h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A545690

Just filling in the spaces where there's no article!

This is just an informative article, not a "how-to" guide like most of my other ones.
SmartGamer

*Bump*

I'm still waiting... nobody has bothered to look or say anything yet... (!)

I looked.

From your article, I can tell that this is intended primarily as a game machine that supports mutlti players if they are all sharing the same braodcast space. I can also tell that most of the games for it are simplistic but that it does have a version of Quake. It seems to be underpowered when it comes out of the box but there are addons to fix that problem. It pretends to be multitalented but this is largely a sales ploy. It has a full keyboard but these keys must be pushed with a stylus.

Now:

Who makes it? What size is it? Is it color or black and white? When using the utilties how man characters across and down? Does it have a future or is it simply something that's fun for a week or three? Playing games obviously isn't done with the stylus, what sort of controls does it have? What is the life on the batteries? What is it's storage capacity or doesn't that really matter? Who would want to own this thing? Why? With several people all toegether being able to talk together, does it support messaging in this fashion or is it only able to read and send mesages via your computer? What other sorts of software is availabe and useful?

I'm sure you get the idea. *I* would like a lot more detail.

Barton

All questions answered. Check it out again!

You have certainly improved your content!

I think you are trying to do a bit too much in your opening paragrah. You don't need to tell us everthing in those first few sentences.

But more importantly, you need to get rid of that insecurity that makes you add that final disclaimer. We, reseasrchers, are supposed to write from a third person authoritative viewpoint similar to what you see in an encyclopedia but not so stiff and formal that we can't have fun with what we are talking about.

Heres a sentence from your article followed by how I might change it:

The author has a special switcher so he can attatch three devices to the same port; since the serial port is the most commonly used port, many find this necessary.

A special switcher is available to permit the user to attach three devices to one serial port. This is great, because everyone seems to want to plug all their gear into that single port at the same time. Getting one of these would be something to consider.

The idea is that you use phrases like 'this researcher' or 'the author' only under the direst circumstance.

You need to totally get rid of the use of the word 'I' particularly when you are using it to excuse yourself. We all assume that you have done your best to be as complete and accurate as possible. We also know that no one is perfect, so if there is a mistake then we aren't going to search you out and cover you in custard pies. The article will just need to be corrected.

This is another reason not to use the first person, if the article needs to be updated, the person doing so may not turn out to be you. Using the third person saves having to say things like "another author of this article said that 'Dizzy Doozy' is the best game around" Instead, he might write, "Some players say that 'Dizzy Doozy' can't be matched on any other hand held game."

I hope you see what I'm getting at.

Also, you should add paragraph tags around your paragraphs like this:
This is my paragraph and it ends after this period.
This will create clear space before and after your paragraphs that will make your article look much better.

Still, al in all, I like this much more than the original. Keep on with the good work.



Barton

Barton

OK, changed AGAIN. Whaddaya think now?

--SmartGamer, a.k.a. "That new Ace guy"

I have two more suggestions:

Remove your 'Call for Action' section. Once your article has been edited it will be out of your control. People will need to add messages in the normal fashion. You don't need to invite them to, it would be impossible to stop them.

Think about rearranging your article so that you have a section that says what a Cybiko is without too much criticism. Then collect all your negative comments into one section and your positive comments in another. Show the positive first then the negative. Or you can intermix them on a thematic basis as you describe the machine and how each part of its design works or doesn't.

In either case get them out of the introduction. The idea is that this game must be better on ballance than worse or we would have a two word entry reading "Don't Bother." So we want the people to read the whole article.

At the end of the article have a section that sums things up.

All your information is there and mostly well written (there are tiny errors that I won't bother to mention till you'ver rearranged things to a bit better format. You may correct them during this process.)

I think you are going to have a fine edited article out of this,

Barton

Thanks for your input! Sorry this took a while, but it's redone again.. check it out!

Please recheck this...

*bump*

You need to remove all the uses of first person in your article. The guide style does not permit them.

Instead of saying, 'I haven't tried them yet,' for instance, you might say,'This researcher has not had a chance to try them.' or, more generally, 'It is inenvitable that some games are better than others and with new games being released all the time, it has not been possible to play them all.'

Try to adopt a more impersonal and superior attitude. Remember you are an expert researcher for the guide. The better articles reflect that note of superiority which fuels the judgments that are presented.

Barton

Sounds better! Anyway, you should tame down your overall tone, please.

Some typos left to take care of: 'footbal', 'nessecary', 'rumors' (rumours, it's british spelling around here )

I'd say you nuke footnote #5 and simply say 'of questionable play value' (in order to get out your personal opinion piece). You should be able to put one on a kitchen scale to determine its weight, or just compare it to oranges or chocolate bars .

IMHO footnote #7 is a bit too aggressive in the wording. Don't assume too much knowledge of your readers please. Same goes for 'IM' (okay, it's 'Instant Messaging', but worth spelling it out - preferrably in brackets right in the text).

Finally, the 'Bug' section needs some more words to explain what exactly goes wrong if you use the programs listed there.


Bossel (Scout)

Hey there, SmartGamer!

Any response to Barton and Bossel's comments above?


Mikey

ermmm....

What Mikey said.


Dancer

I've been trying to do the restructures... it's not easy, though... I'll keep trying... no changes yet, though. Haven't had time.

Editorial Note: This conversation has been moved from 'Peer Review' to 'Cybiko'.

This thread has been moved out of the Peer Review Forum because your entry has now been recommended for the Edited Guide.

You can find out what will happen to your entry here: http://www.h2g2.com/SubEditors-Process

Congratulations!

I am glad to see that this entry, which I have recommended for inclusion into the edited guide has been passed.

I love technology like this but unfortunately whenever I show any interest it goes "betamax" and is never seen of again.

Well done

Thanks, from one Keeper to another!

Hi there,

I'd like to announce that I've been given your great article to subedit, and so far I've finished the first round of subbing. The result is available at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A638985. If you spot anything you want to comment upon, please feel free to drop me a note.

SchrEck Inc.

Looks fine. I don't see any changes, actually... typo corrections, I assume?

--S.G.

You're right, only small points have been changed, and I've added a few links to other h2g2 entries. That's it!

So, if there's nothing left to correct, I might just as well return the piece to the editors...