h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

this is a standard issue titanium needle, isn't it?

[PA System] If by 'titanium' you mean 'wood', then yes. Yes it is.

GW-Yes, it's wooden now. We used to use plastic needles, but then someone started burning the fields. Now the needle'll burn too, in that eventuality.

such a cute little puddy cat

*The Gecko Warrior looks puzzled at first, but then remembers the tiger*

GW-Oh, right. Cute.

hm.
darn, i was going to burn it too.


*takes a hose and sprays tons of water on all the haystacks*

GW-Just so you know, we'll be detracting the use of our Stadium's water from your first STUMPED paycheck. With that much money, probably your next four or five, really.

*The tiger emerges from behind one of the haystacks, sopping wet. She growls, and shakes most of the wetness off - which results in the fur going *poof* and the menacing visage of her to be diminishes slightly. To bad the menace itself is still intact.*

[Sweety] Roar! *pounce*

diminished*

*mid-ricochet, the hatch on Kalia's pinball flies open, and she tumbles head-over heels toward the haystacks.*

AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

*THUNK*

*...rowwwwr?*

*Kalia lands on the tiger, who becomes extremely angry and starts after Wonko, because although Kalia looks very human, metal is no substitute for meat.*

uh... ok...

*throws a dagger into the tiger's mouth*
bl**dy annoyances.


*the bales of hay fail to hold upright now that they are soaked and sort of spread themselves out*

That might work to spread them out a tad, though you'll still be left with fairly large lumps. The job's probaby a percent or two easier, I guess.

Now, let's see how NYC allows his tiger to respond to the threat.

[Corrigible grins.]

Gecko Warrior-You know,....making the bales of hay smaller might not be the best strategy. You need things between you and hungry tigers....

*The dagger lodges itself on the roof of the tiger's mouth. She squeals in pain at this infliction on a particularly tender spot, and goes into convulsions, flopping about, trying to get it out. Dyckman is not amused.*

[Dyckman] That's @#$* animal cruelty! That #$@$% tiger is an endangered species! You @#$*, ^%#(@! She was like a daughter to me! I'll kill you!

*Dyckman leaps the barricades and runs towards Wonko, screaming, with a knife, followed by Villiers and Lehrman in Mayhem-issue goon uniforms and cattle prods*

[Edwards] Wait, is that legal? Can he do that? Let's get a response from our panel judges for this match...

...*ding!* aaand that sound means it's accepted! Wonko will just have to find the needle amidst a very irate tiger, a temporarily insane animal trainer, and two red-shirted goons! Wow! Our ratings will hit the roof!

*Gecko Warrior is getting ready to have the crop duster fly in to dust all of the hay*

*pulls out the monofilament whip and falls into a ratehr ironic animal-trainers' stance*



[To Judges] Can I kill 'em?

[Corrigible] No!

GW-Ouch....*Watches as the pinball score drops a bit. It's still in the top ten scores, but is a few ranks lower* Rule of villainy number 24: It's easier to gain forgiveness than permission.

*flicks the monofilament whip out and sort of slices the tiger into a lot of small pieces*