h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hurrumph!
A chap falls asleep in a hammock for a few minutes, and wakes to find everyone has bally well wandered orf!

Aha! I suspect a game of hide and go seek must be the order of the day

*Captain Groinhammer wanders around in a seemingly random pattern, searching the potting sheds and the orangery, the gazebo and the boathouse, and eventually comes to rest at the Gothic Folly in the arboretum, his scarlet jacket showing faint signs of perspiration and thus embarassment.*

Dash it all, chaps, as you know I am up for larks as much as the next fellow, but you can come out now!

Chaps?

*Spying a set of enticing eyes peering over a low wall, Captain Groinhammer siddles up to the brickwork and leaps over*

AHA! Found you....oh.

*The eyes appear to belong to a classic stone statue of Aphrodite*

Hey ho. Sculpter forgot to give the poor gel arms.

If i ever get hold of that scultpor i'll.....i'll.....glare at him menacingly!

*Wonders what a Groinhammer does. Tries not to think of the obvious*

*Captain Groinhammer thinks that getting hold of the sculptor would be the greatest challenge, and is stumped for an idea how it could possibly be achieved*

I say, I wonder if this belongs to you?

*The dashing Captain triumphantly holds aloft an Ashfield 19.05mm beryllium-copper torsion spring.*

I found it under the burmese pagoda, down by the trout lake.

'Venus looks at the torsion spring with interest '

I'm not sure what use i would have for such an instrument.
I don't suppose there is a pair of arms under that pagoda? It's a real challenge trying to drink in a goddess like manner, when i have to slurp it out of the cup whilst its still sitting in it's saucer. A pair of arms would make a big difference

May I enquire as to which spring you are waiting for, if not this...errr...*Groinhammer looks at the torsion spring with rising panic, as its use escapes him entirely*.... fine piece of engineering? *relief spreads across the Captains features as smoothly as room temperature butter over a hot crumpet*

Sadly I have found no misplaced arms during my wanderings, though I could offer you this rather fine laquered ebony straw by way of gentle relief?

Did someone mention crumpets! a fine accompanyment to a pot of afternoon

Oooh *Venus accepts the ebony straw graciously*
Thankyou Captain, and what favour may this goddess do for you in return for this fine ?

Butter my crumpet?

Hehehehehe..... And how do you suggest i do that with no hands?

*The captains furiously scarlet blush is matched in intensity only by his iridescent jacket*

Your company alone is reward beyond my worth.

Where did you get that irredescent jacket? It is rather fetching.
*Venus offers the captain some and while admiring the jacket*

Gieves and Hawkes ran it up for me down in Portsmouth, though the brocade is an heirloom dontcherknow. That is a spendid hat you have there, though it appears a chaffinch has taken rather a shine to the grapes.

Spendid brew, and the angel cake is truly angelic. My eternal gratitude for your ministrations.
*The partched captain tries desperately not to gulp the tea down, despite the raging thirst*

*venus blows away a stray feather*
Thats not a hat, it's a nest! Thats the problem with being made of alabaster and unable to move much, damn birds take up residence in my hair...not to mention the moss that grows on other parts

*Venus is pleased that the and have been well recieved *

I may have gone completely lala, but did I just see a white rabbit with a pocket watch disappear behind the privet?

How delightfully convenient, rabbit stew with a built in timer....
*The captain searches for his 12 bore*

How did we end up in wonderland? I don't remember eating any dodgy mushrooms. Is this your dream or mine?

'searches for the tea party and disposes of the mouse'