Scum Of The Earth (And Beyond)...

Evil, foul-smelling, wretched, slimy, purple, egotistical delinquents! Gargh! How dare they take over my column, scaring my readers, giving them bad replies to letters, and generally being a horrible lot? And dash this stupid console! *Kicks it.*

What ho, everybody! Welcome back to the real Ask Prof, column of humour, science, politics and many more things that I had not originally intended to write about. After last issue's mix up with authors we're back to normal, and ready to dish out the service you have, no doubt, come to expect from us. This week I will discuss with you the theory behind keron-based technology, a system that far supersedes your electricity-using appliances.

But first, allow me to explain exactly what happened the other week. I write Ask Prof on a console that emulates your - what was it - operating system, a crude system called Windows. This console is not linked to the rest of the Big C Network, let alone the Space Station Computer because, no matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn't get this Windows to integrate with the rest of my network, probably because it doesn't use an operating system. Why do I use this console? I simply want to emulate Earth conditions as closely as possible, so I can write this column in a format more suited to h2g2.

Now, because this console is not linked to the main network, its remote infiltration was not detected by the Computer, and the Morphs were able to control it and use its data to take over Ask Prof as well! When I sat myself down to write it, I found only a blank screen and a complete unwillingness to work in any useful manner. I assumed an Earth computer virus had somehow taken hold of it, and set about trying to wipe its hard disk, as you call it, in an attempt to remedy the problem. Alas, the Morphs had even taken control of its boot-up operating system, so I couldn't do a dashed thing! No Earth virus could do this, I thought to myself, so I began searching for spacecraft in the area who could be using some other technology for their mischievous purpose.

It wasn't long before the Computer discovered the Morph battle ship in an orbit opposite to our own, where it was hiding using some new cloaking technology which I couldn't yet detect without directly searching for it (needless to say, that error's been fixed, and the new technology seized). I took the Space Station round to them, stormed the ship, interrogated a few of the drones, and finally had the ship destroyed. There have been an uncomfortable number of Morph ships popping up out of Dimensional Breaches, a means I employ to move from reality to reality. In this one, you see, the Morphs are extinct, but they keep finding ways of returning. I'll have to set up a DNA blocker in the Space Between Dimensions sometime. But anyway, the Morphs have gone again and you may lower your defences, however ineffective they may have been on the evil race.

As I've said, this week I'm going to talk about keron technology, the most efficient use of subatomic particles for charge carriage. As you'll no doubt remember, I talked about electricity in issue nine, where I explained at great length about the subatomics, the race of sentient particles capable of manipulating the other particles we know of (and some you don't know). If you looked closely enough you'll see I mentioned kerons, and that was a teaser on my part.

Kerons (pronounced key-rons) are charge carriers, much like electrons. They are about a million times smaller than a gluon (which, if you didn't know, is smaller than a quark, which in turn is smaller than a proton or neutron), and operate on the same energy basis as their larger equivalents. Energy is not transferred by an electromagnetic field - instead, like with heat, energy is passed along its stream, if you will, by kerons bumping into each other, transferring both their kinetic energy and electrical charge. The next keron moves along, bumps into another, and so on. An initial e-m pulse is still required to start off the reaction, however. The kerons move along isolated pathways, constructed in controlled conditions in factories and laboratories, and made up of multiple rings of eight nerons.

Surely you're thinking this only means that it is possible to have narrower wires. Well, there's far more to kerons than that! While the size of electrical components has been drastically reduced (the very reason why I'm able to wear most of my greatest inventions in one small wrist-bound device), the greatest impact has been in the semiconductor and transistor realm of technology. Despite being analogue in nature, transistors used here on Earth only ever give out two values - on or off, electricity sent or not let through. They are digital. However, though keron transistors operate on the same principals that stop them from being used in an analogue fashion, their meaning of digital is different. On Earth, as I've said, there are two values. For keron transistors, there are sixteen. Surely you can already imagine the benefits of using hexadecimal-based circuits instead of binary!

Machines are faster, need not process so many strings of data, can perform multitasking to a remarkable frequency and can now even be incredibly tiny. For example, one of your central processing units for computers, say a 2GHz (pathetically slow), would in fact be about the size of an electron. Yes, my friends, really that small! It took me months working at the Science Institute of New Xanthos to perfect equipment capable of handling the constructed chips and circuits, let alone create the keron pathways.

