h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well, I am not in a position to comment on mixed-race relationships in England, as I live in the Pacific Northwest of the United States, just outside of Seattle, Washington. I have been informed reliably that this is one of the better places in the US to have such a relationship. I have been in a mixed marriage for the past 12 years. I am white (well, a light pinkish peach, actually), while my wife is black (technically, dark chocolate. And yummy!).

In spite of what you might expect, we have experienced almost no reaction at all to our mixed marriage, or our mixed children. While I have seen some instances of racism in general, I have seen very little reaction to our relationship, and none I can identify definitively. Indeed, I have had more people ask me that question (or related ones, such as whether or not black women are better/hotter lovers) than I have actual cases where I suspect bigotry against us for being a mixed couple.

The only reaction I have ever gotten from my family was so mild as to be non-existant. I had exactly one reference to it the entire time I've known her, from my mother.

Mom: "Is she Catholic?"

Me: (Not mentioning that I wasn't Catholic anymore) "No, she's Protestant."

Mom: "That's OK. Mixed marriages work."

Me: "It's a bit more mixed than that. She's black."

Mom: "Oh. Well, that works, too."

The reaction from her family was considerably more rocky at first, but it wasn't because of race. While it is true that her mother first refered to me as "white boy", it wasn't because I was white, but because her daughter was, for me, pure jailbait, as I was approaching 22 and she was 17. While there may have been some discomfort because of my race, I think there was considerably more because of the age difference, and later because of how we got married (we eloped when she was old enough). The fact that she dropped out of school temporarily immediately afterwards due to pneumonia did not help, nor the silly rumors that we got married because she was pregnant.

Our children don't seem to have too much trouble in that regard, either. They have reported to us very little racism, even from the other children. If parents are bigots, the children will almost always give them away. For the most part, the mixed part of the marriage has caused few problems for them or us.

As for the cultural and ethnic differences, so far they have only added spice, and the occasional humor. For example, if it wasn't for her, I would probably never have tried gumbo or ocra. The other way around is more limited, since most of my cultural upbringing is Generic White American (Northwestern), which she had already had plenty of exposure, but I'm probably the only reason she ever tried lefsa.

One of the biggest ways in which our mixed marriage affected me wasn't directly because it was mixed. As a white man in a place where racism was heavily frowned on, I saw almost none until I met her. Since then, it has been an eye opener.

She has been pulled over while driving a car, with the excuse that the police were looking for prostitutes who were cruising the area. Legally, this isn't a valid excuse, anyway, unless there was an APB out, since she was hardly selling her body while driving. The fact that she was in the car only with another woman, neither dressed like a prostitute, and the police officer lied to have an overtly legal excuse to pull her over.

Similarly, I once saw her mother call the police on a white neighbor, and watched as the police drove up to the people arguing in the street, and went immediately to the white neighbor to get his statement, assuming that he (being white) had to be the one who called police.

Well, this post has turned out to be rather long, but I hope it was of interest to somebody.

It was to me

And me.

and here I was reading your post and wanting to say "no, no! you must be blind! there simply *must* be racism in your life" UNTIL I realized that the example you give illustrating cultural differences between you and your wife isn't race-based, but culinary. Huh. I'm an ass, and didn't even know it. Who knew?

raised on gumbo & okra, never had that other stuff you mentionned

"Similarly, I once saw her mother call the police on a white neighbor, and watched as the police drove up to the people arguing in the street, and went immediately to the white neighbor to get his statement, assuming that he (being white) had to be the one who called police."

Well, assuming there wasn't anything more to it than that, surely that's fine? I mean, if there's a house either side of the house in question, and one of them has to be the one that rang the police, you've got to start somewhere, right? Surely if they asked the black person first it could be considered racist towards the white person?

The thing is, that could be the case, but there comes a point when the frequency of Establishment assumptions leads one to thing that this isn't just coincidence. I have two siblings both of whom have a different father to me, and they look far more European than I do. Their father is also white. Every time we go through an airport, my siblings and our dad go straight through, no questions asked (often without cheking their passports), but my (Chinese) mother and I invariably get our passports checked and/or our luggage tipped out and searched. Coincidence? I'd like to think so, but it happens to often for me to believe it anymore.

well a friend of mine and i went through the air port on a school trip. she is danish and at school in england so she travels all the time. she is tall, blonde, blur eyes, fair skin, pretty, dresses smartly not tacky and not like a hitchhiker.


but he told me she gets stopped and normally earched every time she travels. and sure enough she did. now, i am tall, blond, fair skin, etc, we had come form the same place and were going to the same place but they didnt even talk to me

i think some people are just trouble magnets. it's not always about race

FABT

I am in a mixed race relationship in the U.S., and like Filksinger I have experienced very little overt racism.(One case in 13 years). Mostly I experience curiosity. I am black and my sons both have lighter skin and hair. People wonder how a black woman can have a "white" baby.They ask if he is adopted.

