h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

... and poppies grew in their graves.

Meanwhile, a group of party- goers had found what might once have been Michael Flatley glistening in the moonlight. Of the leprechaun there was no sign... only a faint whiff of pipe smoke lingered in the air. Peter looked up at the cold air, where the moon and stars shone like hard glass.

"He's out there somewhere... watching, waiting..."

There was a cry "Hey, they've got Balor the Demon God drunk and doing the limbo. You gotta see this!" They all hurried back to the party.

Meanwhile, in the Land of Oz, Dorothy and her little friends were about to find out what was lurking Somewhere Over The Rainbow. Happily tripping around a bend in the yellow- brick road, she spotted a small green figure squatting by the side of the road, watching.

"How peculiar" she tittered, "He looks so sad- shall we try to cheer him up?"

"Good idea" growled Lion. As they ambled over to the waiting figure, it raised a small green hat.

"Top o' the morning to ye" it said pleasantly, "Would ye like to see whats in me Magic Bag?"

Later, there was a great hue and cry, but the murderer was never found. As the Chief of Munchkin Police put it, "Hell, we're just characters in a children's novel. This is Ed McBain, Thomas Harris territory- we're in way over our heads"

Meanwhile, back at the party, the limbo competition was about to go horribly wrong...

...because nobody noticed that on the other side of the limbo stick was a trapdoor to Hell. It was Janet's turn, and she would have fallen into the firey pit had not she...

Hit her head on the bar and knoked herself out.

At which point, the entire house began to melt and be suched into the Door to Hell like molassas down a drain.

Peter said, "...

... Jane and I have had a lovely time here, but things are getting a little wierd, so we might just call it a night"
"Nooo, staaay" cackled the beckoning Hell - nymphs, wreathed in foul-smelling flame.
"No, really, I have a big presentation tomorrow, and I really need to get home..."
At this point he was interrupted by the horde of nymphs who clustered around him, clutching at him, dragging him down...
"One of us, one of us!" they chanted.
"Well, what the hell. One more drink can't hurt, can it?"

Jane began to slap Peter until sense was driven into his thick scull.

"We've got to leave now!" she screamed, grabbed Peter, and pushed a fat man into the Hell-hole, momentarily plugging it.

They ran to the door, but just as it opened, Jane remembered something important...

"Ive fogot my hair brush and peter theirs ssomething I have to tell you"

Peater turned around with a stunned look on his face. "What"

...........

"I'm pregnant!" squeeled Jane!

Meanwhile, Jane's twin sister Janet was running down the stairs with suitcasses when she, too, remembered something very important she had to tell Peter...

" Peater Im Im PREGNAT"
The rumbling noise fell silent.
Peater Lookd stuned he started to say something but couldent.
"What, But I have NEVER sleptd with you"
"OH that said Jane its simple were ............

...conjoined twins, separated, but still share the same oviaries.

Meanwhile, in the Old Testament, Jacob was feeling tired after counting the sheep. His wife, Rachel, said...

... "Jacob, why hast thou not begotten me any sons?"
"A pox on all women!"he snarled, turning over in the bed, "I must search all day for a lost sheep to make a Technicolour Dreamcoat out of, yet all thou'st think about is begetting. Fie, woman, my bones are tired; I have a headache"
Martha, however was persistent. Jacob thought longingly of the peacefulness of his windswept hillside... and the companionship of the sheep.
"Thine brother Jehosephath hath begotten many sons, although all know he 'wears a crooked cap'. Who will look after me in mine old age when thou hast gone to Jeho- he who I must not name?"
Jacob was about to suggest that she should get a randy young toyboy like Jehosephath's wife had done, when there was a shimmer of white light, a twinkle of harps and an angel appeared at the foot of the bed. He smiled benevolently.

"O, rejoice now Rachel! For I tell thee, thou *shalt* have a child!"
"Oooh!" she squealed, "Is this not wonderful news Jacob?"

But Jacob had scarpered out the window, headed for his quiet hillside and the silence of the lambs.

Meanwhile, back at the party...

the entire castle had been destroyed and Peter, Janet, and Jane were in a cab heading to town. On the way, Janet thought she saw something in the woods.
"Is that a...

things were turning nasty. Peater had tried to run away but jane had shot him with the zombie zapper 2000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.
but before anyone could react soot came falling dow the chimney.
all the warewolfs,zombies,vampies,scobadivders,fish,space men and anything elese that was present backed away from the chimny.
"Oh No" Count Draclua Stutterd "ittts himmmmmm oh no plese not him"
and a black boot came thru the fire place folwed by a red fur coat
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" the croud shouted

It was evil Robo-Santa, created to spread joy to children, but had standards too high to name anyone "nice". Now it is his goal to destroy all the naughty little boys and girls on earth!

"Well," said Jane, "This does put a damper on things, doesn't it?"

"HO HO HO" intoned the Robo Santa evilly, then adding "Fatal execution error. Please contact your system advisor. This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Daaaaisy, Daaaisy....." It then collapsed in a sparking, twitching heap of scrap metal, which caught fire.
"Yikes" said Peter, "Lucky for us it ran on Windows NT"
But now the curtains had caught fire, and the flames were spreading... a section of the ceiling collapsed, blocking off the front hall.
"To the ceiling! Women and grubs first!"
There was a mad stampede for the stairs. Peter glanced around, looking for Jane/Janet (either would do), only to see her being carried off by the mad Russian monk Rasputin who, in a clever bit of cross- forum travel, had infiltrated the thread.
"She iz mine, all mine, ahahaha!!!!" he commented, elbowing his way through the throng with the struggling Jane(t) over his shoulder.
"Never!" cried Peter, in hot pursuit.

"Oh, Peter," said Jane, "help!"
"Oh, Jane," said Janet, "help!"
"Oh, Janet," said Peter, "help!"
"Oh, Peter," said Janet, "help!"
"Oh, Jane," said Peter, "help!"
"Oh, Janet," said Jane, "you still have my coupon book."

"Dont wory Ill save you!" yelld peater.
Sudenly ther was a lage crah and the sealing collaped

And then they found themselves being rescued by the fire department.

Who terned out to be a load of ravnos ware-wolfs.
"oh sh**" said Peater
"what?" asked evrone
"look up there in the sky" said Peater
They all looked up and saw..............

Alien space craft circling the moon, firing lazers at some wiches on bloomsticks!