
(A plastic bag, full of dog sh*t was produced by this person)
and it's an offence to leave it on the beach, think of the kid's who go blind with toxicarai worm's....

I egnored at once.as her as her arugement was fundimently flawed!

She (well meaning as she was) waved the bag at me!

Can you show me where to put the bag, as i don't know where to put it when it's full!(not bad for me, it was a good day! nice storm, plenty of thumder and lighting!)

She wandered off toward's a dog pooh bin!

I just sat there enjoying the dog's (GOD BLESS'UM) company, thinking that she's buggered off, and i've got the glasshouse all to myself1

I've got a spare bag! she offered a bag!

I'm sorry i've got no need to go ATM, thank you for the offer, but your arm's don't seem long enought, for an offer like the one you have just proposed!



i'll be back

She sniggered and sat down next to the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM), who shuffled up and pushed me into the corner! "I was born in India, you know, high up in a hill station and it was'ent till came to England, to school did I relise just how bloody damp this place could be!" "Really" was my responce, "yes" she said! For a few minuite's we just sat there watching the tide, then I turned my head, she was looking at me, with a forcefull stare, like looking right through me, into me, as if she could see my most inner thought's, just like the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) sometime do!

"You remind me of my brother" she said "The one that died in Kenya, shot in the neck, local dispute between to tribes, allway's a thicky he was, should have been a missionary! Then they could have eaten the evidence, (a slight snigger from the both of us) But no a commision in the Kenya police, could'ent even make the bloody kenyan army!

I'm begining to warm to this person, "quick around the other side of the shelter" the weather wors'end "Hold the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) and i'll get us a cuppa" "white with two" was her responce!

I returned after a few minutes with the tea's, "Their name's" pointing to the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) "Massey and Fergson" Ahh good name's for greyhound's, of course I once owned an elephant, "Hindus"! I must have shot her a quizzical look, because her instant reply was "Tiger's, when you go hunting for tiger's you need a elephant to shoot from, my late husband bought it for me as a valentine present in 1926, I was 21 at the time and we ran the whole of the Northwest province, such a gay time, party's, polo, ball's! He also bought me a Remmington .405 but i never got on with it, it was a bit too long, as I'm a bit of a shortass!

Christ this person's husband bought her a elephant as a valentine present, and a large caliber weapon too, where do they make these people today!

I'll be back, to finish my sermon!

Just why is so bloody hard to get on h2? I can never understand this. A small task of logging on to anything other than h2, Tis a easy task, Hay let's look up something on google, whamm your in, the news frontpage and your in again! Go to the Hotmail site and pick up your e-mails and twingggg your in picking up your mails, now i know it the querkyness of the whole h2 thing thats keeps us loggon and playing and stuff, but please can we get this thing sorted out in my life time, as now i'm trying to enjoy a h2 jedi game and everytime i have to go away and come back... even if i press the (remember me at this computer thingy box is ticked) it dosent! and now i'm getting grumpy. I even could'ent finish my rant on this bloody boring thread, and another thing why don't deaf people use the bloody subtitles on the tv, you have these bloody thing's that sit in the corner of the living room and it's fitted with a texting service and subtitles, video, dvd player, X box, each with there own remote control (don't get me to go there, about remote's as that's yikesing terrotory!)and you end up hearing her's nextdoor as she's out of hospital (bashed her nut, slipping on the ice) now she's a little deaf her daughter told us, "it will go away in time"! The fact that she's, over the year's has given me and the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM) so much entertainment and excersize still dos'ent give her the right to play her TV so bloody loud that it's knocked the pattern off the wallpaper in my house(Yes I have patterned wallpaper) and made the dog's(GOD BLESS'UM)lives a living hell, I've tryed the "turn your's up till it as loud but this has little effect as she's deaf and therefore defeats the object of turning it up! as do'es banging on the wall, so you can see the state i'm in, ha ah just had a thought i might go lamping for rabbit's, and for lamping you need a bloody big lamp to startle the bunnies with......




I'll be back!