h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Strolls into leafy glade, strokes chin thoughtfully*

Yeees, this'll do. It'll do very nicely indeed.

*Makes complicated magical gestures with hands. Out of the green turf springs a mighty tower, many scores of feet tall, with a tasteless amount of buttresses, spires, glowing red windows, battlements and nasty-looking spiky bits. You know the type. It rises up to loom over the forest, casting an ugly shadow right over the Castle Anthrax*



*Main doors creak open, disgorging a horde of orcs, trolls, Jamie Theakston, dark elves and other assorted s*

Fly, my uglies! You do not know pain! You do not know fear! You will taste Knight-flesh!

(And yes, the Tower *is* equipped with a minibar. You drunks.)

*grabs a vodka & vimto from mini-bar & opens rucsak to reveal Vanessa Feltz*

hehehehehe I knew that old quest would come in useful Mr L hehehehehe

*settles back to watch the carnage, stirring a foul smelling cauldron with a titanium spork*

Oh dear, they're all coming back, aren't they? Well, we can put her on a leash and use her to guard the doors. How would that be, Vanessa?

Vanessa Feltz: "I would do anything for you, my little muggly-monkey. For I desire your sinewy body."

O-kay. Just guard the doors, please. And don't touch me. And it's pronounced 'megalomaniac'.

What have you got cooking, Granny? Anything we can tip on the enemies head from a great height?

Jellied eels & custard. That should do for a start, I've lent my Oliver James cook book to the sister-in-law, but she promised to send it back tomorrow, we can start on the reeeeaaaaallly evil coulis then

He's not going to turn up himself, is he? Cause I don't know if I could take that. His lips creep me out, somehow. And his beady little eyes...

*Flexes fingers, cracks knuckles, and begins to devise pre-emptive defensive methods*

I think we're going to have to annex the Forest. Firstly, I think it would protect our territory. Secondly, it'll *really* p**s off the Knights. Is there any magical protection you could put on the Tower, Gran?

*thinks hard, has another drink, thinks even harder*

Let me see, *rumages around*, Yup I've got all the necessary

*macrames invisible trap-net & weaves protective comfort blanket for the Tower*

Oooh, turning the heels for all the sticky-out-bits needs full concentration, can you cover my back for me oh wizardly one?

You got it, Granny. Carry on!

*Grabs pike, leaps about looking fierce and rather silly , muttering 'hut hut hut' under his breath*

What are you doing with that fish in your hands? & this is a tower not a gardeners hut

*shakes head & makes memo to cut the pipeweed next time*

Did I say pike? I meant herring, of course. And now I'm off to cut down the mightiest tree in the forest...

That clumsy Python gag done, I'm logging off for the night, to cuddle up in my e-vil bed and dream my dreams of conquest. G'night Gran.

PS: The pipeweed is just fine. Reeeally fine

Mr L ( by the time you read this)

......Walks through gate, to find himself facing a tall tower, obviously of e-vil, with red lighted windows and buttresses.Looks scary...must see what is inside. Cuts his way through < ... KILLKILLKILL.


Reaches door to the tower of e-vil. Opens it with caution.

Do I feel the magic vibrations of a minibar


Rushes in to to have a and a and find my old friend Mr Legion and Granny sleeping in the corner....Hmmmm.....Better keep watch.


Sits with composite longbow poised, should anyone intrude.


....Preferably small furry animals, if any.........



with himself and look for some snacks.

Hi T'mersh, thanks for standing sentry. Ms Feltz leaves something to be desired as a guard dog. But you must curb your bloodlust. Apart from the gratifying little screams they make, there's no need to go killing my guards. They're quite expensive, what with spawning and arming them...please exercise restraint. There are lots of cute furry animals in the Forest for you to slaughter. Not for long, I suspect...

The Lord High Captain Commander of the Knights and I have an agreement that the war will not commence until Tuesday, so we both have time to prepare. So everyone knuckle down, and we should be ready for the sneak attack on Monday

I'm off to annoy the Knights - their defences are here

--> F87361?thread=211553&post=2418827#p2418827

*Dons postmans cap, picks up postbag and walks off through the forest, heading for the Castle Anthrax*

*looks around her*
y kill small animals???
why not just change them??

see dosent the rabbit look more interesting...

Twisted mutant bunnies...I like it! Also, I've taken cuttings from the carniverous coconuts at the Strand Underpass and planted them around the Tower.

The Knights rejected my terms; now we're officially at war. Be on your guard.

*Retreats to private apartment at the top of the Tower - sinister mumblings can be heard around the cracks of the door*

Hmmmm...cute little bunnies, can you make them glow in the dark

*laughs scornfully*
of course i can
we cud turn forest creatures in2 monsters so the boss has more money 4 + our paychecks

Paychecks... Right. But not until you've done a full weeks work. I don't suppose you'd like to work pro bono publico, ie. for free? I already have a lot of expenses - there's the guards, the tower, the coconuts, the whole evil-wizard outfit (I'm renting it by the hour)... It's amazing how it all mounts up.

News just in: the Knights have been developing a 'secret' weapon they call a Guymelif. Some kind of Robocop rip-off, I think It looks a bit like this:

http://www.anime.net/escaflowne/images/mecha/asturia/scherazade.gif

Quite impressive. But top-heavy. Shouldn't be too much of a problem.

*Surveys teeming, screaming hordes of orcs, wolves, undead, trolls and B-list celebrities gathered in the wasteland about the Tower*

I like my job.

I didn't realise you were renting that rather impressive hat by the hour, I've got a spare one somewhere & WIZARD is actually spelt right, would you like to borrow it? Cut down the ex's a bit?

*wanders over to the mini-bar & pours a large vodka & vimto eye-opener*

I must say those toothpick the Knights are wielding don't look too impressive to me, more like toothpicks for

If you want, I/We can create a guide entry and simply make the Tower a permanent part of the forest. Maybe rent it out to passing villains?