h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A642647

A beginners guide to queuing for the uninitiated.

I'm first!!

Thanks for your help and encouragement Bossel

The concealed queue - like the ones at bus stops?

wonderful!

If it wan't so late at the moment I'd be running out as we speak to find a qeu to join or perhaps i should ring a call-centre to get put in line ?

deackie, I liked the article the first time I noticed it, is looking very nice now... you know the worst queues in modern britain?

BT Callminder. Man I really really loath that thing - of the please hold the line whilst we try to connect you, the number you are calling knows you are waiting thing wasnt bad enough, when it stats then to ask you soo sllloooooowwwwwwlllyy if you want to leave a message, its like, ARRRGGH. I mean, if someones engaged, then fine, I accept that fact, and am free to join a special type of cue whereby I am waiting for my turn seperete from otheres who may also ne waiting their turns, and whichever person rings just after your mate or whoever iti s is off the phone advances, thats the way I like it, and the engaged tone dont cost you any money. BUt the call minder, with its painfully slow little computerised messages. DOnt BT know how much money a public phone will swallow if the person you are contactingis engaged? Of course they do, how else will they pay for the new 3rd generation of mobile phones? Queue rage? I'll give you enforced lack of random queue rage - I lost 2 quid on one urgent phone call from a call box thanks to callminder. Should it have cost me 20p instead? Of course not, it should have cost me 10p. but of course they put the minimum charge up aswell didnt they, oh yes indeed.



You pays yer money, you takes yer chance. vp

"please wait whilst we try to connect you, the person you are calling knows you are waiting"
No they don't, cause its my Dad and he hasn't got a clue how to use it but, if yourve noticed the ringing noise you get when the person is on the phone, is a higher pitched ring than when they are not on the phone and can answer well that is how it works with me using a mobile to ring a BT line

'Your call is important to us, and when an operator is free, will will connect you as soon as possible.'

*muzak*

This is great

I like...

Stay ,
WD

"I'm sorry but no one is availible to deal with your call at the current time, please go bother another train company" why can't they just be honest? "we are unable to answer your call, because we are maximising profets by employing as few people as possible and puting your life in jepady by not maintaining the safty of track on the routes which you most probably want to travel, ever thought about going by car?"

just doesn't have that same "ring" to it...

Great stuff... any plans to add an International Queuing Rules section?

There was a large amount of interesting queueing theory involved with the lunch queue at my old college. The queue generally started building as early as ten minutes before the doors would open (for the very hungry or people who had stopped working and gone to check their post far too early), and grew steadily, meaning that if you arrived as lunch actually started you had 50 people in front of you and would have to wait another 5 to 10 minutes to eat. This led to much discussion on exactly when to arrive in order to have the optimally small queueing time. Somewhere around 7 to 5 minutes before the scheduled time seemed to work, though depended of course on other people's actions.

Another interesting feature of this queue is the unwritten rule that if one of your friends is waiting in the queue, and the start of the queue is not too far back from them, then you may jump into the queue to talk to them, and nobody really minds, as long as you don't jump too far, and there is only a few people jumping at once. Of course, an unwritten rule like that will occasionally get abused. The situation is analogous to a large version of the prisoners' dilemma (A509690) - if everyone were to try to jump the queue then the whole thing would break down, it would be a huge mess and everyone would lose out, whereas if only a few do then basically everything works, though those who jump gain a small advantage to the detriment of the 'cooperators' (i.e. those following the queue rules).

Add to this two extra interesting features of this queue:

1. There is a door from outside the building right next to the where the midsection of the queue usually is. This means that it is relatively easy to jump the queue without many people behind you noticing, plus a large group of friends can enter all at the same time and jump the queue without having to pick a spot to jump in - they just walk in the door and stop there. This gives an extra incentive to arrive at the queue ahead of time so as to be in the queue ahead of the door, so you avoid being pushed back 10 places when a large group enters.

2. There are people's rooms up a staircase next to the start of the queue, and that is the only staircase for access to those rooms. This means that people have to walk up through the queue to get to their rooms, so queuers are used to this apparent (but not actual) queue jumping. This makes it easy for the queue jumper to pretend that they are going upstairs, when in fact they are checking to see if any of their friends have a higher position in the queue they can join at. Or worse go upstairs to really visit a friend, then come back downstairs and join the queue at the start rather than barging back down the queue to the legal start. Of course the layout of the queue is such that the only witnesses to someone jumping into the queue at the end are those who are about to get lunch anyway, so are less likely to glare disapprovingly and tut under their breath.

A final (and this time good) feature of this queue is that due to the layout of the kitchen and eating area, people who have just picked up lunch have to cross through the queue at right angles in order to go to the eating area. The combination of plates full of food and a crossover could be potentially dangerous, but in practice very few accidents occur, and the beneficial aspect (being able to see what's on the menu as it crosses through the queue) outweighs the risk.

Phew, I didn't realise there was that much to that queue until I started writing

Hope some of it is useful

That Henry was a truly beautiful piece of queue deconstruction. It sounds fantastic

*applauds* maybe the entry could have a few examples of real-life queues to illustrate special features like those...

What a entry!

I have a couple of suggestions for you to consider.

Firstly, the motorway queue, where for instance, three lanes narrow into two. Most people see the signs early and get into the two lines ahead of time, others zoom in the outside lane and cut in at the last moment. The IAM (Institute of Advanced Motorists) suggests a change to this so that everybody uses all three lanes and that the queuers 'zip' letting one vehicle in at a time. In fact this system could be used for any type of two lanes into one situation.

Secondly, the doctor's queue. In some surgeries, where there is no appointment system, the last person in gives the next a card, or simply tells them, so that you know who you're after. (Has this system mostly died out with the advent of microphones and speakers in surgeries?)

Finally, supermarket queue etiquette. A polite shopper with a trolley load full will often let someone immediately behind him/her with a loaf of bread and a bag of sugar go first.

Good entry

The motorway queue reminded me of another example of prisoner's dilemma in queueing - if theres lots of congestion on the motorway and everyone is creeping forwards, apart from the 'cheaters' who zoom up the hard shoulder. If everyone were to do that then the hard shoulder would be blocked as well, and emergency services wouldn't be able to get through - bad for everyone, but as long as just a few cheat, they get a small advantage to the detriment of the majority who obey the rules.

The motorway queue is a little different - it won't overly mess up things if people all go ahead, but at the moment people think of it as cheating and frown if someone does it.

Yes. However, if everyone did as the IAM suggests, then the 'cheats' would not make headway at everyone else's expense (unless they zoom down the hard shoulder, that is). I'd back that; it's a fairer system.

I'm afraid I'm so sick of the zoomers (we're all in the same jam every morning after all) that I just don't let them in.

They're much more wary of bending their shiny new BMWs than I am of bending my 1,000,000 year old rust heap that I always win that one. And, I suspect, if they did hit me I'd win that one too. (insurance wise, I mean)