h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I wouldn't break down over the lap top crashing, I'd just chuck it... windows sucks, anyone knows that... I just choose it over Mac's OS since I can get programs for Windows, but I'd only have a tiny little selection for Mac...


*Saturn Girl chucks the lap top, and it breaks to little pieces against the temple wall, and a demon that looks like Bill Gates escapes from the lap top's ruins, and floats off. Saturn Girl notices her red skin, and goes to grab some aloe to rub on her skin knowing she'll have a nice brown tan by tomorrow.

The demon heads for the device that was causing windows to crash more than it would when naturally left to be a royal pain in the *ss. It finds the remote in Raven's hands, and posses him, turning him into a nerd with a white dress shirt, pocket protector, and dark dress pants up to his arm pits and the bottom hem line way above his ankles, and a bad bowl cut*

Your's Truely,
The Bombshell Goddess

ps. I'm posting from work right now... It's slow at Radio Shack on thursday nights... *sigh* I'll get around to posting more in a little bit.

*Raven is happily playing with a new palmtop in his new image when, unexplainably, it starts to play an MP3 of Enter Sandman. Raven slumps to the ground and his appearance starts to change back to normal but his hair has changed from red to blue!*

Wow, I love to annoy Metallica! You know Saturn Girl, you really shouldn't tell me weaknesses!

*Raven lights a small firand drops something into it. Seconds later every Mac in the world blows up and the whole company ceases to ever have existed.*

Doh!

*Then Raven looks down next to him, lying there is the lifeless form of a nerd who had inhabited him. Raven gives the nerd back his life but only after taking control of his mind. He makes the now immortal nerd obsessed with Saturn Girl. The nerd now starts to stalk her any creep her out at every turn!*

I really should stop watching late night films because they always have the same storyline!

Raven

All the Macs in the world blown up?! Never existed?! Now THAT is what I call good news

by the way SG, I like your new boyfriend

Boyfriend? What boyfriend? *looks around, sees stalker* Oh, him? He's just stalking me... pay no mind to him... Though I would suggest you don't act interested in me... My green eyed fireman came to talk to me, and he *rolls eyes, and jerks head to indicate the nerd* killed him! Very disgusting, and bloody. He's an obsessive Trek fan, really into all that Klingon stuff. He whips out a bat'leth, and next thing I know, my fireman's head is on the floor, and the nerd's beaming at me, and starts babbling in Klingon. I called him a petaQ, and stalked off.

Hmmm... That gives me an idea... I'll be back in a little bit, and I should be nerd free by then

*Saturn Girl leaves Golden Thighs, and looks for Raven.*

Raven, darlin', where are you?

*Nerd perks up ears as Saturn Girl calls Raven darlin'. Steam starts coming from his ears, and bat'leth emerges again. Saturn Girl sees Raven in the corner of the temple hiding in the shadows chuckling to himself, and she rushes up to him, taking him in a tight embrase, and kisses him pasionately on the lips. When she lets go of him, and backs off, leaving him dumbfounded. The Nerd rushes in, and attacks with the Bat'leth. Saturn Girl walks away chuckling to herself and spits to get the taste of Raven out of her mouth*

Your's Truely,
The Bombshell Goddess

*As the nerd rushes forward Raven raises his hand and stops him. Then with a series of complicated hand movements Raven makes the nerd turn around.*

God, your more useless than I thought! Assert yourself! Your name is Dwayne! Not petaQ! And start some of that scary stalking stuff I saw on T.V!

*With this the nerd trots away happily and starts to stalk Saturn Girl again but this time in a decidely freaky manner! In fact it's downright disgusting and I can't even describe it to you!*

Hey Satun Girl! If you want Raven that much you only have to ask!

*Raven then goes off into a dark corner of thenow rebuilt temple and starts to play an electric guitar, it sounds like Basket Case!*

Raven

You'd better come up with an imagination soon, "Imagination has gone, insert game here" and "In fact it's downright disgusting and I can't even describe it to you!". Those are cheap cop outs, and certainly not behaviour worthy of a god. Shape up, or I'll get MoG in here to disqualify that unimaginative *ss of your's.


D*mn it, that didn't work like it was supos'ta... *calls police on stalker nerd boy, and they come and take him away never to be heard from again. Apparently he's wanted for rape in five states, stalking in fourteen others and so he has no chance of getting out any time soon. Saturn Girl hears the noise coming from the electric guitar Raven's attempting to play. She shakes her head, and walks over to where Raven's hiding in the shadows, and yanks out the cord from the guitar, thus putting an end to the lack of talent. She then stalks off with the cord in her hand, twirling it idly above her head.*

Your's Truely,
The Bombshell Goddess

talk about NO imagination SaturnGirl....

I hear nerd boy got OJ Simpson's lawyers and got off scot free

jeez, battling SG would be LIKE battling a lawyer with all those side-comments...

hehe...

