h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Especially lame ones. In white buildings.

If we're going to designate all of the world as being inside a pen, it'll require some paperwork... yeah, just sign here, here and initial here in the resignation section, sign here, oh, no no need to read it I don't think...

Do you just carry reams of paperwork around with you on the off-chance, Jodan?

Since I can be the President until I get tired of it, I am not a lame duck. Nice try, though. I have always admired the creativity of the VP, but have no intention of signing anything he hands me without first vetting it through several attorneys and my astrologer.

Of course not, Bagpuss, silly. I have teams of camels to actually do the carrying. I just carry a small index... you know, I look up Sheep Statue Acquisition form and see it's in camel 48. Problem solved.

Whose attorneys? I've already had my attorneys look at it, and they're very much pleased with the prospect of moving their offices into the Presidential Wing.
So there's nothing to worry about, you see?

Jodan, some of us are destined to be President and some of us are destined to be shepherds. But it's okay since you like sheep so much. I'm sure you'll find being a shepherd very fulfilling in your later years, when I'm dead and gone and you have plenty of time to watch the sheep and think about how you hounded me to my premature death.

Destined to be President, pah. I had to bribe you with promises of personal armies and candy to run for President. Pah, I say. Pah!

Where is that candy, by the way?

Well, as you can see from Section 14, Clause F, you get the candy upon signing these papers.

It's probably a good thing I'm on a diet. I can eat all the and I want, however. Gotta love that lycopene.

Besides, there was a popular saying when I was a lass - "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."

Well, if you'll consult the Whiskey clause...

Too late. You've already tipped your hand. But cheer up. There will always be another day to try to trick me into resigning. It will give you something to look forward to.

So, did you have a healthy lunch or are you eating Little Debbies?

*relaxes on pile of cushions and wonders what Little Debbies are*

*sigh* I haven't had a little Debbie in a long, long time. Leavemealone

*pouts about not staging a successful coup*

Never mind, I'm sure lots of people have staged unsuccessful coups and gone on to lead long and happy lives.

...or they've ended up with their heads on pikes.

Some have, true, but attaching human heads to fish is still not an exact science.

I think he'd look better with his head on a sturgeon.

Little Debbie is a brand name of cakes and cookies. I'll buy you some. My favorites are the caramel cookie bars. There are tons of varieties.

http://www.littledebbie.com/

Which reminds me, we need more Stuckeys pecan rolls.