h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Since I went to uni (last year), I've discovered one foolproof method for getting on with flatmates.

1) Realise they're in exactly the same situation as you!

2) If you've got a problem, tell them v. quickly. People can be very reasonable.

3) Don't be afraid to ask about things you aren't really sure about (in my case, cooking curry). People like you more if you flatter them at first. Then they'll probably do the same to you and then you just accept each other.

TDiD

Nottingham Uni

very true, especially nr.2!: tell your flatmates that you have a problem while it is still relatively trivial and before you get too emotional.
Think about how and when to tell them. Think how you would like somebody to criticize you.

- Talk early, before you get emotional. Don't think your flatmate annoys you on purpose (why would s/he? Unless she or he really likes living with a sourpuss...) Something may be important for you, but not for them - how are they to know? And if it isn't important to them, they might not always remember it, so "I asked you not to do that and you did it again!!" gets you nowhere.
- In front of others just before that tv show starts - bad move. Even if you just stepped in the overflowing garbage heap s/he promised to bring down last tuesday...
- NEVER EVER generalise! "You never do the washing up!" will only get you "but I did, just last saturday, see???"
- Ask, don't demand. Try to think about asking a favour instead of demanding your rights: your right to a quiet night restricts their right to a party .
- Giving your flatmates a warning that not everything is nicey-nice sits better, too - they might surprise you and apologize if they don't have to defend their actions against a fury. This works especially well with nr.3...."btw, maybe we should talk about that bathroom cleaning sometime, and could you show me how to do that stew/eye make-up/handstand/laundry..." can work wonders .

My experiences showed that many people dislike criticizing others as much (or more) as being criticized. Try to think of something nice to say, or advice to ask, no matter how trivial, or maybe you were inconsiderate and should apologize while sliping a bit of criticism in... This is not a strategy to make them feel better, but to prevent feeling like a bitching grumbler yourself. You won't like yourself in that role.

All that is useful to prevent problems, too. "I have to use the bathroom later for quite a while, any protests?" gets imitated fairly soon .

If you have to talk with others to realize that there are problems or because you have to get it off your chest - do it with *your* friends only, never with mutual friends or (worse) another flatmate. Ganging up to pick on somebody will not make that person see reason, he/she will only feel attacked.

I have to agree with the last point about not ganging up. I shared a flat with 5 other girls in my first year at uni. One I got along very well with, and I thought my relationship with the others was pretty good as well. We even agreed to share a flat again the following year.

This was until four people decided that they didn't want to share with the other two of us. Instead of sitting down and discussing this as as group, they went to the accomodation office and got everything worked out behind our back, leaving us struggling to find a place we could afford for the next year.

The reason they gave for this was that they didn't like my boyfriend visiting me, even though we spent most of our time in my room anyway. It was however OK for their male friends to come round and visit and party until the early hours of the morning, especially the night before important classes/exams/tutorials etc. We had a 'flat meeting' where they basically sat down and said we don't want to live with you and we don't want your friends to visit you. That was not a nice experience.

I still feel pretty hurt by this a few years down the line - I can't help feeling that had we sat down and talked about the situation it wouldn't have ended as nastily as it did. The worst part was having to get through the rest of the year in the flat, with neither side particularly talking to the other.

I later found out that the whole thing was down to one girl who was upset her boyfriend had gone back to the States, and didn't like the fact that mine was still around. She basically arranged the whole thing, and everyone else was too scared of her to do anything about it.

If you do have issues, then the best thing to do has to be to talk to the person concerned, and not let it fester. Don't drag more people into a situation than you absolutely have to, and don't go behind people's backs.