When we told our parents, both immediate families accepted it pretty easily, but my extended family were a bit surprised. At the wedding, a relative of mine asked my husband if he was in the wedding. She was quite shocked when he said, "Yes, I am the groom." My family was afraid FOR us. Some of my relatives are old enough to remember Lynchings which were reported in the South until the 1960's.

But, we spent time deciding whether or not to marry and this has made our marriage more stable than many others. I think that being of different is a BIG advantage, because each culture has it's own strengths and we can chose to keep the best parts of each.

If I was being malicious, I'd say that the airport staff fancied her.

Apparently though, people from Chinese and Asian backgrounds with British passports are often targeted because of the attraction of passport transfer to people trying to come into the country illegally; you know the thing - 'All Chinese people look the same'.

do they?

i hadnt noticed that......


FABT

I wonder if there's any evidence that such a scam is more common among the Chinese. If there is I'd probably support customs doing this (though one wonders what the baggage check is supposed to prove), as long as the customs man has to wear a sign round his neck reading "I have been employed to look at people's faces for X years and I still can't tell the difference between Jackie Chan and Jiang Zhemin."

well i found your somewhat long letter rather interesting. I live on the other side of the water(so-to-speak) from you guys in the Uk wherby i see quite a few mixed relationships, in fact i'm becoming quite interested in the idea -of dating out of my race.

i am from the black afro--caribbean group, and toffee brown.
i however was worried over, things such as will it work out? will it just be a lab experiment for the other party? have i got what it takes to handle the glares and stares?

i've worked with many white collegues, and found that we get on swimming,and that here is usuually an attraction there, and i'm constantly told ow nice i look etc,etc.

The problem i was having before reading your note, was is thre any point-but the problem being, i've recently noticed that i'm a sucker for blue eyes.
i've discussed the situation with my mom, who constantly reassures me that she would be fine with it, but deep down i know she would prefer me to eventually settle down with a well educated 'brotha'.

I suppose i'm just being silly, as if people like each other i'm sure an itsy bitsy thing like colur won't get in the way.

anyway just to say thanks for the somewhat reassuring letter you wrote, which i belive is probably due to the fact that you livein washington , rather than the Uk.

if you got any more advice, since i'm such an ameteur pls reply,as it would be much appreciated.

I say try not to worry about it.

The interacial dating scene is over 30 years old now. People have had time to get used to it.

If you like someone, don't let race stop you. If it freaks the guy out, give him time to get over it. Usually this takes from a few days to a few months.

Don't ever let your fantasy of what others probably might think keep you from doing what you want.




Personally, I like red beards.

I live in Wyoming, where honestly, there are hardly any mixed race relationships. However, I am in a mixed race relationship--my boyfriend is black and I am white. Not only is it mixed race, but very much mixed culture. He is from the Dominican Republic (it's in the Carribean Sea)and speaks only Spanish. The language is the biggest barrier we have faced, not race at all

We go out together and some people may look twice, but mostly it's just because there aren't many black people around here and even I will say that I used to look twice when I saw a black person.

I haven't experienced any open racism at all. My mother is fully supportive; her motto: "If he treats you good and makes you happy, I don't care if he's black, white, purple, or green". My father is a racist, but he knows that I don't care about race, so he hasn't said anything negative about my relationship, in fact he has actually been supportive.

I love holding my boyfriend's hand and looking at the difference in color. The contrast is beautiful. I was holding hands with a white friend the other day and I looked down and the colors were almost the same. The only thought that ran through my head was, how boring. The difference in skin color is beautiful to me, but that's not why I'm with my boyfriend; I'm with him because I love him and because he treats me the way a woman ought to be treated.

I don't know if this makes sense, but it's all true. Race has nothing to do with the heart

it doe make sense, and i hope it works ou for you. however i found that it is far more socialy acceptable for a ' black guy' to be seen publically dating a 'white' lady than it is for a 'white' guy to date a 'black' lady'. i think the balance is quite unfair?

Is that what you found?

I find that odd.

I always thought that the prevalence of White Women / Black Men relationships were not in how people accepted them, as with how they perceived themselves.

Both Black men and White women suffer a similar kind of discrimination. They are often thwarted in their ambitions, and they culturally face barriers to employment, etc. Maybe they have lots of similarities. This is just a guess though.

My relationship is White male/ Black Female. I suppose that a white wife might be more accepted than a black wife if the people judging were those who count a wife as a trophy. A black man "got an excellent catch", whereas a white man "could do better." In the end, though, it's really not worth thinking about what "the others" think. Even if both husband and wife are from the same background, picking a spouse because of what the neighbors think makes a marriage doomed for failure.

I suggest you remember a certain royal who married to please "the others". Such marriages don't work out the best, you know.