h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The King enters
[Arthur]
My friends, the subjects of our kingdom are awaiting my advice.
[Chief Guard - calling]
// Leave room for King Arthur. Leave room for his people. //

*The nobles move down to the east side of the Hall - seating has been prepared for them - well sheilded away from the poor.*

[The yellow pages]

Silence, silence for the King!

(Try also: Rulers, Despots, Regal Personages)

*3 scruffy commoners shamble forwards*
[1st scruffy commoner]
*starts waving hands around in an excited fashion*

[2nd scruffy commoner]
*nods head vigorously, looking from 1st SC to King and back again*

[3rd scruffy commoner]
My liege, these two people are the Silents you asked for, the first one gesticulating wildly asks for help on a quest of unimaginable proportions, the second is nodding his agreement. They are both deaf mutes and I am their sign language interpreter
*smiles gapilly*

[witch]

*reaches into pocket for a small bottle*

Here my , this dust when released will have an amazing effect on all these fools, including dear ol' Arthur.

[Yellow Pages] (in unison)

Silence please! Silence for the Silents. The silents speak!

(see also: Scruffy commoners, yokels, peasants)

[]

*takes bottle from witch...*

Thank you, dear!

*unplugs it and pours out the dust, spread by dozens of s suddenly turning up, flapping their wings*

*the effect is amazing - everyone who hasn't had a drink of the red potion freezes in the middle of motion, stiff like cardboard*

[Lady of Shalott]

*wanders in and sees what's happened.*

Oh, change of plan.

Ah, wise woman (and )I was wondering if I might have a word in your shell-like. I have a proposition for you.

*looks around at everyone*



A proposition milady?

[]

Talk, and we will listen!

*starts gathering stiff s from the floor*

[Mysterious Stranger]

*steps into the hall with his lover asleep in his arms*

*looks around with a strange feeling of déjà vú*

*hastily retreats up stairs*

[Lady of Shalott]

Yes, wise woman and . You see, I've just finished a bad relationship and it's made me realise that I no longer want to be a one dimensional stereotype and I think that you are just the woman to help me on my voyage of self-discovery to find my true, independent self. What I was thinking is a kind of Medea, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, scenario, with poisoned clothing to boot. I implore you to help me. I'm not talking full blown, hideous death stuff, but maybe a piece of armour that looks fantastic but renders the wearer hairless. Please, name your price, I'll do anything I can to help you in return.

[witch]
*stirs sleepily*

Where are we going love?

[Lady of Shalott]

I'll do anything if you'll help me. Here, to show you I am serious, take my supply of holy hair conditioner.

*Hands golden bottle to witch*

[witch]
One moment my I see an opportunity here.

*runs quickly down the stairs*

Milady, keep your hair conditioner!

*sprinkles a little blue dust over the Lady of Shallot*

*takes a small vial from her pocket*

I have no magic armour but take this milady. Pour some over a piece of clothing or armour and the wearer shall become hairless. The dust I sprinkled over you will ensure that should I or my need your assistance you shall be powerless to refuse us your help, and should you ever attempt to turn against us in any way you shall immediately become a shrivelled up, hairless and toothless old hag with no need for hair conditioners and vanity. Go now!

*runs back up the stairs to her waiting lover*

[Sir John Doe]

Who am I?

[Lady of Shallot]

*Leaves with vial*

[SIr john Doe]

who was that?!?!

[]

Who was what?

*stuffs stiff s into sack, takes the hand of witch lover*

Now what? Do you think king Arthur's throne carries the royal magic? What would happen if we lifted him off and sat down on it ourselves?

[witch]


Oh do let's try it my love. You will most certainly look very royal on the throne.

[]

*together they approach the royal throne*

*together they move king Arthur* - gently now, no bruises...

*together they step up the few stairs to the throne and prepare to sit down...*