Now I really do need to whip your *sses. Consider the mud wrestling tag team on for whenever I finish off Raven, okay?

This is a boring coversation. The Bombed Godess is at a best a pedestrian version of a nice lady. Wrap around glasses went out of fashion in the late 80's

This is a boring conversation. The Bombed Godess is at a best a pedestrian version of a nice lady. Wrap around glasses went out of fashion in the late 80's.

~chuckles~

i think more smiting is called for SG

can we call for a ruling on this battle with raven?

*shrugs* Raven seems to have lost interest or something... It's been two days since he's responded... If he does get around to replying, then we can call for a judgement, if he doesn't within three more days, then he'll loose. Either way works for me.

Your's Truely,
The Bombshell Goddess

*Raven notices that the guitar has stopped. This is certainly a bad thing! Raven notices who has the end of the lead! Raven lughs and yanks the lead, Saturn Girl comes flying towards him. Raven takes the guitar and breaks it over Saturn Girls head! Raven then pulls out a shopping trolley filled with bins, street signs and other strange items, he then begins to beat Saturn Girl with these.*

Imagination? Imagination ? You don't know the meaning of the word! Imagination is not using someone else's bunny which you then won't let me kill! I could cope with all that! I could cope with you turning me into a nerd! I could even cope with your rather harsh and insensitive treatment of Dwayne! However, do not ever, ever, ever touch MY GUITAR!

*Raven proceeds to beat Saturn Girl with the rubbish until he has a better idea! By this time Saturn Girl is lying in a bloody mess on the floor (NOTE: I do not think beating up women/girls is good but she's a god AND she messed with the guitar plus, I'm a psychopath!).
Raven calls up some more dead things and one of them turns out to be a cute little rabbit...with a switchblade! Raven sends the others back and lets the rabbit lay into Saturn Girl, it really isn't nice!*

Sorry, my bad! I'm using someone else's rabbit now! I didn't think you could kill gods but I think this Rabbit's getting close!

*When Raven decides the rabbit's done enough (i.e. if he does any more we miht have one less Goddess!) he sends it back to the dark pit it came from and fishes some more things out of his trolley. He taks out two peices of wood and some barbed wire.*

*Raven drags the carcass and his new equipment to the top of the temple and makes a crucifix, then he wraps it in the barbed wire. Raven then picks Saturn Girl's body up and attaches it to the prickly crucifix using the barbed wire. Next he climbs down the temple and sits on an unused bin at the bottom. If you listen very carefully you'll notice he's laughing to himself!*

P.S. Sorry for the brutality but I felt that to keep up my image it needed some!

Quote the Raven...


...NEVERMORE!

Raven

wow, all that action and SG didnt even fight back!

~waits for side comment~

*Saturn Girl hangs limply from the crucifix, seemingly silent, until you realize Raven isn't the only one laughing. When Raven realizes this, he looks up at her, his eyes clearly saying "What the h*ll's wrong with this chic?". He stands and stalks up to her, grabs her by the collar of her torn blood stained tank top.*

Raven: "What's so funny?"

Saturn Girl: *between giggles* "For someone so d*mn protective of his guitar, it didn't take you long to smash it over my head....."

*Raven glares at her a minute, and gets frustrated when she doesn't shrink back in fear. He then slams her back against the barbed wire, and Saturn Girl forces herself not to flinch as he did so. He stalked back down to the bottom of the hill, his good mood now gone. He sits down on the bin at the bottom of the hill faced away from Saturn Girl, sulking over the fact that he still hasn't broken her spirit, trying to come up with a plan.*

*Without being noticed, a little lizard and a blue frog slip to the top of the temple, dragging a first aid kit along with them. The frog hides behind the crucifix, and the lizard climbs to the top. Soon the frog is hopping up with item after item, which the lizard grabs from him before he falls back to the ground for something else. Saturn Girl is still chuckling to herself, and hardly notices as the lizard, Nilpferd, starts to scamper across her body, dressing her wounds*

*Soon they have the bombshell goddess all patched up from the front, but they can't get to the back to take care of that as long as she's still got the barbed wire stuck in there. Nilpferd climbs up to her shoulder and whispers into her ear. Her head snaps up, and she unintentionally slams it back into the barbed wire behind her head. She lets out a long exotic string of vocabulary, expressing the pain, as Nilpferd dashes behind her neck, avoiding the barbed wire, so he won't be seen by Raven if he turns around to look back. Raven doesn't bother to turn and look, since he doesn't care what Saturn Girl's complaining about.*

*Nilpferd peeked out from behind Saturn Girl's neck, and saw Raven was still thinking and sulking. He whispered into her ear again, and this time she didn't slam her head into the barbed wire behind her. She pulled her arms free, being only attached enough that she was hanging, but it didn't take much effort to get loose. She reached her arms behind her, and found two parts of the wood that wasn't completely covered by the barbed wire, and she used them as points to push from, and get the rest of her body unstuck. She fell to the ground on her knees, and Nilpferd set to quick work of dressing the rest of her wounds.*

