h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

no, no, wrong leg - I'm sharpening my canines!

'bout the card - that was not a true representation of us ... or maybe it was You must let me know how to get my claws that sharp & long

do you know any "very little" fireman, Pan? the tree would topple over otherwise.

Grabs Derby by the scruff of his neck & holds him back - gives him a couple of s & ... lets go

chuckling & sipping contents of bowl

I may be able to find a small firemanbut I'm afraid they all have very big hoses.

To get nails like that there is a product you can buy called:'Tips' A gal trying to heal her horses hooves discovered her nails were growing for the first time, like, ever.I use 'Tips'Makes for strong nails...just right for leaving a trail when walking in the woods an' stuff.

...*places a big red bow on Shirps collar while she's busily lapping up her wine...*

Okay...fancy dress the rest of the month!
I'm SO excite-a-lated!!!! Wait 'til you all see my new gown!

Oh my! I feel a hot flush (that's 'flash' on this side of the Pond, for some reason) coming over me! I have been 'selected'.......I feel like a goodly portion of ribeye on a meat counter, neatly labelled, "Today's Special!" Oooooh! Where's the Montreal Steak Spice when you need it!

(romps to Pan's side and trembles in anticipation!)

only a few hours to go and we can celebrate pans second birthday

this side of the pond we can actually celebrate already

::starts pulling 42 and and filling assorted glasses with assorted drinks::

congrats, luv

Yes indeed!

A big to Pan - hippo birdie 2 u (the old ones are the best )... I didn't mean you were old Pan, I meant the

Pushes a tray of 's assorted drinks towards Pan ...

Oh Pan! Not *another* birthday! I have run out of fingers and toes on which to work your age out dear heart!

*Runs out the door, allowing a flock of crows in, who immediately fall upon the meaty dishes scattered about the pub*

Whoops! Shoo you lot!

*Runs around the pub shooing away the crows who exit the pub but not before all the food has gone*

It's just as well they didn't take a liking to , innit? Now then! Where's the ?

*Follows her nose and the aroma of freshly brewed *

::little does gwennie know that the is used as bait in a trap set by a dozen hunky firefighters who are close to starvation::

*Is leapt upon by the aforementioned hunky firemen who retreat rapidly as Gwennie launches a tirade of verbal middle-aged, menopausal, hormonally-induced abuse in their direction*

I didn't get where I am today by not keeping a bunch of men in their rightful place!

*Rolls up her sleeves and glares at her trembling victims before calmly resuming helping herself to *

Ahhh! That's better! I feel almost human now!

*Butter wouldn't melt*

And what are you lot looking at?

*staggers in from the back alley, much the worse from...from.......exhaustion!*

It's hell, out there, folks! Every man for himself!

(throws himself on the large drinks tray and downs four quick Bushmills)

... quivering under sofa ... lapping up remainder of in bowl to calm nerves ... never did like shouting ... someone get rid of those d**n firemen before Gwennie explodes again - pleeeease

ahem, you enjoyed introducing yourself to Pan properly then, Derby?

nuzzles into soft cushion she dragged off sofa for a few - while it's quiet

Err......well....I don't I got much further than, 'Hello, my name is...', before I got sucked into this whirlwind (I think), and was eventually dropped into an alleyway which was LITTERED with exhausted old firemen (on closer examination, many of them actually appeared to be in their early twenties, although the white hair and shaking limbs fooled me for a time). Some of those that were able to move were crawling AWAY from the back door of the pub............I could tell that Pan had been there!

I'm going to have start on a strict menu of protein drinks and use the exercise equipment a LOT more if I even aspire to have a DATE with Mistress Pan! Is this usual, dear ?

(downs another quick 'pastiche'' and fills 's new bowl up).

*wakes up in time to pour another *
Huppy barfday, Pun...HIC!

"Mistress Pan" - - I say nothing

Better late than never WR

drinking WR's while he's

...*exits the ladies dressed in a long, deep green velvet gown with a deep red sash...red leather hip boots all tied up her legs with green satin ribbons...*



Some lucky man will get to open THIS gift.

Can I help it if Nice Young Men can't keep up with me?
Why, you'd think I was draining the very life out of them or sumthin'.

...*Curtsies as much as the gown allows...* Thank you all for my many returns. ...*climbs on the bar...the magic metal pole automatically appears......*I'm not dancing NOW!!!!! I'm about to make a speech! ...*is pelted by empty ale mugs...raises her glass in a toast & climbs back down into her seat...*

&



LET'SPARTY!!!!

... crawls out from under sofa - scratches neck - there's . something . really . getting . on . my . nerves ... a large red blob appears ... bites & pulls it a RED ribbon - how the h*** did that get there?

Jumps up at the large green elf standing on the bar & knocks her flying ... helps herself to everything on the bar

see what happens to me when Pan appears

Luckily the fabric is very stretchy

...*puts a few johnson baby valiums into the cheese inside a beef basted raw hide bone she puts in the nice doggies mouth...*Yep, nuthin' comes in more handy than doggie Downs & puppy Uppers. ...*kisses Shirps G-nite right on her slightly "blonding" muzzle...*...*chucks the red ribbon from Shirp's collar...never noticing it has landed on Kes...now covered with Pan's green sweater & Shrp's red bow & ribbon...*

...*looks around...loves everything & everyone she sees...gets drunk and cries into her rum...*...*looks out the corner of her eye to see if any of the men are going to er... comfort poor, sad, Pandora on her birthday...batts a tear
with her long lashes...*

...*hits the Chippendale Pizza # on her cell phone....42 pizzas arrive within 42 seconds...but they said they'd try to get here more quickly next time...*

...*looks at poor hormonal Gweenie...*

... oooh! scrumptious ...

lifts an eyelid - just exactly how long will the valium last?

How long? Only 8 - 12 hours. Then you'll be allll nice and rested.

...*puts mari-rae's shawl over Shirps...and begins to drink mass quanities of rum...*

Rum? I say, who let the Royal Navy in?

"Up spirits, men!"

Quaffs deeply, and is instantly refreshed.....

Bags I first crack (err...SECOND, really) at Ms Pandora!