h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

flogged, beaten soundly about the head and shoulders with an almost-but-not-quite-entirely "al Dente" number nine spaghetti. Then, without further ado or sympathy for their plight, they are sent, without dinner out into the ...

....desert to find Jesus...

who was seen to be selling an unusual version of "gladiator boots" to nomadic ...

....dolphins who have evolved spider legs...

..which really tickle your..

fancy if you afford them the opportunity. However, now that those dastardly little nuisances of children have been sent far, far away, the Reverend, the lady of the manse and the recently revived cleaning lady get down to some serious partying with the chardonnay, the napoleon, the classic rock CD's and an unusually large model of ...

NOSE???

When they scurry across the...........

the lounge to avoid the ultimate if Ultra-Galactic sneezes from The NOSE, they encounter ...

....ceiling, in search of the mystical land of the Potato King...

Where is Lady Pennywhistle.........Multi Simposts here........!!

Okay, let's pick a direction to follow... Will it be the Intra-galactic sneeze? The scurrying-spider-legged-somtehings? Or just simply one fine party? That brandy is REAL fine, 40-years-old if a day ...

but you must admit...you have a strange habit of vanishing when you drink Brandy........Especially 40+ year old Brandy........

Ah but no. I don't actually vanish but ascend to a higher plain of existence. From on high (or a high?), the Reverend looks down upon the children wandering the desert, the mistress of the manse, the cleaning lady sneaking out the back with the good silver and decides, ...

.....now would be the perfect time to stop this indecent behaviour and begin to...........

really apply himself to some more of that brandy. It is a well known fact that anymore a serious gaggle of ladies will be along to sip the wines, malign the hubby's and generally have a good time.

Meanwhile, as a clock strikes dischordantly a midnight chime (somewhere it must be midnight), an eerie moan commences in the attic.

The midnight chimes catch me unawares and startled I bump into the Reverend and he tries to catch me and the bottle of 40+ year old Brandy. The eeerie noise from the attic makes us both.......

really, REALLY want to apply ourselves to the brandy. However, as that probably wouldn't help the poor orphans in St Patrick's Parish of Wayward Wino's, we only indulge in half an hour of sip-and-giggle before cautiously, carefully, most circumspectly approaching the door to ...

...the first of the Attic Rooms...the Brandy does not help us to feel very courageous...in fact it has the opposite effect and we peek into the room....we see a sudden movement on the far side of the room.....we both begin to........

....scream, as old Granny Doris, 106 today, comes forwards looking for a kiss before she puts her falsers in...

We shriek, we shout, we dance and flail about! But unfortunately, granny plants one on the cheek. (Shuddddder) It's like having a mega-octopus attached to your cheek, except for the drool. Finally, with a heaving wrench of the body, Granny is shaken loose, only to tumble head-long down the ...