Further benefits of the hexadecimal system are in the field of data storage. Although we use different scales and systems for valuing data quantities, I will try and draw up some comparisons to Earth technology. One bit in Earth terms can be two values, of course, while a byte (eight of those bits) can be any out of 256. A keron-bit has sixteen values, and a keron-byte, while using up the same amount of space as an Earth-byte, 286,331,154. Thinking along these lines, a keron-gigabyte of data would be around 307,445,735,600,000,000 possible values, while an Earth-gigabyte is the basic 274,877,906,900. Put simply, an Earth-gigabyte can hold merely 0.00009% the amount of its keron equivalent, and it takes up more physical space!

The wonders of science! The thing I laugh at is the thought of how long it will take your civilisation to work out exactly where the kerons are to be found! And then how to manipulate them... And then how to make circuits... And then how to implement them... And then how to actually convert all your electrical systems for use of the smaller technology! Goodness me!

Incidentally, in case you were wondering, the subatomic race is capable of moving the kerons and nerons about, but, as I've mentioned before, they are now under control and cannot disrupt things. I have backup measures in case they do break free of the control, so nothing will happen to me! Ha-hah!

Sorry, I got carried away with my tremendous power again. My ego does that to me sometimes, usually as a result of some new victory over the Morphs. Still, while my computer scans the surrounding area for reinforcements, here are the letters and answers for you. Enjoy!

Two letters this week, both thought up with great care. Enraged at the Morphs' apparent domination over Earth MaW and his penguins put the Morphs in the know, while Frankie Roberto of The FR Interview fame pops in with his own scientific query.

Firstly, my dear penguins and MaW, I greatly appreciate your concerns over both my well-being and that of this planet. Though I do pity it sometimes, I am still happy to protect it. Your message got to the Morphs in time for them to write a reply, and I have it here for you:

'What is this nonsense of which you speak? Have you foolish mortals not yet grown up, and realised that fact that magic does not exist!? Mention it not before us.

'As regards our supremacy over the Earth and all upon it, it is perfectly possible for us to remain in control of the planet using fear, which we have already instilled within your hearts. Your insolence and persistence in insulting us will not go unpunished! We will find your Guild and Ministry and have it destroyed from space, we tell you!

'And the Professor is perfectly safe, though somewhat, shall we say, confused. He cannot defeat us from where we lie, as we are again using our better stealth techniques to our advantage. The Earth is under our rule and will stay so! Praise be to the Master Brain!'

As you can see, they were pretty dashed annoyed at your stepping out of the apparent line. Still, once they're infuriated like that they can become quite irrational and easy to defeat. Plus, they are completely oblivious to the existence of magic. Now, I'm not trying to say that what they do to other races is fair, but using magic against them would put them at an unsporting disadvantage, unprepared as they are for it. Still, thank you for your concern once again!

Greetings, Frankie, good to have you write in! An excellent question you have here for my answering, no doubt about that. On Earth the concept of looking into the past by looking into the distance has been widely discussed, and people ponder on the scientific benefits of it. Though it is possible to transmit other energy at faster speeds, light does travel at the velocity discovered by mankind, and therefore shows us visions of times gone by.

In a Universe of this technological state, however, telescopes rarely use light as a means of obtaining images from far off worlds. Instead, they use a bipolar energy flux which they can transmit through subspace to the planet or other celestial body in question, and receive back again in merely a few minutes with structural changes matching the light waves reflecting off the planet. Using this method they only look back up to an hour and a half's worth of history.

Using Earth methods, however, it would indeed be possible to look further into our past the further away from Earth we travelled. Of course, the telescope would have to be really powerful, and we would have to discount light dispersion and diffraction around other bodies, as it is rare to find a direct light path from Earth to the viewing point that has existed for long enough for the light to get through.

Thank you for your question!

Well, that's it for this week, my friends. Now that the Morphs have been vanquished yet again, the Universe is a better place, and you may sleep soundly. Until two weeks' time!

Yours with aching trigger fingers,

- Professor Christopher Tonks

Minister for Science & Technology for the Alabaster House

GalaGroup Overseer to San Beta
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