h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sorry for making you wait

The hammer sounds nice, very nice indeed.

Excellent choice although I had mentally marked you down as a Tasp kind of person.

Usual Terms ?

*places a contract in black ink on black paper in a black binder on the counter for signature*

I like the tasp as well. What are these usual terms?

Two genuine original certified photo's of your self per article purchased and no questions asked.

Sign here.

*offers pen and points to a blank black space on the contract*

Can I have a tasp as well?

*pens nib stop millimetres away from paper*

You can have the Tasp on a fixed term contract for the usual fee. Use of the Tasp is addictive and to protect our clientele we only lease it out for short periods.

In your case you look like you know how to handle it so I can extend the lease period to a maximum of three months after which it must be returned in good order to the weaponshop.

Deal ?

*as one more alternate ego has unearthed itself*

*mutters something rude to himself *

*picks up the tasp again*

I'm not going to be using it on myself.

*random black-shirted henchman type comes in*

I have, er, a request for this list of items, on behalf of Random Mayhem, Incorporated. I believe we have an tax exempt not-for-profit account with this establishment; in any case can you supply one tactical nuke, six dozen side-loading silver plated submachine guns, two flatbed trucks with bullet-proof cockpits, and a SCUD launcher?

*The henchman waits patiently*

*the henchman doses off; the only thing keeping him standing are the three spiders who now require him for housing and urban development*

*the curtains at the rear of the shop part and Darth Curvaceous emerges*

Thank you for your patience. Random Mayhem, Inc according to our records are a front for a number of extremely powerful but shadowy villainous entities. As as a consequence we are able to extend to you an open credit line.

May we ask sir to be a little more precise about the yield required for the tactical nuke and the calibre of the submachine guns so we can more accurately attend to sirs wishes. The flatbed trucks are of no concern but the SCUD launcher is a discontinued line and our middle east supplier for 2nd hand equipment has recently gone out of business. We are however able to procure several SS20 from undisclosed sources in the former Soviet Union but sir may find the price a little ~ahem~ expensive due to a recent surge in market demand.

*The henchman wakes up with a start*

Uhh, yes. Anything above 15 kilotons is perfectly fine, but it must fit inside this box...

*henchman whips out box*

...as for the submachine guns, I'd like four dozen of those to be the standard (and cheap) 9mm, but for the last two dozen to be retrofitted into allowing .50 cal HV rounds (Heros are always surprised at that trick) - not to mention a designation to distinguish between the two. We at Random Mayhem view that money is no object, but image is, and such my boss was rather insistent that Soviet SCUD launchers be purchased for the matter at hand, preferably with the Red star still emblazened on them. Any facsimile will do, of course.

I'm afraid Sir misunderstands the policy of this establishment. The new management seeks to provide an upscale service and as a consequence we can offer nothing standard or ~ahem~ 'cheap'.

Perhaps Sir can reconsider and select something a little more suitable ?

*signs form and picks up newly accquired items*

*Silently awaits for payment in accordance with the agreed terms*

*the henchman excuses himself for a few minutes, and alternately talks into a cell phone and writes on a PDA. Presently, he returns*

Alright, how about 50 FN P90 PDWs, retrofitted for 30 cal rounds. Overheating is of secondary importance, as is accuracy. Frankly, at that weight/power ratio, their real purpose would simply not be suitable for sniping nor long engagements. Essentially, we're looking at a SMG that would perforate armored vehicles and puncture concrete.

*hands over a mysteriously heavy coin made of what appears to be gold*

*silently contemplates the proferred metal*

Gold tempts by it's simplicity but our standard terms only allow a single currency - that of signed photographs or holographic images of yourself with an understanding that there is no restrictions on their use.

*turns to NYC*

That will, of course, be no problem but is Sir expecting penetration with standard rounds as we feel that Sir might be more than a tad disappointed. We of course wish to preserve our reputation for satisfying the demands of our exclusive clientelle .....

mad as hatters tho' they be

..... so maybe Sir might like to consider some of our more extreme projectile options available with this weapon selection. All at extremely reasonable prices of course.

*presses an undercounter button and a shelf arises displaying a variety of rounds made from exotic materials*

We have had excellent reports from the field about this particular projectile.

*points to a depleted uranium 30cal bullet*

Superb stopping power on animate objects and an A1 penetration rating on materials up to a 10 rating of Moh's hardness scale. Would Sir like to consider ?