*Feeling much better, Saturn Girl silently slips off to change out of her torn, and destroyed clothing, and put on something a little less able to tear, and a little more blood stain resistant. She returns in a skin tight cat suit, and sneaks up to see what Raven's up to now. She finds him discovering that she's gone, as he grabs the crucifix, ignoring the barbed wire, and throws it down in a fit of rage. The wood splinters into pieces and spreads apart and the barbed wire springs back into something close to the roll it'd been in before, now that it doesn't have the wood to hold it back now. Raven kicks at the barbed wire, and it rolls off.*

*Saturn Girl sees an old book laying off to the side. She grabs it, and flips it over to look at the title. "Raising the Dead for Dummies" is written across the front cover in black gothic letters on the bright black and yellow design. A grin spreads across the bombshell goddess's face, and she flips the book open, flipping through the book quickly reading at a thousand words a second. As soon as she finished, she slammed the book closed, and hunted up what she needed to bring back the one person who should be able to scare Raven out of his wits.*

*Saturn Girl follows the books instructions to the letter, and waits impatiently for the whole thing to work. Soon Janis Joplin appears, Nilpferd, and Ray (the blue frog) run off to find a band to back her. Soon the whole thing is set up, so Saturn Girl stands up and lets out a piercing whistle towards Raven to get his attention*

Saturn Girl: "Hey *sshole! Come over here, and I'll show you what real music is, unlike that crap I stopped you from playing earlier."

*Raven runs over with the intent of trying to beat Saturn Girl again. She ducks away from him, this time prepared for the attack, and she gives the cue to Janis Joplin and the band that had been dug up, a mix of the many bands she'd played with. Janis Joplin starts into her version of Summertime. Raven falls to his knees, covering his ears, trying desperately to shut out the hippie music. Saturn Girl grins, and sits down on the edge of the stage, keeping an eye on Raven.*

*After listening to a few sets, and paying Janis, and the band, Saturn Girl gets up, and ties up Ravens arms and legs. She then brings in a priest, who blesses Raven with holy water. Saturn Girl sits down and watches grinning*

Your's Truely,
The Bombshell Goddess

ps. If you're going to quote a poem, do it right! It's quoth, not quote... sheesh, I thought anyone with a brain knew that. Quoth the Raven, Nevermore.

pps. Red Fish, he caught me unaware, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten such a good beating in... and I didn't have time to reply to him right then.

*Raven is slightly more annoyed than before because not only did Saturn Girl destroy his perfectly good crucifix she also made him wet! However, Raven is starting to like Saturn Girl! Anyone who laughs when they're crucified on barbed wire is good news in Raven's book! The only problem is Raven does not like the music!*

Nice work with the crucifix Sat but you are a goddess, you could have just done this!

*With this Raven breaks his bonds and stands up. Totally by chance a peice of the crucifix hits Raven in the face just as the barbed wire rolls by. Raven wraps the barbed wire around the wood and sets it alight. Raven then encloses himself in a huge steel cell with the band and sends saturn girl into a slightly smaller building next to it. Raven thought seeing as Saturn Girl was bringing back dead musicians he could try it too! Inside the building Saturn Girl is listening to an accoustic set by Kurt Cobain and she won't be let out until she's enjoying it!*

*Inside the cell Raven sets to work on the band, it really isn't pretty! Its not even disgustingly brutal, its much, much worse than that!*

Look! I see dead people splattered all around this nice cell!

*With a click of his fingers the cell and the band disappear and Raven decides that, musically, business needs to pick up. Raven draws some shapes in the sand and a huge stage appears on the other side on the river. Then on the stage the greatest band in the world ever appear. After a quick sound check Bob Marley and the Wailers play the greatest set anyone has ever heard. Then at the end they play Natural Mystic. With the sheer power of the music the desert turns into a gigantic tropical jungle. Though disappointed that Bob finished Raven is pleased with the outcome. After a quick mumble the building disappears and Saturn Girl is tied to a tree by lianas with the whole of the natural magic in the jungle controlled by Raven Saturn Girl hasn't really got much of a chance (especially because her little reptilian helpers have settled down with families and their respective spouses won't let them out) so Raven takes the opportunity to have a bit of a sit down!*

Raven

P.S. If your going to correct someone on their quotes please check what they were quoting first! I wasn't quoting the poem!

P.P.S. If anyone does know what Raven was quoting send your answers on a postcard to My Space and I'll but you a drink at the Valhalla Inn.

Sheesh, if I was either one of you two I would have given up long ago so I didn't have to read all that!!!

btw...you were qouting the wrestler Raven, were you not? (who indeed misqouted Poe and printed it on thousands of t-shirts )