h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sure, that'd be good. Or possibly e-vil. But probably good. I was thinking of a name change - any suggestions?

The Dim Tower?

The Darker Tower?

I dunno...

*Walks gingerly through the dank, slimy caverns beneath the Tower. Arrives at the spawning pits, where a horde of lesser demons are busy tending the sacs, massaging, moisturising and changing nappys*

What news of the Project, overseer?

Overseer: "It's nearly complete, marthter, just-"

*Bing*

"- ahh, there we go. Walk this way, my leg."

It's 'my *liege*'. Pronounced 'l-eee-je'. Oh my!

*In a larger than usual pit, a huge misshapen figure struggles to escape its birthing sac. Steam and liquid mucus rise off it, creating a foul vapour in the air. Slowly, the figure rises to its full twisted height, grazing its head on the high ceiling. Eyes the size of dinner plates snaps open. The effect is quite impressive*

You know, I think this will do nicely. Whip me up another few batches of this, will you? Is there any way we can get more spiky bits and claws? Great. I shall call them...Eric. It sounds right, in a garbled kinda way...

*Leaves the pits humming a jaunty tune*

Ooooh can I have one of them? Just right for winding this super itchy wool I've got.

I thought I'd knit a few under-armour vests for the knights & flog 'em down the market cheap. It's what they call sidecarlojical warfare

That would be *mean*. You should definitely do it.

*Snaps fingers. One of the Erics lumbers over to Granny*

You're to help Granny making her vests, alright?

: "Okey-doke, Mister Le-gion."

I think naming them Eric may have had some kind of weird effect on them. I'm positive that 'okey-doke' wasn't meant to be in their vocabulary.

Well I'm going to call this one Oswald after my great grandad.

Come on young fella, stick your arms out...

*Oswald stands on one leg and sticks his *

No... you daft hap'orth honestly you just can't get the parts these days

*grabs both of Oswald's arms with tongs & positions them just right for winding wool*

Right you are then Mr Legion, that's one gross of mixed colours/sizes ready for market day then & if I've got time I'll do some special Granny tabards, with the tight neck lines & baggy arm holes, just right for catching swords & spears in hehehehehehehehe

*Smacks forehead*

Oy, these demons today. It's back to the spawning board for me...lesse, I could mix in some hyena blood...mumblemumblemumble...

If you could knock off some armour for the troops too? Ramtop wool should do the job I think. G'night.

I've got a nice little side-line in crocheted chain mail, how many head holes & arm holes do you want, I mean, are they for our folks or do you want the super-absorbent ones that soak up all the chivalry in the atmosphere & gradually get heavier & heavier until the wearer can't stand up?

I was thinking of something for our troops, plate or chain: your choice. What about an emblem? Hmmm. Eyes have been taken, so have hands...David Blaine did eyes *on* hands... How about the smiley? When the enemy sees my troops advancing with *that* printed on their chests, they'll surely get scared and run off:

Hummmm, are all these knights soft, southern jessies? If they are then what about thie emblem? A pint of proper would get them in more ways than one

What day's market day & d'ya fancy standing the stall with me - in suitable disguise of course?

Market day? I guess it can be any time we choose to put up the stall. Let's see...you can be the ugly old crone - no offense - well alright, the young and dazzling crone, mumblemumblemumble... And I can be a simple blacksmith come to town to sell my wares.

*Clears throat*

Horses shoed! Get yer horses shoed! Yeah, I could pull that off

I was thinking more a travelling medicine man would be in your line, essence of senna in a love potion type of thing, but I like the idea of a blacksmith

*thinks of sweaty, rippling, leather clad muscles & has to grab a <vodka&vimto> & sit down for a while*

*From the very topmost turret of the Tower, looks down over the rolling green landscape and the tiny Castle Anthrax*

My, what a nice day. Shame to have to ruin it like this... Go, go, go!

*A large troop of orcs, demons and creatures of darkness emerge from the staircase and strap themselves into gliders. The gliders have faux-bat wings, and are powered by an environmentally-unsound alchemical engine. One by one they slip onto the runway and take off, belching acrid fumes, slipping gracefully through the air and heading for the Castle*

Aim for the Courtyard, my pretties! Knock 'em dead!

*The unwordly host is followed by 5 American tourists on skate-boards wearing very loud hawaiian shirts, silly beards & back-to-front baseball caps*

Just to provide a little battle music Mr Legion, I thought it would be a nice touch

*Granny sits down on a convenient deckchair & starts to weave a spell of invisibility for the ravening horde*

Lurk.

For your name, how about "Tower of Insufficient Light", like from Dilbert.

Lurk.

Fluffy dice come flying through the air and land in

Sorry, from F87410?thread=212878&post=2438676#p2438676

Lurk.

* flying in on the back of the dragon Tewdric whose chasing the fluffy dice *

Ahha, so we've caught some of the gliders grounded then..........

* fire balls rain down onto grounded gliders to prevent them flying to the castle Anthrax. Odo wheels Tewdric round and heads back to the proper thread * F87410?thread=212878&post=2438676#p2438676

*Clicks on Dictaphone*

Note to self. Re: orcs. Too ugly? Not sympathetic. Too easy to kill them without remorse. Possible replace orcs with something cute? Maybe furry? Example bunnies, deer, squirrels. Think of more later. Possible to arm squirrel with assault rifle? Maybe implanted into arms. Length of squirrel arms - check later. One for the boys in R&D. Hmmm. Important! Get R&D department. Then get boys for it. Great idea: when Castle is destroyed, build big statue of me in its place. Nothing gaudy, some kind of serious pose. But imposing. Call sculptor.

*Clicks Dictaphone off*

*transcribes dictation*

The R&D Department's no trouble, we've got a spare crypt next to the IT (Infernal Torture)Department, d'you think we should advertise for staff or grow our own?

I thought you might have need of the squirels so I've brought along a stock of nuclear acorns, all we've got to do it train them to bury them under Castle Anthrax & the job's a good'un

*breaks out the pipeweed & * Would you like some bikkies with this Mr Legion? Oh and by the way, your 10:00 appointment's running a bit late, he's had some bother with the moat and a banana skin.