h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*shuffles in, drops a hasty curtsey*

*waits to be noticed*

Lady Shea finds a hasty curtsey lying on the floor.

"Pardon me, young village girl. Mayhap thou droppest this errant curtsey?"

*stammering..in awe of the great lady*

Yes ma'am, it were just that me mam said that there was these great ladies here, ma'am, and we thought that you might be wanting a maid and all...

*wipes nose on sleeve*

*looks hopeful*

*looks young girl up and down*

Canst thou recite poetry, my child?
Dost thou knowest how to lace up corsets?
Canst thou stickest thees and thous and wherefores and even sts in appropriate and innappriate places?

Oh yes, ma'am, I know how to lace a corset better'n you ever seen one laced before - we had boarders, ye see, in the village, and they was always wanting help with this and that...

I aint never set the tables, m'lady, for a big feast, but I know that I can learn real quick, honest I can, and I can polish the silver up a treat for ye.

I can speak real good, like me mam taught me, and I can count, and read a bit and I can write my own name - there's a little bit of poetry I know - I love a sunburnt...a sunburnt...oh golly, I knew this yesterday...oh, well, I can learn them real quick, m'lady, and I don't never forget them neither...well, not usually...

Oh please let me stay - we've run out of room in the house, and if I canna' get the work here, then I've nowhere to go, save the streets - you wouldn't want a poor honest girl like me on your mind, now, would ye? Oh please, m'lady, I learn real quick, I do, I do...*sniffle*

Well dost thou havest a clean face underneath all that dirt, girl? And by what name shall we callest thee by?

*wipes face - smearing the dirt around* yes'm, I scrub up real nice, I do

Me name? Well, by your ladyships leave, *hastily curtseys again* me mam named me Odette, but I nivver liked it, and I was wondering *wringing her hands* if you'd choose me a new name?

*claps hands excitedly*

We wouldst be delighted. Art thou hungry? Thou shalt have something to eat whilst we ladies thinketh upon this most pressing issue. And thou mayest have a bed in the servants quarters.

Oh, thank ye ma'am, ye're too kind, really *sniffle*, and I do have a real hunger, I do, it's like there's wolves inside of me, eating everything a'fore I can get to it *looks ravenous*

Uh.. right then. Well, the first thing thou must do, ist go to the kitchens and evict the wolves. Wolves aren't seemly at a ladies table, thou knowest.

Uh, yes ma'am, that is to be sayin' I knows, ma'am, that is, I....*courtseys, rushes out*

::: Lady Shea hastily shoos her pet wolf Lycaon out the door :::

The princess listens to the scuffle outside.

"Mayhaps thou shouldst obtain a leash, Lady Shea?"

"Thou hast nothing to fear, Princess Buttercup! He is very well trained!"

Lady Shea looks outside.

"Oh dear ..."

Ah young maiden, do not be troubled by this badly trained and undiscerning animal. He is but a sheep in wolf's clothing.It doth make him interesting for the zoologist who puzzleth over the possibility that he/she can, like the oyster, reproduce itself. Come with me my dear, forsake these Ladies of the Octagonal Table. I have made overtures to them but they have been giving me the 'silent treatment' for some time now. Alas and alack, my heart bubbles so with effervescent emotion that I can overlook your lowly class. Come my lovely, Hi Yo, maiden, Away!

*whisper to Lady Shea*
Sir Mistral stealeth our Ladies Maid!!!

I heard your whisper and the beautiful timbre of your muted voice almost made me pause. But you and Lady Shea do still be in the bush, Sad, Mad or Bad, and your ladies maid doth be a pretty bird in my hand.
Still ready to serve,
Sir Mistral

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Oh Cafram I do hope that face you make be but a mask. Thou who arst so renowned for thy beauty. The delicacy of thy features being inspiration for poets, the rubiness of thy lips firing the painters to frenzy to create on their palettes the same depth of colour, why the very peaches on the trees try to turn away from the light when they view the softness of thy tinted cheeks.
As for me, I have been surveying your balcony and assessing the strength of thine ivy and drainpipes but even I, chivalrous to the core, could not bring myself to risk injury for an expression such as thou hast demonstrated. Please reveal the true visage, I beg thee.
Pawing the ground,
Sir Mistral