h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The Gardens are bizarre in many extents. A giant, cabbage eating, mutant squid lives in the bottom of the Fountain, the sundial spews fireballs at people who complain about the time, the maze keeps getting itself lost, and the less said about the greenhouses, the better...*

*Mystrunner walks in, looks about, and sets about making trails through the gardens.*

Aaah! Nonono!! Get of! Aaargh! Stop biting my leg!!
*Clang! Clang! Clang-crash!! A concussed baby dragon rolls of the roof, lands in the fish pond, and is eaten alive by mutant pirannahs.*
Right! Now!!
*A dragon is seen rearing up from behind the Chimney. Wargamer leaps up, slides down the roof, and lands in a shrubbery, yelling:*
FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!
*BLAMM!!! The TNT blasts apart the nest, sending the Dragon flying into the Greenhouse, which burps.*
whew! That was tough. Why I have to do this I'll never know... Oh yeah, 'coz I've got no powers... Hey Myst! What's the haps?

Getting used to the surroundings, nice garden, though a bit odd. I'm guessing I'm here for upkeep/law and order?

Yeah... It's going to be odd having to obey your orders. I was used to being the only Groundskeeper around here, and now you're in charge. Well, you'll be pleased to know that Dragon nest is removed from the chimney...

Hmmm... that's good news. Don't want the little buggers blowing up inside.

*Picks out some ornamental evergreens, and plants them along the path.*

Umm... they weren't Swamp Dragons. We get the real thing down here...

Aaah Mystrunner - new gardener eh? Not to worry, you will be fine, i mean it couldnt happen to 4 gardeners in a row could it? Still shame about that last one, he had been with us the longest, survived almost a day.
I wonder if I could ask a small favour?
*looks about nervously and leans in closer and speaks in a whisper*
I heard a rumour, that there maybe pulverised dragon young available for the right price?
*looks around again suspiciously, as its not just walls that have ears - the plants do too (not to mention the teeth)*
You see i am searching for ingredients for a new cocktai...cleaning agent to polish up the bar. Let me know if you find any theres a good chap and better wear that apron. Dont trust the little blighters even when they are in a thousand pieces.
*Strolls back to College building whistling innocently - like only the guilty can*

Shall I got find the bits, Myst? WOAH!!
*A massive Venus Man-Trap swallows Wargamer whole. There is a brief rumbling noise, a high pitched whine, and a loud "CRACK!!" As a Depleted Uranium Railgun Slug splatters plant bits all over.*
Hehhehheh... This Railgun makes a great gardening tool...

*Mort wanders gingerly among red and green slimey bits of a splattered Venus-Man Trap plant*
I see Wargemars been here, that explains the noise I heard earlier.
*He quickly picks up a couple of slimey plant bits and deposits them in his secret pocket - now bulging with alot of secret things - and wanders back to the college just as a green tentacled root tried to reach out and grab him*

Sure. Help yourself to whatever bits you want...

wake up!!

Hmmm?

Yes, what can I do for you?

Hey Mystrunner, thought you had been eaten by the large man eating plant that got the last gardner.

Hows it going? you may want to move slightly to the left as the large man eating plant seems to have moved...

*Calmly touches a vine snakeing around his neck. It sizzles, and draws back sharply.*

Awww, it's an old softy, really.

you must have green fingers afterall, as if i try that it burns my fingers

*Theres a supersonic blast of hot air, a high-pitched shriek, and the stink of depleted uranium. When the dust settles, a perfectly circular hole has appeared in the back wall of the College, gone straight through a toolshed, and a large oak tree.*
Ooops...

A loud noise and damage to the building?

It can only be wargamer!

Looks like you need to practice your aim a bit!

I dunno...

There was one guy who could channel, and he went to bed one night, and when he woke up, everything in the village around him was smashed flat... like a mountain had rolled over it. He was the only survivor.

*Staggers out, smelling of rotten meat.*

There's Undead in the Cellar again! They were crawling up into the ladies bathroom and I forgot to use the safety rounds...

(PS: Safety Rounds are rounds designed to explode on contact, rather than plough through anything along a five mile path. They are safe, for a given value of "safe"...)