How to Fake an English Accent in a Chatroom
Created | Updated Aug 1, 2002
Faking an English accent has always been an American pastime, whether we are trying to sound fancy or make fun of a culture that is foreign and different to us. But how can we do this over a medium without voices? It is simple if you follow these fun and easy rules!
1. Be an American.
This is a necessity. No matter how hard you English people try, you cannot fake an English accent, just like I cannot fake an American one.
2. Do not change your spelling habits.
It is impossible to say how many promising English accents were ruined by overly impetuous chatters who decide to spell out words how the English pronounce them. That is pure stupidity! Americans do not spell cabinet “cabnit.” Think about it.
3. Learn the words that the English spell differently.
Or, if you are lazy, follow this rule of thumb. If a word is more than five letters long and contains the letter “o,” place a “u” directly after the “o1.” Also, substitute "re" for "er2."
4. Know the common words that the English substitute for real words.
“Trousers” are substituted for pants, “pants“ for underwear, “lift” for elevator, “pub” for bar, “football” for soccer and “flat” for apartment.
5. Use the word “w**k” and “w****r” as expletives.
Real English people never do, but it sounds good.
6. Do not back down.
The person confronting you could be faking an accent as well. Tell them to “bloody sod off.” That works quite well.
7. If all else fails, pretend you are drunk.
They will not find this odd.
8. Use cockney.
You will never see someone who speaks cockney online so you can feel safe to use it freely. To type in cockney, simply misspell a great deal of words and speak gibberish3. If you do find a speaker of cockney, refer to rule seven.
9. Watch Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch
Repeat until you understand what all the charecters are saying4.
10. Say "really" and "you know?"
This is not stereotypical, but is actually used quite commonly. DO NOT SAY "ya know?" This is an English accent, not a Canadian one.
11. Use the term mate as much as possible.
I know what you are thinking, Americans believe only Austrailians use the word "mate." This is far from true. The English call everyone mate, even people they do not like.
12. Find a good English-sounding screen name.
If you cannot think of one, use a fairly unknown English actor, or, better yet, a character they play.
13. Last but not least, DO NOT SAY CHEERIO!
This a major faux pas, so avoid it at all cost. No real Englishman has ever said “cheerio” this century5 and will get you caught. So avoid this, no matter how tempting.
Well, that’s about everything. Follow these rules and you should have every “yank” believing you are as English as “tea and crumpets.”
1i.e. "favourite", "colour"2"Theatre," "centre."3“The wire caugh’ me wit’ a blackjaw’ so I tapped ‘im in the Chevy Chase, ‘ight so.”4No subtitles. Thats cheating.5And those not in this century rarely use chatrooms
