h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*decides to try to help David B*

hey, I just realised, we're not meant to be in 2 places at the same time! I think that would be defying the laws of something-or-rather to do with this sort of behaviour...

*dissapears in a puff of logic*

Sad person, never heard of astral projection.

Nevertheless the contract was fulfilled.

Was it?

*Runs out the door, before he too can vanish in a puff of logic*

*I however won't disappear, neither will the bazooka*

*fires in the general direction of David*

Eat this!

*turns head quizically to Aries*

He has fulfilled the terms of the contract. He will be of no use to us if he is terminated. The bargain is complete. One day they will realise.

*turns head quizzically to DC*

What good is he anyway? At least if he's in pieces we'll be able to redecorate, I was thinking, blood red!

* as he speeds away, wonders why the villains fired a bazooka at the closing door of the weapons shop... *

*enigmatically*

They are all of use those who have provided pictures. They realise not the true cost of the contract and what will be provided.

We must preserve them for the time of manifestation.

Oh right, the manifestation.

*puts bazooka away*

May I see the contract, or at least a list of people involved so I know who not to kill.

*hands over a computer print out with the following details on it*

Yowuzupman ---- series 4 de-atomizer
Red Fox ---------- misc sword sharpening services and light saber realignment
Red Dog ---------- Kill-da-bug splat 2000 (warranty claim in progress)
Mystrunner ------- Dark Arts for Dummies
NYC --------------- Misc vicious goodies
Red Fox ---------- 3 very big guns
Dewey Demon --- Burberry Check Dash Boots

*with a tinkle of the charming but out of place bell above the shop door a lawyer in a sharp suit enters and slaps a writ on the counter infront of the assembled villains*

~Lawyer~

I am acting for my client a Mr R. Dog and the Anti-Cat Federation in a class action in connection with the fraudulent sale of shoddy and inferior goods that were not of merchantable quality nor were fit for the purpose stipulated in the contract between Mr Dog and this establishment.

We demand compensation !

*pulls gun on lawyer*

Was there anything in the contract about not killing their lawyers?

~Lawyer~

I represent the firm of Sue, Grabbit and Runn ..... I think you will find that despite the absence on an "act of malice against the legal profession" clause in the contract (an oversight on the part of Mr R. Dog I might add) we are not without our own resources.

Look outside.

*anyone looking outside would see an army of identically charcoal-grey suited Lawyers all holding identical briefcases and identical mobile phones which they are busy chattering into*

*decides his pistol isn't enough*

You are in the correct place for some assistance in that regard Aries. May I tempt you with something a little more ...... potent ?

*beckons Aries towards a large metallic purple display cabinet*

*follows*

*presses a tiny fingerprint scanner. A small red LED goes green and with a hiss the nitrogen in the display cabinet is expelled. The top slides back and an flawless obsidian shelf rises to reveal the contents of the cabinet*

Here are the creme de la creme of our wares. Weapons scavenged from across space and time many of which are still being pursued by their *ahem* former owners

Let me talk you through one or two of our baddest babies.

*brushes fingertips over an ancient sword with a dice emblazoned in the handle*

Meet Coinspinner. Coinspinner is also known as the Sword of Chance and unlike other Swords of Power, Coinspinner makes no sound when it's magic is invoked. The bearer of Coinspinner becomes incredibly, magically lucky. Anyone attempting harm to the person in possession of this sword has amazing bad luck in turn. This is arguably one if not the most powerful sword in our collection.

If Coinspinner does not take your fancy the maybe this will excite you ...

*hands Aries a metallic silver egg-shaped device*

This is a Tasp - it stimulates the pleasure centres of your opponents brain. The feeling is so intense it wil incapacitate anyone for long periods of time. It is so compelling that we only hire it out for short periods of time so that our clientele are not tempted to use it on themselves if you get my drift

Of course if that does not appeal then maybe this will.

*points to a black metallic rod about 10 inches long and 5 inches in circumference*

This is a Molecular Knife. When you press the on switch it deploys a mono-filament - a wire one micron thick but with extremely strong molecular bonds - it can cut anything, and I mean anything, and will never dull.

Lastly we have a wide selection of projectile and energy weapons from all era's and species. If I had to recomemnd one to Sir might I suggest the BlackStar Terminator snipers rifle.

*lifts an evilly attractive rifle from the case*

You'll of course notice that the Terminator is a radical advanced bullpup design. With personal body armor becoming increasingly common this baby evens the odds a bit. It features a linear magnetic acceleration system which hurls the 0.5 cal round out to around 500 feet before the self-contained propellant ignites to drive the round to extreme velocity before it hits its target much like a rail gun. This rifle delivers such a huge slug at extreme distances that by the time the enemy is aware of your position, half of them are already ex-enemies. It comes complete with a multi-optics weapon sight, barrel stabilizer guard, gas compression recoil system, integral folding bi-pod and indicator windows which will allow you to determine how many shots / energy is left in each reload as well for easily keeping track of your ammo as well.

*gently an dpatiently drums fingers*

I can see that none of these magnificent weapons has excited you. Perhaps a viewing of the second shelf may please sir.

*presses a small switch and with a hiss a second shelf appears*

Might I present the legendary "Dial-a-Gun" stolen from one of Red Dog's clones at the height of the Car War (see A601174). Our technicians have bypassed the recognition circuitry and the formidable sidearm is available for purchase. It is a versatile weapon with intelligent pro-logic capabilities allowing it to select an appropriate response to any conceiveable situation. It's Chameleon technology will convert the gun practically instantaneously to a variety of modes including various projectile and energy settings together with some special circumstance functions. In manual mode you can select from over 100 different guns. It is auto-programmeable, enabling it to cease the specifications of any weapon you encounter that is not in it's database.

The dial-a-gun is on special this week and we are prepared to throw in Alabaster Night Vision Goggles and Goo Intensifier Sprays (to enable you to avoid detection on H2G2 by any but the most sensitive and sophisticated detection systems) all for our usual fee. A bargain I'm sure you will agree.

Alternatively you might like to consider a "Flamelance". As you can see this much feared weapon from the wars agianst the evil empire of Grande Bretagne is composed of a 6 ft silver haft, topped by a large Ruby crystal finial. The mithril scrollwork hides a variety of controls that are easily mastered. Charged by sunshine or by energy cell it can deliver a penetrating beam of energy or a wide blast of lesser but still deadly power.

Lastly can I interest you in Mjolnir - also known as the Hammer of Thor. Mjolnir is enchanted and is one of the most formidable weapons known to man or god. Forged out of the mystical metal uru, the hammer is two feet long and its handle is wrapped in leather which terminates in a thong. Besides being a nearly indestructible throwing weapon, the hammer has a number of unique qualities. Firstly no living being can lift the hammer from the ground unless they are worthy. Secondly when thrown it returns to the exact spot from which it left after striking its target. Thirdly Mjolnir enables you to summon the elements of storm (wind, rain, thunder, lightning, and so forth) by stamping its handle twice upon the ground and willing it to do so. Fourthly it can open interdimensional portals, allowing you to travel to other dimensions. Fifthly you can change from god to mortal and back again by striking it's handle once on the ground. sixthly the hammer can be swung in such a way as to generate chronal displacement inertia, enabling its wielder to travel through time. Lastly y throwing the hammer and holding onto the thong you can propel yourself through the air in the semblance of flight.

*waits for an answer*