h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The Castle glitters in the sunlight, its monsterous oak and mithril doors shut tight. From on top of the Battlements, various archers and large projectile weapons can seen to be loading. Mystrunner strolls along the Castle front, shouting orders to the warriors and Knights there.*

They are coming! Prepare the Guymelifs! We need forty crates of Hayfever In A Can out here!

*The air notacibly shimmers at about fifty yards away from the outer wall.*

*A tiny figure can be seen in the distance, trudging along the road to the Castle. Minutes pass. The man arrives at the gate, admiring the fine defences. It's the post.*

Postman: "Registered letter for you, sorrs. Sign here. Thankee."

*Disappears in a blinding flash of flashiness*

Letter reads:

"My dear Knights.

I've just moved into the Tower E-vil down the road, and thought that the neighbourly thing to do would be to introduce myself. My name is Legion, for obvious reasons.

It has come to my attention that you Knights are, by your very nature, brave, good-natured and pure of heart. I am prepared however, to forgive you these foibles, if you are willing to try for peaceful co-existence. Never let it be said that I am unreasonable.

Here is my 5-Point Plan for Peace:
1) Recognition of my sovereignty over the Forest, with dominion status for the Castle Anthrax.
2) Complete disarmament of the Knights
3) A public holiday to be named after me.
4) The month of August to be re-named 'Legion'.
5) A weekly tribute of ten crates of and to be delivered to the Tower E-vil, c/o The Minibar.

I hardly think this is asking too much. I thank you for your kind attention and humbly draw your attention to the massive horde of orcs and assorted monsters I have ready to engulf your pretty Castle should you fail to be reasonable.

Yrs. respectfully,

Mr Legion

PS: Mwahahahahaha!"

*Mystrunner examines the paper, and without a word, tosses it into the shimmering barrier. When it collides, it bursts into flame, and the ashes dissolve.*

As for your terms, we utterly reject them. This is war.

*looks at the ashes floating 2 the floor*
i think we best go and get our weapons ready
*looks worried*
i just hope the EPG dosent turn up

[gets a dustpan and brush, and brushes up the ashes]

There's no need to make a mess

*Sigh*

Well, there's no dealing with some people. War it is, then, if you insist. Let the record state that I attempted friendly negotiations, was willing to have peaceful relations and only resorted to arms when forced to by the belligerent Knights.

See you real soon.

You of all should know that history is told from the winner's view.

*The ground shutters rythmicly from unseen footsteps.*

I see that R & D is working overtime...

He shouldn't know...having never won!

I know exactly that, Mysty, which is why I'm preparing a cast-iron story where you provoke me, who only wants peace and , into a war against my will. I was thinking of dressing some corpses in Knights costumes and placing them inside my borders too.

FWT, you can jive-talk all you like. Actually, can I join in? When I'm through with you, you'll be friendlywithgums

im glad ur so full of bravado legion...cos ur kind of a member short

At least my keyboard has a caps lock!

No PG, I'm not the sort of person who tells you he's going to kick your scrawny a$$ because he was dropped on his head as a baby or has a Napoleon complex: I tell you this because I really *am* going to kick your scrawny a$$. It's just FYI, you understand.

*Scornful *

There is a thread for this sort of thing: F19585?thread=197502 Great unwholesome fun.

Falsetto... We're just jive talkin'...

kick my a** eh???
yeah!whatever!
anyway i know something that has failed 2 meet ur attention....

You call that falsetto? Pah.

its ok FWT hes just a evil bitter guy!

Yeah...that should have been *me* in the school choir... Why won't you pick me Mr Curtis, why won't you pick me...?

*Wakes up in a cold sweat*

thus proving that most evil villains have some disturbing point in childhood that still affects them

you do know that the evil PG has "been taken care of" dont you?

lets hope you jive better now that youre awake than when you were asleep

Oh well, she was pretty useless anyway. She had too much of you in her, I suspect

FWT-well he couldnt be much worse could he??

*appears suddenly behind legion and puts her dagger 2 his throat!*
useless eh??
*goes back 2 where she was originally*
just a little trick i picked up off Mystrunner
i COULD kill u now
but id rather c u reeling from defeat
lets get one thing straight
she had nothing on me!thats y shes gone and im not