h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We`d like to welcome all our readers to the new-look conversation forum of the S*T*A*T*S Bureau of Innuendo, Rumour, Idle Speculation and Big Fat Fibs. We are now based in our new communications nexus at S*P*A central where we are handily located close to the sources, targets and victims of our products. Previous readers will continue to enjoy our high quality slime and outrageous gossip which is aimed at a higher standard of inaccuracy than that put out by our competitors. For a full backlog of previous rumours please go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F77644?thread=144307. This service is free to our regular readers and contributors. In the next few issues we will endeavour to bring you the very latest in scurilous rumours about sea and the bunch of losers she has chosen to surround herself with Thank you for your patience.

the S*P*A is an odd place to put a S*T*A*T*S establishment... but whatever...

Just part of the tormenting process sea

well the S*P*A* is a very odd thing

They can base their little talk show here, Ma'am. It'll make it easier for us to find them when we need to.

Do, ummmm, continue. Please.

Chief

the entity you know as sea is really a sinister collective of suited men working for the milk marketing board, trying to get us to enrich our lives with dairy products via subliminal messaging and hidden coercion.

Beware the one named Tonks for he is not all he seems to be.

No, I am in fact more. I am everything. I am omnipresent, I am omniscient, I am omnipotent. I control the Omniverse. At least, I will as soon as I get all my Space Between Dimensions technology up and running...
And you can't make up any new rumours about /me/ anyway!

we can try

:::OFFICIAL S*T*A*T*S RUMOUR No 10:::

After extensive investigation S*T*A*T*S can confirm that all Prof C Tonks much vaunted technology is either clockwork driven or powered by little hamster wheels.

Hey, what's wrong with hamsters, hmm? Much cheaper than your average power generator.

hampsters kidnapped from loving homes and forced to work under cruel, vile, in-hamster conditions while sea cracks a bullwhip over their furry little hamster heads.

And this all assuming she can fit into every one of my inventions, of course?

over them, not in with them. the little, helpless darlings are soo tired... and soo hungry...

I contend that the hamsters are well cared for, have two months holiday time every year, and are supplies with fresh elderberries every day. We have nothing to hide and are willing to show the world the hamsters.

Chief

Aw... poor ickle thangs... In another reality perhaps, but not /this/ one!

Hey! You can't show the world the hamsters!
You can't open up any of my technology for a start - it'd render the warranty void.

I was just going to show them the tapes. That's right, we monitor the safety of each and every one of the little darlings remotely. And show them amusing movies while they work so that they do not become bored.

Chief

curses! it almost worked!
oh, well, we'll just have to find another way to spy on Prof. Tonks.
back to the drawing board....

What do you mean /we/ monitor them? I thought we were talking about my technology as a whole (which actually uses Gelectron-based generation), not the stuff I supply for S*P*A.