h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Guivenvere]

Ooh - Sir Galahad - you're sweating! Look Arthur - he's sweating. Why don't you sweat like that Arthur?

Listen, Mr Ogre, do you think you could mend that gate soon and fix up one of those little peep-bo thingummibobs - you know, so I can look and see who's outside before we open the portcullis and while you're at it can you do something about the squeaky springs on my bed. Lancelot says it's too loud.

Whoops, sorry, Arthur.

Oh - and I'd like a doorbell that plays "Greensleeves" please.

The Nirvana version.

(Vivien, the lady Merlin in the original version went gaga for and who locked him up in a tree, appears in a dark cloud in a corner of ther rooms)

[Vivien]

Bother gates, if you take iron ones you'll get problems with the local fairies...

(approaches Merlin)

listen, we gat to talk. My family insists we get married, and the excuses you've been coming up with stink!

[Gordon from B & Q]

I've got a delivery here of 1/2 a ton of 2 x 4, 14 Gallons of Tapioca Paint - I'd call it white, but they all have these poncy names now - and two barrels of best bitter for one Mr. King of the Britons ...

That you Gov'vor ... love the crown

Right if you could sign here, initial here and date here, here, here and here, that should suffice

*parp* 'scuse me, 'ad cabbage for lunch - it's reekin' 'avoc wiv me innards

[Guinevere - spelt right this time!]

Who needs fairies with all these butch knights sweating and kneeling all over the place? I say, no wonder this is called the war room - there's old Arthur sulking and glowering at me and now you two are at it. Can't you magic us a Relate Counsellor, Merlin, so we can sort things out?

[Relate Counsellor]

I sense tension. Would anyone like to tell me what's happening here? Hmmm? Why the cold looks and skulking? Why the antagonism? If you could all gather round and introduce yourselves to the group members, describing your problem and also what you like to do in your spare time. We'll start with you ...

[Gag Halfrunt] So, you feel threatened, do you? Interesting...

[Guinevere]

Hallo Mr Relate Counsellor. Mrs Relate Counsellor? Well, Merlin here and Vivien can't decide whether to get married. That is, Merlin can - he's decided he doesn't want to - and Vivien has decided, too. She says her parents want her to get married and Arthur is awfully nice and all that, but he's always off in wars and things, and leaving me alone here with all these sweaty knights ....

What's a girl gotta do?

[Choir]*Returns, looking somewhat the worse for wear and sneaks onto the minstrels balcony. There they begin to work they're way through the soundtrack to Excaliber, getting all excited at the shouty bits*

[Lute player]

I say ... do you mind awfully ... we were playing thar. Be orf with you young hoodlums, and take your racket with you

[Comedy bit part serf #371 and lead chorister] If your not careful mate ah'll shove that lute *particularly dramatic bit of choir singing luckily covers this section from hearing* AND Ah'll see your mother knows all about it! Bloomin' 'oitty toitty musical types, get right on ma goat.

[lute player]

*puts down lute and picks up racket*

Looky here, young feller me lad ... if you don't pack up your clobber and gather your chums I may have to do what I did last time this sort of thing happened, and I wouldn't want to do that.

[Hector] (The Hungover)

Can you lot keep it down? Some of us have been trying to get over the Heavy Duty Carousing from last night...

[Choir] *Changes to a quieter part of the soundtrack (there must be a bit somewhere) while glaring evilly at the musicians*

[Hector] (The Happy)

Thank-you. Now I tink I'll go and see if the kitchen staff have anything that's good for a hangover..

[Ogre]
*munches on a 2X4, washes it down with a gallon of Tapioca paint*

Nyce perfumery ya got there, guv. Me missus'd luv some of that. Could you deliver a couple barrels over to our barrow?

[Vivien]

Me? I've got no problems, it's just Merlin who won't tell my family he's marriage shy - he he!

[Gallahad]

Ahem....

er....Ahem....

*prattle about paint and emotional counselling continues*

AHEM!

Just thought I'd point out that there's a little wee battle thingy going on outside, don't you think that's a little more important...

*stamps feet in petulance*

[Choir} *Return to a noisy, dramatic part of the soundtrack at the mention of battle*

[Arthur]

*Tries to say something, but the music is too loud and noone can hear*

[4th Chorister on Left]

*arrow appears from stage left*

aargh ... they got me ... *collapses*

[Choir master]

Don't just lie there dying, boy ... sing goddam it

[4th Chorister on Left]

But sir, I can't I'm dead.

[Choir master]

That's no excuse. In my day you'd have to have an arrow through your chest and a punctured wind pipe before you could be let off choir practise

[4th Chorister on Left]

Well, you see, sir, that's just it ... I do.

[Choir master]

Well, well, well, it would seem you do ... don't just lie there pop off and see matron, and mind you don't get blood everywhere. Demmed rascal